Advice from families who have three kids

[Anonymous]

DH and I are feeling pretty torn as to have a third child. Our oldest will be eight and our second will be five when the third is born. I will be 39! I really want to have one more and my heart feels pretty heartbroken when I think of not having number three. However, we have a really nice life right now and I want someone to give me some realistic expectations and advice.

We have a small three bedroom row house in DC that we love. How long can we fit in a tiny space before having to move to something larger? DH stayed at home for a few years when the first two were young but he now has a great job that he wouldn't be able to take more than a couple weeks. I work four days a week and will get maternity leave. We have never left a baby so young with a nanny or daycare. How hard will it be? We like to travel a lot and my first two are amazing travelers. I am hoping that since my older two will be so much older it won't be too hard.? Financially, has it been a huge shift from two to three? We have a decent household income, definitely not as high as a lot of our neighbors but we are able to save a wee bit for the kids and things we enjoy like travel.

Lastly, whenever I mention the idea of a third to family and friends they disapprove of the idea. I know this isn't something that should factor into our decision but it makes me a little uncomfortable. Thanks for any advice!

[Anonymous]

We like to travel too. It's more expensive though. Most hotels won't let you put 5 people in one room or even a one bedroom suite anymore (they claim fire hazard but I really think it'st hat they know they can extort another room out of you - lol) so we have to get two adjoining rooms or preferably a two bedroom suite. No big deal, it's definitely possible to do this, but it is more expensive. Then add in another plane ticket plus food for another person, tickets for that extra person, etc. It adds up quick.

Another thing is that when you're traveling as a family, you're only as strong as your weakest link, so to speak. Which means maybe your older kids want to do a cool activity like zip lining or snorkel but both parents can't do it because you have a baby or toddler. Our three are closer in age (they're each 2 years or less apart) and I'd love to have a fourth but this is actually one of the things that holds us back. We're finally at the point where our youngest can do these fun things but if we have another, we'll be starting over again from square 1.

Financially - aside from the additional travel expense mentioned above, well you're talking about another college education to pay for. Another 4 years of daycare. Another set of extracurricular activities. Another summer camp. Another before/after care. Can you add in these expenses while still doing the things you love (such as travel) and saving? That's what I would focus on in your position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We like to travel too. It's more expensive though. Most hotels won't let you put 5 people in one room or even a one bedroom suite anymore (they claim fire hazard but I really think it'st hat they know they can extort another room out of you - lol) so we have to get two adjoining rooms or preferably a two bedroom suite. No big deal, it's definitely possible to do this, but it is more expensive. Then add in another plane ticket plus food for another person, tickets for that extra person, etc. It adds up quick.

Another thing is that when you're traveling as a family, you're only as strong as your weakest link, so to speak. Which means maybe your older kids want to do a cool activity like zip lining or snorkel but both parents can't do it because you have a baby or toddler. Our three are closer in age (they're each 2 years or less apart) and I'd love to have a fourth but this is actually one of the things that holds us back. We're finally at the point where our youngest can do these fun things but if we have another, we'll be starting over again from square 1.

Financially - aside from the additional travel expense mentioned above, well you're talking about another college education to pay for. Another 4 years of daycare. Another set of extracurricular activities. Another summer camp. Another before/after care. Can you add in these expenses while still doing the things you love (such as travel) and saving? That's what I would focus on in your position.

This is very helpful, thank you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you had a really, really sweet, almost ideal set up with the first two. If you're looking to recapture that feeling, it's not going to happen.

You have two older children in school, and your DH will be working, so the toddler-focused family that you remember will not happen again.

If you want a third child in a more prosaic, normal situation (work, daycare, lots of exhaustion from being up all night and at work during the day, dragging the baby to older kid stuff) then go for it! We have four.

The third, especially if you're both working, is going to be harder than you expect. But they are also wonderful.

BTW, I had my first of the four at 37. Three more healthy pregnancies after that. My last one was probably the easiest, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We like to travel too. It's more expensive though. Most hotels won't let you put 5 people in one room or even a one bedroom suite anymore (they claim fire hazard but I really think it'st hat they know they can extort another room out of you - lol) so we have to get two adjoining rooms or preferably a two bedroom suite. No big deal, it's definitely possible to do this, but it is more expensive. Then add in another plane ticket plus food for another person, tickets for that extra person, etc. It adds up quick.

Another thing is that when you're traveling as a family, you're only as strong as your weakest link, so to speak. Which means maybe your older kids want to do a cool activity like zip lining or snorkel but both parents can't do it because you have a baby or toddler. Our three are closer in age (they're each 2 years or less apart) and I'd love to have a fourth but this is actually one of the things that holds us back. We're finally at the point where our youngest can do these fun things but if we have another, we'll be starting over again from square 1.

Financially - aside from the additional travel expense mentioned above, well you're talking about another college education to pay for. Another 4 years of daycare. Another set of extracurricular activities. Another summer camp. Another before/after care. Can you add in these expenses while still doing the things you love (such as travel) and saving? That's what I would focus on in your position.

This is very helpful, thank you.

My friends with older kids that are in travel sports have a helluva time with the baby/toddler with the practices and games and nap schedules. I do like the 'weakest link' explanation. It's so true. Often---mom is hanging back missing everything while dad takes the other two out to do the snorkeling, zip-lining, etc.

While kids require less physical care as they get older---things become more emotional and taxing in other ways. More kids to worry about assignments and field trips, etc. You will be drawn much thinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a really, really sweet, almost ideal set up with the first two. If you're looking to recapture that feeling, it's not going to happen.

You have two older children in school, and your DH will be working, so the toddler-focused family that you remember will not happen again.

If you want a third child in a more prosaic, normal situation (work, daycare, lots of exhaustion from being up all night and at work during the day, dragging the baby to older kid stuff) then go for it! We have four.

The third, especially if you're both working, is going to be harder than you expect. But they are also wonderful.

BTW, I had my first of the four at 37. Three more healthy pregnancies after that. My last one was probably the easiest, actually.

Almost no women I know that have 3 or more children work full-time. Very of them even few work part-time. If work is necessary or important for retirement/fulfillment--going for a third could set things off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you had a really, really sweet, almost ideal set up with the first two. If you're looking to recapture that feeling, it's not going to happen.

You have two older children in school, and your DH will be working, so the toddler-focused family that you remember will not happen again.

If you want a third child in a more prosaic, normal situation (work, daycare, lots of exhaustion from being up all night and at work during the day, dragging the baby to older kid stuff) then go for it! We have four.

The third, especially if you're both working, is going to be harder than you expect. But they are also wonderful.

BTW, I had my first of the four at 37. Three more healthy pregnancies after that. My last one was probably the easiest, actually.

Almost no women I know that have 3 or more children work full-time. Very of them even few work part-time. If work is necessary or important for retirement/fulfillment--going for a third could set things off.

I'm the mom of four above. I work part time, but I could work full time. We have a nanny and housekeeping help.

[Anonymous]

I know several moms of 3 or 4 that work full-time.

The only thing that would give me pause in your situation is the financial piece. Really map out what that will look like and what it will mean for your quality of life and make sure you're ok with it. Otherwise, I say go for it.

[Anonymous]

I also know many moms of three at my office (we're all govt lawyers).

Don't not have a baby just because leaving him/her at daycare will be hard the first week. It won't be so bad that you'll regret you gave him life, I promise.

I'd go for it, but I tend to think that things just work out for the best in the end. Also, given the helicoptering we can be tempted into as parents, spreading ourselves thinner might actually be healthier for the kids.

[Anonymous]

How many kids to have is so personal. There are many factors and no right or wrongs. We have 3 - 2 very close in age and then a 4 year gap. It would have been closer but I lost one in between. I started early so had my last at 33. Once you have 3, you cannot imagine not having that child, so it's hard to say whether you would do it again. Yes- it's more expensive- that's a given. We didn't travel as much as we would have liked. I went back to work once I had 3, so you never know how it will work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many kids to have is so personal. There are many factors and no right or wrongs. We have 3 - 2 very close in age and then a 4 year gap. It would have been closer but I lost one in between. I started early so had my last at 33. Once you have 3, you cannot imagine not having that child, so it's hard to say whether you would do it again. Yes- it's more expensive- that's a given. We didn't travel as much as we would have liked. I went back to work once I had 3, so you never know how it will work out.

+1.

My hesitation in OP's case is that she describes an almost idyllic life, especially the early years with her first two. Child #3 will definitely change those dynamics.

[Anonymous]

I felt an irrational urge to have a third child. It was exactly as you say -- I felt heartbroken about the idea of not having a third child.

- Was it a slightly harder pregnancy because i was older? yes (had quite a few thoughts of -- gosh, i'm glad i'm not planning on doing it again!)
- Were the sleepless nights harder to take because i was older once the youngest was born? yes.
- Have the extra expenses on childcare, etc, been perceptible? yes.
- Have i thought over the years in specific situations "gosh, if it was just the older two kids, we could do X, Y, and Z now"? yes -- though only in that "it would be logistically easier" way, NEVER as a regret

And, most importantly -- does my family now feel complete?

Yes! Yes! and Yes!

In my opinion, there is something really special about having 3 kids -- with 2 kids there is just the one relationship between the two. With 3, there are 3 separate relationships, and the kids kind of balance each other's relationships out.

[Anonymous]

We have 3, with a very similar age gap. We travel with them, and it's fine, though expensive. Kids learn to compromise and work with activities that work for all members of the family and learn patience when it's not their turn (like the trip to sesame place for the 10 year old!).

We both work, but for 1st year I had maternity leave for 12 weeks and DH took 12 weeks FMLA -- why can't your DH do that? And after that we got a nanny just because it made life easier until baby was 2.5 and then went to daycare/preschool.

We both work full time but lots of flexibility so we split shift (one parent drops off the picks up and day is more 800-400 for the kids). Part time may be considered once 3rd has own set of activities depends on how carpools shake out.

We don't regret it, and love having 3, and older kids really seemed to benefit from having to grow up and be the big siblings. We were 40 when baby came btw.

[Anonymous]

I'm in private practice as a lawyer and also know several moms of three who work full or part time. I'm about to turn 37 and also really want a third. I would continue to work full time.

I agree with a PP, the biggest issue is financial. Saving a wee bit might not be enough if you want to fund three college tuitions, for example. But, you know, you also don't have to do that and in any event, college is still a ways off. I'd say go for it, though of course that's mostly because I want to go for it myself!

[Anonymous]

you might like to read the blog Lag Liv. She's a government lawyer with 3 kids and very happy with how it all turned out. Her husband has a pretty flexible job, they live in suburban TX, and they have a babysitter though.