Teen boy social struggles

[Anonymous]

My 9th grade son seems to have so much going for him - great student, nice kid, excellent athlete, decent looking - yet he has very low confidence and few real friends. He is friendly and outgoing at school - always has someone to talk to, sit with etc - but somehow when it comes to making plans outside of school, he often doesn't get included (and he hates to initiate plans). There seem to be boy cliques that he just cannot seem to break into and he is often alone on weekends - I feel as though his confidence is going down and he is lonely.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9th grade son seems to have so much going for him - great student, nice kid, excellent athlete, decent looking - yet he has very low confidence and few real friends. He is friendly and outgoing at school - always has someone to talk to, sit with etc - but somehow when it comes to making plans outside of school, he often doesn't get included (and he hates to initiate plans). There seem to be boy cliques that he just cannot seem to break into and he is often alone on weekends - I feel as though his confidence is going down and he is lonely.

Any advice?

Boy cliques in school are weird to us moms. Very different than our experiences as women. I would imagine that the boys your child is interacting with don't intend to exclude him. Being as straight forward with the boys is best. Asking to sit with or hang out with a group of nice boys is a good place to start

[Anonymous]

Sports and clubs are a good way to make connections. With boys, they need a common connection. They also tend to run in packs vs. one BFF.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes I'm aware that the boys run in packs - my son just is not a part of the pack which is the problem. And he plays sports and seems to get along with everyone but they just don't get beyond that point. He just doesn't seem to know what to do become a part of things but then sees it all after-the-fact on social media.

[Anonymous]

OP, when my son didn't have a pack in ninth, he played a lot of play station on-line with the same people on a regular basis. Not local people, just some guys from around the planet who played with a similar style. It helped him through a tough time. T took a long time, but he now is in a pack with some other introverted boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - yes I'm aware that the boys run in packs - my son just is not a part of the pack which is the problem. And he plays sports and seems to get along with everyone but they just don't get beyond that point. He just doesn't seem to know what to do become a part of things but then sees it all after-the-fact on social media.

If they seem to like him and he is sad about not being included, he needs to start making plans.

[Anonymous]

Kids in 9th are going to drinking parties and smoking pot.

Maybe he is just avoiding that.

[Anonymous]

He probably needs to make some invitations or initiate an activity. Start with ONE friend and build from there.

[Anonymous]

Same situation, OP. Mine always has someone to sit with/talk to/partner with on projects, but rarely does he get invited to things. He doesn't get many texts either now that I think about it. Honestly, it is almost like he is forgotten about outside of school and practices, unless it is playing xbox. He has initiated some things and it goes well, but it seems to end there and is rarely reciprocated.

I have no advice, but wanted you to know your son is not alone.

[Anonymous]

If there's a game or a practice coming up on a Friday or Saturday, maybe he can invite a couple of them (a day or two in advance) to go to a movie or hang out. Something specific, and that you will drive. Are there a couple of guys on his team who seem nice you can think of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same situation, OP. Mine always has someone to sit with/talk to/partner with on projects, but rarely does he get invited to things. He doesn't get many texts either now that I think about it. Honestly, it is almost like he is forgotten about outside of school and practices, unless it is playing xbox. He has initiated some things and it goes well, but it seems to end there and is rarely reciprocated.

I have no advice, but wanted you to know your son is not alone. [/quote

Exact same with mine (although in 10th grade, hasn't gotten much better.) So that makes three of them- if we could just get them together they'd have their own pack. Can someone create an app for this????
I will offer that older son was similar. He eventually made one good friend who happened to be a social connector, this led to date for a dance which led to a girlfriend who made all kinds of plans and then we barely saw him. I was shocked but it did work out for him. BTW we took him to mental health professional for a short time. Boys don't like talking to parents - especially - mom about not having friends.
It seemed to help to talk to someone outside of school, family. It's painful to watch

[Anonymous]

Same here. DS however does send texts to people and asks them to meet him to play soccer. There seems to be some soccer and then lots of hanging out. He doesn't need a lot of friends, but he does need to hang out. But yes, there has been a boy clique in his grade since K. And that boy clique has been there with few changes (there always seems to be one kid that changes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same here. DS however does send texts to people and asks them to meet him to play soccer. There seems to be some soccer and then lots of hanging out. He doesn't need a lot of friends, but he does need to hang out. But yes, there has been a boy clique in his grade since K. And that boy clique has been there with few changes (there always seems to be one kid that changes).

Curious - Do they reciprocate the texts or is it always your son that initiates and organizes?

[Anonymous]

He almost always initiates except for 2 friends. But rarely has anyone turned him down unless they are busy or the weather changes. They really enjoy the invitations. At this point, he just ignores the boy clique which is still going strong on HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He almost always initiates except for 2 friends. But rarely has anyone turned him down unless they are busy or the weather changes. They really enjoy the invitations. At this point, he just ignores the boy clique which is still going strong on HS.

Different poster but, 1334, love your idea! Thanks!