Missing a family wedding -

[Anonymous]

We got invited to my cousin's (10 years younger than me who I know but not close to but whose parents, my aunt and uncle I'm rather close to) wedding over July 4th weekend in SF. We had already put together plans for that week on vacation with our 2 kids (but it's prob ok to cancel reservations and get our $ back since so early, I have to check). However, the flight out would cost us min $2400 if we booked it today. On top of that, we'd of course need a hotel room. It's CA so we'd stay more than a day and it's a Monday wedding so we would prob choose to stay in CA for at least 4-5 days. While I have a college friend I haven't seen in 10 years and some relatives in the area, none would be able to put us up so it's more $$$ for a place to stay. It's probably a $4k trip when all is said. While CA is fun, we had other places we would have preferred to drop that money. We're spending so much on summer camp, our property tax and fed taxes. But it is a family wedding..

How bad is it to decline the invite and just say that it's a cost prohibitive trip for us at this time? I feel bad because part of me wants to go but CA is such a long trip. Our kids are 5 and 7. Every time I get invited to a family wedding in CA I've declined (2 cousins beside this one) so there's also that. There was the pregnancy, the newborn and now cost for this. But What would you do??

[Anonymous]

I'd decline due to cost.

[Anonymous]

Why would you mention cost? You already have a vacation planned. Mentioning cost would raise questions unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

Decline..send nice gift.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to give a reason to decline. It's an invitation, not a summons. Decline, send a gift, and be done with it. I really don't think you need to spell out why you aren't flying across the country for a wedding for people you aren't even that close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decline..send nice gift.

This. You have a vacation booked. Go on it. No one expects you to pay $4-$5k to attend their Monday wedding across the country. You are invited because you had to be.

[Anonymous]

No is a complete sentence. It's really ok not to go. We missed one of DHS cousins wedding in California b.c it was too expensive.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks everyone!

To the poster about vacation - it's a really cheap vaca we have planned. We are driving to Pittsburgh for 2 days and then to the Jersey shore and staying at a motel for 3 days. It's significantly less than the cross country trip.

I just feel badly about declining. I'm not close to my cousin but his parents are different. I haven't shown up to any family weddings out that way either which is why I feel a bit guilty!

[Anonymous]

Do you have anyone who can watch the kids and just you and dh go? I think it's fine to skip it and just send a nice gift, but could also be a nice chance to get some grown-up time with your dh.

[Anonymous]

If you have to decline for costs, decline for costs. But consider going. How often do you see that side of the family? I have a lot of west coasters in my and my husband's family. We're pretty much the only ones here. So I try to go to the big events, weddings, reunions when someone bothers to organize one.... Even when I need to cut costs beforehand to afford it or its an inconvenient time. My kids have really treasured those trips and the memories with their relatives, more than a generic beach vacation.

As I get older I think of it this way. When else will I see all those family members together? Much rather have it be at a wedding then at a funeral.

[Anonymous]

PS reconnect with your old friend, you might be surprised. Over had the best times hosting long ago friends who have come through town, and similarly have been lucky to get generous offers, even sometimes from random aquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Just don't go. I didn't go to a cousin's wedding and just sent $200. If I'd gone I'd have spent about $500.

[Anonymous]

Don't go, and don't feel bad. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling them you've already planned your vacation, or that it's too expensive, or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks everyone!

To the poster about vacation - it's a really cheap vaca we have planned. We are driving to Pittsburgh for 2 days and then to the Jersey shore and staying at a motel for 3 days. It's significantly less than the cross country trip.

I just feel badly about declining. I'm not close to my cousin but his parents are different. I haven't shown up to any family weddings out that way either which is why I feel a bit guilty!

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Look at it this way, OP: you haven't shown up to any family weddings out that way, which lets the family know that you are unlikely to show up to this or any others either. They all know it's a long trip for you. They all know you have kids who are at ages where it's just not a good time for them and it's difficult for you.

Decline and send a gift. Don't feel guilty. It's not your aunt and uncle getting married, it's your cousin to whom you are not close, even if you're close to cousin's parents. They will understand. If you were very close to your cousin, I would say for you to go alone -- it really is OK to go alone -- and see if you can crash with someone local rather than pay for a hotel. But that's moot since you're not close to this cousin. No need to feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to give a reason to decline. It's an invitation, not a summons. Decline, send a gift, and be done with it. I really don't think you need to spell out why you aren't flying across the country for a wedding for people you aren't even that close to.

Agree! You were likely invited by your aunt and uncle and not your cousin. If they are not the parents of the bride, you may be doing her parents a favor. When my kids got married they only invited the cousins they were very close to and only hoped that those who lived within driving distance could attend. If some could not, no problem.