if you are estranged from either or both parents...why? and how did you get there?

[Anonymous]

Here I am, asking DCUM to perform unpaid psychology again... This is an offshoot to the thread on sibling and parental relationships.

Background, which may be long but I'll try to summarize: Parents divorced when I was 4; I lived with my mom in an abusive home under the terrifying reign of her alcoholic second husband. My mom was also being abused in this relationship, so I try to be understanding, but she was also doling about abuse of her own, which continued in different forms until I left home in high school. She also scared me into not telling anyone about the abuse, saying that I'd go to foster care if I let my dad, etc, know what was happening. So there was never any chance for anyone to "save" me, because I was keeping everything secret. Even after the abuse stopped, she traded on guilt and manipulation and fear. I left home in high school and would have cut off contact then but did not because she had two more kids when I was in high school and I had such a strong hand in raising them that cutting off contact with her would have meant losing my brothers, who were just little boys at the time. So when the anger was strong enough to cut ties for good, I didn't do it, and I've been struggling with a wacked-out relationship ever since, wondering if now is the time, or if never is the time.

Over the years, I've forgiven my mother for this stuff, but at the same time, I don't kid msyelf that I really love her, at least not the way most folks love their parents. In some ways, she has become a different person. She was a better mom to her second set of kids and her current husband is a good man.

But no matter how hard I try not to be a jerk, trying to spend time with her makes my skin crawl. It's not that I'm sitting there reliving the past necessarily, either; it's just that I kind of just, well, to be quite honest, I don't like her, don't like spending time with her, and cannot relate to her whatsoever. Everything she says and does sounds wrong to me. Add to the fact that she guilts me for being "distant" and it's a recipe for disaster every time I see her. She pushes at me, I withdraw, and she pushes harder. It makes me hate and dread spending any time with her at all.

Things, of course, would be easier if everything were black and white and I believed in "bad" people, because then I could just cut her out without looking back, now that my brothers are adults. But I see her as a whole person, flawed and nasty, sure, but also suffering. And she is capable of big moments of kind-heartedness, as odd as that sounds, as long as they are on her terms. At bottom, I know that nobody is perfect and I know that she deeply regrets what happened, even though she certainly does not believe that she was at all responsible. As I said, she suffers. Her life is sad, and she is sad. She is clinically depressed and has a few illnesses. So I try hard to be kind, I try to "tolerate" her and make it seem like I enjoy the time we spend together, but it is like trying fit the proverbial round peg into a square hole. I hate every minute of spending time with her, and then I leave and feel guilty because I usually behave like an asshole towards her. I've got such a hair trigger response to her now. I know she only just wants to be close to me, but I can't stand it. I get irritated just by the sight of her name in my inbox. She asks questions about the pregnancy and I feel she's being intrusive, when I'd freely answer the same question asked by a friend or even just a work associate. I'm not sure what to make of this, except to say that clearly I'm not being the nicest person in the world either, and even if I have good reasons and feel I can't help it, I don't feel great about it.

When I got pregnant, she did something so outlandishly offensive and egregious that I stopped talking to her altogether. Too long to get into here, but nobody would fault me for cutting off contact for good, which is what I did. I haven't really talked to her much since Christmastime. She has subsequently tried every avenue she can to get back "in" and I'm not sure what to do about it. On the one hand, it feels SO GOOD to finally be free of the endless guilt and manipulation train and I love being free of the stress and negativity that comes from trying to force this relationship that I do not feel I belong in. On the other hand, I know that she's devastated by the fact that we're not speaking, and it's hard to completely cut yourself off to another human's suffering.

I'm sure I could use some time on the couch, and in fact I've gone to therapists in the past, but generally speaking, I don't need help so much with my feelings as I need practical advice on how to decide whether to either spend time with my mom (and develop at least a coping strategy) or cut contact. But sometimes this forum, as catty as it can be, can offer something not many therapists have -- the benefit of your own personal eperience. I am trying to decide what level of contact to keep with my mother, and with my first baby on the way, there are major decisions that have to be made quickly.

My husband (who is a saint for this) will take the child to visit her when we are in my hometown (400 miles away, fortunately), so it's not like we'll completely cut her out, but this is not necessarily a permanent solution. And of course, she wants to be invited down to spend time with us here when the baby comes. Certainly I would not do this right away, but I keep wondering if it would kill me to tolerate her for a weekend, especially when it would make her so happy. (BTW, that is part of my problem here, I feel so trapped by the fact that my decision on inviting her down or not can make her break her happiness, but sadly, that is precisely the case -- she has very little happiness in her life).

On the other thread, a few posters said that they'd cut ties with a negative parental figure and they seem so empowered and confident that they made the right decision. I don't know if that's for me yet or not, but I do know that this year, with little contact with her, has been such an enormous relief that I am thinking about it. I'm envious of those who have walked away and curious how you got there.

So to those of you who did cut contact, what kind of thinking went into it, how you feel about it now, if you think the chasm will be permanent, and whether or not you've been able to stay in touch with other family members or if they felt you were cold, which is what I think will happen with some of my family (not my siblings, but maybe some uncles and cousins). Everyone in my family gets exasperated with my mother, but it's one of those "we're family no matter what" type families, and I often think they all consider me a cold fish. Of course, they don't know the whole history, nor do I feel like airling that laundry at this point, either. Honestly, that part of my life is over and I am truly over it, but the only time it bubbles up is when my mom blames me for not being the right kind of daughter and of course I can't help but remember why that is.

Sooo... Without knowing me, I suppose advice is hard to give. But I am just really interested in hearing personal experiences. What have you done, either to make yourself feel okay about cutting contact, or what have you done to increase your tolerance? Sometimes I think valium or stiff drinks (when she comes) over might be the only answer! (Kidding...mostly!)

Sorry so long, btw. Thank you for reading.

[Anonymous]

i cut contact when it became unbearable to have my mother in my life anymore. She is the one who pushed things as far as she could until finally it was too far. I thought, I just can't have this in my life anymore, I just can't. It was a realization more than a decision. I was just getting on my feet as a single mom and I was stressed to the max and had a lot on my plate, and I knew for sure that my little family was more important to me than my family of origin, and if I wanted my little family to survive, I had to cut out all extra stress. That included my mother, who created problems and drama because -- well, just because.

Long before I became estranged, I spent a year and a half in therapy trying to figure out WTH was going on with my relationship with my mother. A year and a half. My therapist pretty early on suggested cutting ties with my mother and I remember thinking it was a barbaric suggestion then.

FYI -- no one has been supportive of me. All think I am mean to my poor mother for cutting her off. They have no idea. I can't say I don't care, but it doesn't change knowing I did the right thing. My life is so much better now.

As far as advice, my mother was actively hurting me; I did not cut her off over things that happened in my childhood. I think that makes my situation different from yours. Maybe you can tolerate you mother if you get advice from the right therapist. In the mean time, don't give your mother so much power over you. When I first cut ties, I also forced myself to stop being angry. (Otherwise, what was the point of cutting ties?) It took discipline not to indulge in the anger anymore.

Anyway, good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP - chances are, it's not your fault. I can not see how any one can blame an innocent child when you were depending on her to well - PARENT (what a concept). It was her job to protect you, and she failed. I give you permission to cut the ties. Sometimes no grandparents for the kids are better than "kind of" a grandparent to the kids.

I have friends who are going through this, and others who pry about it. I feel the latter will never know what the former knows and have no business prying!

"My poor mother" - didn't she think that some day, you might choose her nursing home? Call me rotten to the core, but mommy dearest failed at her job. Abuse or allowing abuse is inexcusable.

Those who have not been through it have NO idea. Don't be ashamed to get help if you need it. It doesn't mean the terrorists win, it means the terrorists can't terrorize you any more. Be well.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents cut us off because they were against our marriage. Just like that, once we signed the papers they never again picked up the phone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to send you support. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

All I can say is, you sound like a very reasonable person. And it seems clear that your quality of life is vastly improved when minimizing contact with your mother. Whether this means you "should" for good, I don't know. It sounds as if other posters have had success involving a therapist in this decision. But I would encourage you to do whatever you can to minimize stress during your pregnancy--no matter what that stress is. Impending motherhood has its own stresses! Keep yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy, however you can.

I wish I could say more, except that you sound very grounded and like a survivor. I wish you every happiness in becoming a mother yourself. *Hugs*

[Anonymous]

My dad was a verbally abusive (on rare occasion physically abusive) person. Just not a nice person. Manipulative. Bullying. Aggressive. Sexist. Racist. . . . all the ist's. Just got sick of him and cut him off.

My mother and sister both have serious issues. To much to list here. They enable each other. Forgot/diminished some very important milestones in my life w/o apology. ("It's all about you" . . . well, yeah, my graduate degree kind of is. Can't really make that about you.) Wedding was "forgotten." Birthdays, too. Mom told me that she didn't intend to help with our DD at all (when I told her I was pregnant) because she "raised her kids." Nice. And everything is always someone else's fault. EVERYTHING. It is so exhausting.

Unfortunately, it has taken me a long time to try -not always successfully- to deal with their toxicity and to try to overcome the negativity that has been ingrained in me. I have to consciously be aware of it and fight against it.

I don't speak to my sister. She's just too toxic. My mom is sort of nuts and so I tolerate her in VERY small doses. My expectations are properly managed and so I don't get disappointed anymore.

[Anonymous]

I have so much to say to you, but am on a bb and can't type much. I HEAR you on the guilt. I have such a conflicting and confusing relationship w/my dad that if he died it would be both a relief and a lifetime of guilt, confusion, and lack of closure.

I think we need a support group for people like us. If I started a meet-up would anyone come? Is is just too painful and exhausting to actually talk this through? I do think a support group with REASONABLE people would be better than thearapy....someone who has been there and knows the crushing guilt, but relief at the same time of nearly cutting ties.

OP I hear you on the email!!! His very name irritates me and answering the phone even is an exhausting chore. It drains me.

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah, there would be interest.

[Anonymous]

I would come.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for the supportive replies and for sharing your own experiences with me. I will come back to this thread tomorrow with a better reply but I'm ready to fall asleep at the moment. As far as a meet up goes, this is something I'd have to give some thought to. As of the moment, though, I'm about to deliver anyday, so I think this would have to wait a few months because I want to focus on positive things and on baby when baby gets here. But I encourage the rest of you to do it! I'd love to keep the door open to be part of something like this when my husband and I get the hang of parenting enough to start worrying about our own parents again (ha ha).

Thanks again, so much, for all of the support. It felt very good to write that post, and it felt even better to get such kind replies. Hugs to all of you!

[Anonymous]

I wish you all the best, OP!! This is such a happy time in your life, with a baby on the way -- congratulations!!

While I'm not estranged from my mother, I will say that I've had some real challenges navigating some things with her these past five years. I worked with a great therapist (Rosemary Schwartzbard in Arlington) and that helped a lot. In the end it became very clear to me that I was not responsible for my mother's happiness or unhappiness. She is entitled to feel how she feels, of course, including sad and disappointed that we're not as close as she may like. But I decided to stop ignoring my own needs in favor of hers, and life got much, much better as a result. Looking back it all seems very clear, but the process took me awhile at the time. Of course, I still get annoyed with my mother, but it's much less now that I'm not ignoring my own needs and resenting her as a result.

It sounds like your mother really failed you growing up, and that you've done a fantastic job on your own. Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do. Either way, it sounds like you're going to be a great mom!

[Anonymous]

To the OP-

Just another person who understands your situation, and is wishing you the best! Enjoy your new little one when she/he arrives, and just trust that you have ideas about what kind of parent you want to be, and will do a great job.

take care and enjoy the last days of pregnancy.