Insight on mother/ daughter relationship improving as daughter ages

[Anonymous]

I realize most people here have younger kids, but maybe to draw upon even our own experiences with our mothers? I have two sons and a daughter, and have such an close, easy and uncomplicated relationship with both of them. My oldest son I am especially close to as I raised him by myself for his first 5 years.

My daughter has a very strong personality and a tendency to view things half-empty (all the earmarks of the middle child syndrome), and has a strong dose of melodrama. I am a more quiet and muted person, so the balance between us is usually off. I don't know what to do with all the histrionics and swooning like a modern day Scarlett O'Hara that she is. I've talked to my therapist about it and though I think it's normal for a parent to connect better or even prefer one child over another, I still hate feeling this way and having to work so hard to understand her and forge our relationship.

She's 7 now and I really hope it gets better with time, but I see her flair for drama increasing every day. She's also a daddy's girl which is irksome and certainly doesn't help our relationship either. It makes me sad because I'm very close to my mom and sisters, and for some reason, I'm just not able to *click* with my own daughter. I hope it mellows and when she's a young adult our relationship will deepen and we can become closer but I'm afraid that she may have decided by then it's just too much effort and we'll always be at arms' length. (my cousin is like this with her mom, tight with her dad, cold to her mom, and it scares me to think that may be me and my daughter in 20 years...)

Can anyone relate as either the daughter or the mother, or even both? How did things turn out?

[Anonymous]

My mom and I weren't especially close when I was a pre-teen and teenager. I sort-of resented the fact that she tried to be close about some things, but then invaded my privacy (read my journal and other things) several times. That may not seem like a big deal, but it really chilled my closeness with her - especially because I was put on restriction one time! I also had the normal bitchy teenager attitude which didn't help.

Anyway, I definitely appreciate her so much as an adult. We are close now and talk on the phone several times a week. Now that I'm a mom, I just think she is an incredible mother and person. It took me until I was in my late 20's-early 30's to start softening up, though. I have a baby daughter and I pray that this doesn't happen to us, but I think it's common for mothers and daughters, so I'm trying to enjoy these moments now. I just cringe when I think how bad I made my mom feel, but often we take for granted those closest to us. All you can do is love her and let things fall where they may. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Do your best now. She'll remember your efforts later. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

There's a book called "You're Wearing THAT?" by Deborah Tannen about the mother/daughter relationship.

Although it analyzes the adult relationship, you may find it insightful. As you mentioned, you're worried about the foundation you're laying today for your relationship 20 years from now.

[Anonymous]

I was really worried when pregnant about having a daughter, because my relationship with my mother has never been great. I ended up having a son, but being a parent has finally made me understand a little of what she was going through. For me, as a child, her inconsistency with punishment/expectations, laughing off or disparaging my concerns/feelings, as well as her disrespecting me (by reading diary as well, telling others things she promised to keep secret, and things like that) were the three big things that made me shy away from her emotionally.

It's OK and probably necessary for your child to not always like you. But always treating her with honesty and respect, and acknowledging her feelings (which doesn't mean giving into them if that's not appropriate) are two "musts" in my book.

[Anonymous]

Another thing that made me more distant from my mother was how she treated my father (poorly) in front of me.

[Anonymous]

I did not have a good relationship with my mom until I had my first child at age 28. At that point I relized that though she was not perfect, most all of us try our best with the emotional tools we are equipped with. My mom was certainly not perfect, but she did her best and I'm more forgiving now knowing how hard it is to be a mom.

I think we as women can be horribly critical of each other and people close in our lives. We need to actively take ownership of this flaw and work hard at keeping it at bay. Sometimes it just takes a LONG time, if ever, to realize this and work on improving.

[Anonymous]

A lot of daughters/mothers seem to have complicated/distant relationships. As I'm pregnant now, I've given it a lot of thought, but it ends up I'm having a boy, so who knows.

I guess one thing that I noticed about your post was you wishing that SHE would change. You can't hope for that. All you can do is to change yourself and how you relate to her. If you're more withdrawn/distant, figure out a better way to communicate with her that will work on her level. I'm not suggesting being hysterical, but maybe more in tune with what sets her off or with how she responds to you and how YOU could change your approach to work better.

[Anonymous]

We can be horribly critical of our mothers. But those of us who have had good moms best not take that for granted, either. Really, some don't know what others have been through. Most people don't divulge all the gory details, much to others' chagrin.

Just because you have a great, or even good, mom - doesn't mean everyone does.

I really acknowledge and commend those with real gripes (emotional or physical abuse or worse) - who try to do better for their own daughter.

I have friends who try to make up for it by appearances. their kid HAS to wear this or that brand, for example. What are they really teaching their kids?

I also have friends with every kind of support (family and/or paid) imaginable. They have no idea. It is the ones who are on their own, who take their own responsibility so seriously, who are to be admired most. Like I said, some truly have no idea.

It is more constructive to be AWARE of the misgivings and CORRECT them for your own.

Not to hijack, but I would love to hear about other books on the subject.

[Anonymous]

I strongly recommend the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. It's all about how the ways we as parents communicate can come across to a child as something completely different from what we intended. In the book there are techniques described for listening to kids and validating their feelings while kindly and sensitively (yet firmly) setting boundaries and limits, which is of course what we want to do and should do as parents.

Whether or not you have more than one child I also recommend "Siblings Without Rivalry" by the same authors. The funny thing about both these books is that in addition to teaching excellent parenting tools, they also provide you with good general communication tools. The principles described in both books helped me improve communication with my parents, my friends, boss, co-workers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was really worried when pregnant about having a daughter, because my relationship with my mother has never been great. I ended up having a son, but being a parent has finally made me understand a little of what she was going through. For me, as a child, her inconsistency with punishment/expectations, laughing off or disparaging my concerns/feelings, as well as her disrespecting me (by reading diary as well, telling others things she promised to keep secret, and things like that) were the three big things that made me shy away from her emotionally.

It's OK and probably necessary for your child to not always like you. But always treating her with honesty and respect, and acknowledging her feelings (which doesn't mean giving into them if that's not appropriate) are two "musts" in my book.

I totally agree with the above. Growing up, my feelings were often dismissed and though I wasn't really disrespected, I was never given any respect if that makes sense. We didn't start getting along until I moved out of the house. We still aren't very close, but our relationship has improved dramatically since I was a child.