Advice if anyone has family that is incarcerated?
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Anonymous
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This is kind of long winded so I'll summarize REALLY fast.
My dad married my step mom about 10 years ago. I was in my mid 20s as was my sister. Her sons were 19-mid 20s, so we weren't raised together or anything and live scattered but have generally decent relationships when we do see each other, we just don't keep in contact other than when we are all visiting home or birthday texts, etc. One of my stepmom's kids struggles with opiate addiction. Started in his late teens early 20s and after a bajillion chances with the law in the last 4 years or so landed himself in state prison, not just county jail. He's been locked up since October but sentencing and movement to the penn. was this month. I just don't know what to say or not say to my step mom when I see her. We are going to visit soon. I know being with our kids makes her feel better. She has definitely experienced depression bc of this situation and ailing parents (dementia) and my dad, while I love him, is not the easiest person, and never been the world's best spouse. He sort of declared that he was "done" with this situation, and isn't really supportive aside from telling her she needs to go to a therapist 1 on 1 because he thinks her support group is just an echo chamber of people who aren't coping well as opposed to lifting each other up. I have no idea if he is right or what. He really did do a lot of support, my step bro's own father cut him off and did very little after his first relapse after rehab, so my dad shouldered a ton of legal fees and a place to live for years. But still, he is callous about it IMO sometimes. Anyway, just anyone been there, done that?! Its way way way outside our family's experience. Nothing even remotely like this on my mom's side so she isn't all that helpful with advice either. |
Anonymous
| Like anything else sensitive like that, don't talk about it unless she brings it up. Ask her how's she's doing and be an ear if she needs it. |
Anonymous
| Yes, don't voice an opinion about any of it. Just listen. This is what therapists do. |
Anonymous
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This is OP. Thanks, I don't actually have an opinion on any of it. I mean aside from knowing my dad is a bit selfish, that's not an opinion, that's just fact TBH, but its not my place to bring that up at all obviously.
There kind of is no opinion to be had, it is what it is. I was leaning toward the never bring it up unless she does school and honestly for the most part that is what I've done but at the same time, I also don't want to come off as callous or oblivious or self-centered and pretend like its not happening to her and her son and prattle on about potty training and what not for days on end, it feels kind of fake and possibly isolating to her? |
Anonymous
| Just say "Hi Joann, how are you doing? How's Jason?" and then say "That's good" or "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that" as appropriate. |
Anonymous
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Your dad is a saint. He paid legal fees and put a roof over her adult sons head.
I would not bring it up. |
Anonymous
Agree. She is probably grieving and could use some support. Most people probably avoid mentioning her son and I bet that is difficult for her. He is her son no matter where he is at the moment. |
Anonymous
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I think your dad is likely very right that she needs to see a therapist. That's a good idea for about anyone grappling with a situation like that.
I would ask how he's doing, but also not get yourself in the position of being her main support. Nothing wrong with suggesting a therapist if you're feeling over your head with what she shares. |
Anonymous
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I would let it be known once that you support her, you love her and that you are here for her. I wouldn't ignore it 100% because I wouldn't want it to feel like a taboo topic or the elephant in the room. Just enough to let her know you are there to support her if she wants to talk but not that you will ask about it every time you see her.\
"Joan, I am so sorry about the situation with David. I know it is so difficult for all of you and I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and David and I am here if you ever need to talk." When it comes to your dad, I would never let him know you have that opinion of him. Addiction is hard for families and there is a lot that even people close to you will never know or understand. I think his frustration and anger is valid and hopefully something he will move past it soon. |
Anonymous
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I have a relative who is in prison for molesting children. No one even mentions his name.
I also have other step - family members with drug addiction. Showing support for their family is easier for obvious reasons... |
Anonymous
| Ask her how her son is doing. If you have any good memories of him and they come up naturally, talk about them. I cannot emphasize enough how common your family's situation is. Your stepmother should prepare herself for her son to struggle mightily when he is released. It sounds like your dad (like many, many stepfathers) has reached the limit of support he is willing to extend to a stepchild. And it really may be to soon to mention something like this to her. |
Anonymous
| I have a niece who has been in jail for drugs. I am fed up with her. Taking drugs is her personal choice and she can live with the court sequences. |
Anonymous
Well with such understanding family, how could she go wrong? She's likely struggling with addiction, a disease. One of the greatest public health crises of all time. A little compassion could go a long way here. |
Anonymous
| OP its really nice of you to think of your step-mom. I would start by sending a card asking how she's doing, and letting her know that you're thinking of her. When you see her, give her a hug and repeat those 2 things - its true, its kind, and leaves the door open for her to talk if she wants. |
Anonymous
You have no idea of how much compassion we have given her. The money spent on rehab. |