Bad manners in grandparents

[Anonymous]

My mom has always been rough around the edges and pretty brusque in her social interactions. For the most part I just ignore, or if the occasion calls for it, give her a gentle nudge if we're with company. Now that my son is a toddler and starts to notice things, I find it more difficult to ignore some stuff, especially since we are trying to teach DS manners. Mom has this habit of talking or even laughing while her mouth is full of food. It really turns my stomach sometimes. She also frequently interrupts other people/conversations, often mid-sentence. At her age she's unlikely to change, but I'm getting hyper sensitive b/c of DS, who's noticing it. Has anyone else dealt with it?

[Anonymous]

I have to deal with this with both sets of grandparents. You are correct that they are unlikely to change, and if they're ill-mannered or rude to begin with, they'll likely create drama than think of their grandkid. I'm averse to dealing with unreasonable people and avoid conflict, especially in front of my toddler. Therefore, I've just minimized my kid's exposure to grandparents and toxic relatives/friends. Feelings get hurt, sometimes people notice the ice and practice restraint, but I don't really care. I owe it to my kid to raise her well and teach her to be the best in every way. If grandparents are going to obstruct my parenting or my child's development, then they'll have to face the consequence of not being close to her.

[Anonymous]

You model good behavior, and you explicitly state to your children what they should and should not do, even taking the family members as examples. My parents smoke and swear casually, my husband has poor table manners, constantly fills up on ice cream and chips, and is socially clueless, so I have had to be the go-to person for manners, health and social mores.

Luckily, I've so established myself in my kids' minds that they don't question my authority in these categories
My mother is the go-to person for her command of our native language (the kids ask her help for their homework), my father is the go-to person for fun and games, my husband is the go-to person for STEM knowledge. We each have our areas of expertise!

[Anonymous]

Grandparents are a separate breed. You can still teach your kid manners and say "don't laugh and eat like grandma, only she is allowed to do that, because she is old"

or something.

[Anonymous]

Remember, it's equally bad manners to point out someone's bad manners.

My brother goes through this with his kids (now all teens). I remember them allowing their kids to point out and correct grandma's bad manners, which just never ever went well. Nobody wants to be put in their place by a child. Bad manners or no, it still really bothered my mom that they allowed that.

The best lesson I learned (I have one kid, now 5) was when my brother and SIL changed their philosophy: it's never OK to scold adults or point out their flaws. Emphasize to your own kids they must have good manners even if grandma doesn't (part of having good character). Teach your kids to worry about themselves, they are not the manners police.

The only time I say anything in the moment is if I need to stick up for my kid: if my mom interrupts my son too many times, or says something mean to him, etc. My teenage nieces stick up for themselves too, but have gotten really good and letting regular bad manners go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember, it's equally bad manners to point out someone's bad manners.

My brother goes through this with his kids (now all teens). I remember them allowing their kids to point out and correct grandma's bad manners, which just never ever went well. Nobody wants to be put in their place by a child. Bad manners or no, it still really bothered my mom that they allowed that.

The best lesson I learned (I have one kid, now 5) was when my brother and SIL changed their philosophy: it's never OK to scold adults or point out their flaws. Emphasize to your own kids they must have good manners even if grandma doesn't (part of having good character). Teach your kids to worry about themselves, they are not the manners police.

The only time I say anything in the moment is if I need to stick up for my kid: if my mom interrupts my son too many times, or says something mean to him, etc. My teenage nieces stick up for themselves too, but have gotten really good and letting regular bad manners go.

+1

Great advice here.

[Anonymous]

Mouth full of good, that's not the worst thing...my dad is stoned ALL the time--in fact I cannot remember the last conversation I had with him when he wasn't. Every time I stop by my parents' home it smells like weed smoke. My wife and I are having a baby and sometimes I think "I'm not going to be able to let my child be around him"...
I think some offenses are ok to expose children to--as little no as we use them as "teachable moments" to show kids that, yes, even loved ones can do things the wrong way, but here's the right way.

But potheadgrandpa, well....I have about 9 months to figure out how I'm gonna handle that one.