Husband is afraid of my temper
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Anonymous
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I am told by my husband that I can be mean and aggressive when I get angry.
It hurts me so much to know that he gets hurt by stuff I say when I am mad. An example, we don't earn a good living. I am usually frustrated by our tight budget. When in a bad mood, I'll say something along the lines of, " This is why I should've married a rich guy!" SO MEAN. I KNOW. I need to stop! Please help! |
Anonymous
You should have. Is there still time? Don't torture this poor loser. Your understandable dissatisfaction isn't going anywhere. |
Anonymous
LOL. Depends what OP brings to the marriage. What do you do OP? |
Anonymous
Even here, you put your feelings first. Until you learn to put his feelings at least equal to yours, at all times, you'll keep being mean. It takes a lot of work and practice to be mindful. It also takes work to learn to think before you speak. It takes a huge attitude adjustment to stop blaming others and stop putting yourself and your feelings ahead of theirs. |
Anonymous
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I have been with my wife for 18 years, married for almost 15 and I used to be like you, OP. My wife is the more even-keeled partner and has a good tempering on me. Fortunately, although much calmer, she wasn't afraid to speak up, even when I was upset/mad and say things like "That doesn't help." "You're taking your anger/frustration out on me and I don't appreciate it."
What you need to do is focus on how and when you vent and react. At the time, I turned to venting in the car on my commute. I often yelled at and harangued the radio anchors on WTOP or DJs on music stations and fortunately, they didn't get hurt by anything I said.  Bad then, going to the pool was also a good place to work off excess frustration energy.
I also picked up a few gibberish phrases that I trained myself to say when it was inappropriate to say other things. My office mate many years ago used to say "Argle bargle" and I adapted to using that. Another friend says "Cheese and crackers." etc. I still say "Argle bargle" occasionally, especially when my young kids are around. Another tip is that when I was angry, frustrated, upset, I would mentally think a bunch without saying it. I would often "take 5" and go to another room or someplace to sit and digest what I was thinking about, calm down. I would often wait until hours later or the next day to come and verbalize frustrations when I was in a calmer and more constructive mood. Often, by then, I had come up with some alternative proposals for the situation/problem that we could brainstorm around. For example, in your case, I would get frustrated by the tight budget and go and think on it and later come back with an idea like "I've been really frustrated with our budget and so I'm thinking of taking an evening job a couple of nights a week to earn some extra cash and ease the financial tension. Can we make that work?" THen we can brainstorm around the idea and come up with some plans. Frustration, venting and the lack of a mental sieve between brain and mouth are learned behavior. You can teach yourself to swallow emotional outbursts or substitute other sayings and then find ways to adapt to the frustration/anger off-line or at least when others aren't within hearing range. Try to keep the bigger picture in mind. You aren't going to change yourself in a matter of days or weeks. This will take months and years to retrain yourself. The conscious thought are easier to change. The emotional outbursts take longer to adjust, but you can do it. |
Anonymous
Sure because marrying only for money and prostitution is different how? |
Anonymous
| get over yourself, drop your whining and get some damn therapy. learn to treat your husband with the same respect you would extend to another adult. |
Anonymous
If my wife ever said that to me I'd tell her to get f____ed and good luck finding her rich guy. Read Dale Carnegies book "How to win friends and influence people." Its not psycho babble stuff and written almost 100 years ago. |
Anonymous
+1. OP sounds so selfish and miserable. |
littlestarsmum
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| I’m sorry to hear that. I so appreciate your willingness to reach out for help. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor? Do you think that's something that might be helpful for you and your husband? Hope you’ll work through this soon, girl. Sending hugs & prayers your way! |
Anonymous
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You obviously have a lot of deeply rooted anger issues that you need to sort out OP.
They could stem from childhood and/or past relationships. It is also likely that you could also be suffering from depression as well. My best advice to you would be to see a professional & get yourself medically evaluated. Good luck! |
Anonymous
I think that seeing someone to help you cope with your feelings is important. But I also think that when you get angry, you are expressing your regrets. You are not happy with your life. That can weigh on anyone. But, instead of getting angry about it, do something about it. Go back to school and further your education, find a new career path that will earn you more money, take on a second job (uber or something on the side), etc... It is easy to have anger problems when you hate your life and probably parts of yourself. Do something that allows you to love yourself again and find happiness in your life. |
Anonymous
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OP: you potentially have a serious problem, the beginnings of Borderline Personality Disorder. My ex used to be just like you--said horrible things to me, and sometimes later admitted she didn't understand why she said those things, they "just came out of her mouth". Eventually I was walking on eggshells any time she was around and experiencing tremendous anxiety. Later I was forced to cut off nearly all communication with her, and that was the end of the marriage.
All the nasty things she said (and sometimes wrote in emails) about me sure did come in handy during the custody trial. |
Anonymous
+1. My sister went through this in her marriage. She was a rage machine, her ex basically hit his point where he decided to make her rages public (embarrassing) because she wouldn't go to therapy and didn't think anything was wrong. She kept on the whole "he's just over-sensitive, etc." But once the divorce was filed she was nuts. She was mean and went hard. Tried to get full custody and ice the dad out. It backfired and he has full custody and the kicker is that she is writing monthly child support checks and sees her kids every other weekend and a month during the summer. She STILL has anger issue and hasn't gotten help. She views herself as the victim in all of this. |
Anonymous
| You need therapy. If you really loved your husband you wouldn't dream of saying such a thing to him. |