Long gone family members "re-appear"

[Anonymous]

I moved to the U.S. with my mother in the 1990s. My parents have been divorced since I was 2 and I haven't seen my birth father since then. I was raised by my mom's American husband who was an amazing father figure and very kind. A few weeks ago I got a FB message from a total stranger asking me if my birth father was so and so. I said "yes." Lo' and behold, it's my half-brother and he's very very excited to meet me. He tells me about his life, about my birth father, how much they miss me, want to meet me. They want to know everything about me, my husband, my children. My other half-siblings want to add me on FB, my birth father wants to skype with me. I keep my messages very brief but they are so insistent for information. They send me videos of my grandparents who are constantly crying and saying that I am always in their hearts. I am very weary of this, to say the least. Those people didn't want anything to do with me for years, even before we moved to the U.S. and now they want a relationship?

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Maybe they did want something to do with you and your mom discouraged it. She moved you to another country, and assuming you are in your 30's+, phone and other communication was not that easy. He may have tried and she refused to let you see or speak to him. She made things so difficult that after so much time, they gave up not knowing what to do or not wanting to make it harder on you. It was clearly easier for your mom to replace your dad than encourage a relationship between you and dad. You don't know the full story so be open before you close them out.

[Anonymous]

Please don't close them down completely but let them know you want to take t things slowly and you're not jumping head first into an enthusiastic reunion because often that backfires and instinctively its not you. Be honest but be kind.

[Anonymous]

OP. I guess I should've provided some details. I lived in the same city with my birth father until I was 10. Not once did that man visit me, not once did his parents call. They were encouraged to call. I heard my own mother pleading with them on the phone to come and see or at least "take her for ice cream in the park." This man signed away his parental rights very easily. My maternal grandparents lived 3 blocks! away from him. They would regularly run into him on the street. Not once did he ask about me.

When we first moved to the U.S., my mom sent them our address. She'd send them my school pictures. She stopped doing that when I was about 16. We never got any replies. NOTHING.

[Anonymous]

I can actually understand being wary of your birth father and grandparents. I would probably be a little skeptical of them, too.

But your half siblings had no more control over this than you did as a kid. If they are reaching out to you I think that's kind of cool. Get to know them in your own time. And let a relationship develop naturally, no need to rush into it.

Maybe set aside Fridays (or whatever day) as your day of contact where you message them, talk to them and possibly even see them. You can later add more days if you want to.

[Anonymous]

I would be skeptical and take it very slowly.
Like once a week replying.

Focus on your real life, actual friends & family, don't get distracted, and keep things light.

Depending on what country or culture they are from they may have extreme expectations (i.e. expect month-long houseguests soon). And most of all, do not feel guilty about anything. Your father drove most of the distance, and everyone has their own busy lives.

I know I like to assume the best about people, but sometimes even intensely curious people are not the best. At worst case, they want your money and generosity, as you live in "rich America in a big house."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved to the U.S. with my mother in the 1990s. My parents have been divorced since I was 2 and I haven't seen my birth father since then. I was raised by my mom's American husband who was an amazing father figure and very kind. A few weeks ago I got a FB message from a total stranger asking me if my birth father was so and so. I said "yes." Lo' and behold, it's my half-brother and he's very very excited to meet me. He tells me about his life, about my birth father, how much they miss me, want to meet me. They want to know everything about me, my husband, my children. My other half-siblings want to add me on FB, my birth father wants to skype with me. I keep my messages very brief but they are so insistent for information. They send me videos of my grandparents who are constantly crying and saying that I am always in their hearts. I am very weary of this, to say the least. Those people didn't want anything to do with me for years, even before we moved to the U.S. and now they want a relationship?

WWYD?

I wouldn't have replied. Maybe I'd do some snooping into this character FB'ing me but I'd probably need some real proof or a PI hired to automatically think someone is my half-sibling. Even if they were, what is really going on here out of the blue? I am a private person. People insistent on information about me would really backfire.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your mom is still alive -- can she confirm that these people actually are who they claim to be? If your bio father had a second family, would your mom even know for sure, for instance, that the half-brother is really your bio dad's son? Do you recall these grandparents well enough, after so long, that you're positive they're really your grandparents?

I usually prefer to assume the best of people and hate to be so skeptical but these days -- with SO much information available everywhere -- I would be wary of such a sudden and intense approach. This truly may be a case of someone who had no idea you existed and who is your real half-sibling and who is hungry to make up for lost time. I hope that's the case. But I just would be wary of the suddenness of this.

I think that if you're concerned, limit contact for now; don't reply to emails etc. immediately, say you're not ready to Skype at present, if they phone don't feel you must pick up; call back at your convenience or limit contact to email. And if you feel any gut feelings that something is off; or if you feel pressured by them to respond immediately all the time; or, most of all, if they start to ask you for anything (they press you to have them visit, or they ask you to pay for anything)--then see how they react to a "No" and their reaction gives you your answer.

I'm not saying cut them off. You might miss out on family who have had a genuine change of heart ( or who in brother's case might not have known about you). But proceed with caution.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, my first reaction is suspicion. The fact that they're pumping you hard for information, all private family details, is a red flag. I'm thinking either a phishing scam or they'd be asking for huge favors soon.

[Anonymous]

OP. Yes, my mom confirmed it was my father on the pictures and she knew he remarried and had 3 more kids. She also knew their names. I showed her their pictures, there were a few of them with their mother. She recognized her as my bio father's 2nd wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they did want something to do with you and your mom discouraged it. She moved you to another country, and assuming you are in your 30's+, phone and other communication was not that easy. He may have tried and she refused to let you see or speak to him. She made things so difficult that after so much time, they gave up not knowing what to do or not wanting to make it harder on you. It was clearly easier for your mom to replace your dad than encourage a relationship between you and dad. You don't know the full story so be open before you close them out.

Replace the father? She said she hasn't seen the birth daddy since she was 2. There was nothing to replace.

[Anonymous]

Are they from a poorer country, OP? Or one with a similar standard of living?

[Anonymous]

Once a week is a lot for strangers. I wouldn't add to Facebook and wouldn't provide info until I got info like wtf he ignored u all ur life. I wouldn't care what the answers were but would just want them all to know that they can't reinvent the truth.

[Anonymous]

Oh I understand better now OP.
Just block them from FB completely. Be done with it and move on, forget about it. Don't get angry about the past.

[Anonymous]

Your father hasn't told his new family what a shitty father he was so they don't understand why you are keeping your distance. I wouldn't engage with them.