making up or having regrets

[Anonymous]

If you were barely on speaking terms with your parent(s) or IL(s) when they got really sick with cancer or something equally serious, how did it play out? Did you visit them, make up with them before it was too late?

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the circumstances. If it was a distance brought on by disagreement, ideology, or just people not sharing commonality then I would try to be supportive. If it was a distance caused by abuse, neglect, etc then I would not make unwanted efforts.

I think it also depends on who initiated the separation. If that person did, then I would leave it to then to extend the olive branch.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I am completely cut off from my father's family - cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandmother. I confronted my dad about the sexual abuse he performed and he (cleverly) rushed around telling people what I was "accusing" him of. They chose to believe him. Despite having had very close relationships to people in that family I will not reach out to anyone there, because of this incident. I don't imagine I will feel too badly when the time comes, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I am completely cut off from my father's family - cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandmother. I confronted my dad about the sexual abuse he performed and he (cleverly) rushed around telling people what I was "accusing" him of. They chose to believe him. Despite having had very close relationships to people in that family I will not reach out to anyone there, because of this incident. I don't imagine I will feel too badly when the time comes, either.

I am so sorry this happened to you, I really am. You are better off without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were barely on speaking terms with your parent(s) or IL(s) when they got really sick with cancer or something equally serious, how did it play out? Did you visit them, make up with them before it was too late?

This is so largely dependent on the circumstances. Like PP who was subjected to both sexual abuse and then ostracized because of a lie, I don't see much to gain on her part. Her "relatives" might feel awful at some point if they ever figure out that her dad was an abuser and a liar.

But for regular hurt feelings, etc. I would try. I had an incredibly strained relationship with my father, and while I talked to him, it was completely superficial and polite and done only so I could attend family events where I saw everyone else I loved. I did not love my father. I wasn't mean or angry or raging. I just didn't love him. He died almost 10 years ago. Having my own child made me see how fragile my dad was as a kid, how damaged he was by his own life circumstances. I don't know if I could have truly mended fences, but I could have been more empathetic to him while he was still living. And I regret that.

My brother, on the other hand, is completely on the outs with our mom. I know for certain it's going to kill him when she dies. He's just too much of a knucklehead to understand that, at this point. For both their sakes, it would be good if they could mend fences before she dies. Their estrangement is killing her anyway.

Again, it's all about the unique and complex circumstances of your case. But something tells me if you are concerned now, it might be difficult for you after they are gone.

What helped me, if it matters, was finally seeing that my father once was somebody's baby boy, just like my baby boy. And where I work hard to help shape my child into a loving, resilient, mature, and caring individual, my dad was abandoned by a father and left to care for his alcoholic mother. He didn't have much of a shot at becoming fully healthy. I felt sorry for the little boy my dad once was. Yes, there are strong people who make it out of that situation and go on to be really amazing human beings. But my dad wasn't one of them. If you are experiencing anything similar, maybe you could see their flaws for what they are, before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the circumstances. If it was a distance brought on by disagreement, ideology, or just people not sharing commonality then I would try to be supportive. If it was a distance caused by abuse, neglect, etc then I would not make unwanted efforts.

I think it also depends on who initiated the separation. If that person did, then I would leave it to then to extend the olive branch.

But more often than not, each side believes the other started it..