When your young teen gets along better with adults than peers

[Anonymous]

I know middle school is tough for all, but my nearly 14 yo dd has had difficulty relating to peers since she was in preschool! She just doesn't really pick up on social clues, has no sense of self-depracation, gets easily annoyed by things she perceives to be injustices, and generally cannot let anything go. She is, however, very smart and converses well with adults, who think she is just absolutely amazing. She is a pleaser/teacher brown-noser in school, an over-achiever. But she doesn't really have many (any?) friends nor does she do the things one needs to do to be a friend (i.e. reach out, etc). No amount of trying to coach her on this has worked in her life. She's easily aggrieved. And, Lord can she be nasty to her sibling (who is a social butterfly so I think it's out of envy).

I have finally called a therapist as I'm really worried for her. But I wonder if this is overkill? I guess the therapist can evaluate.

My wife is having a harder time than I am --- she tends to take things personally and attack others when upset/angry, etc. I'm calmer and seem to know how to talk to dd in a way that's more effective/relatable. Wife says she's doomed for an awful mother-daughter relationship and I'll never understand this as a man.


Anyone else have a kid like this? Any tips?

[Anonymous]

Yes! DD is very similar. In our case, we know she has anxiety, but I've wondered if other things are going on. (Inattentive ADD?) Like you, we're pursuing therapy. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Let me know what you find out because I have a son exactly like that. Eerie how I could have written that post.

[Anonymous]

I have one of those too, but she seems happy and has a small group of friends, so I leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! DD is very similar. In our case, we know she has anxiety, but I've wondered if other things are going on. (Inattentive ADD?) Like you, we're pursuing therapy. Good luck!

ADD and an over achiever and good student? Try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know middle school is tough for all, but my nearly 14 yo dd has had difficulty relating to peers since she was in preschool! She just doesn't really pick up on social clues, has no sense of self-depracation, gets easily annoyed by things she perceives to be injustices, and generally cannot let anything go. She is, however, very smart and converses well with adults, who think she is just absolutely amazing. She is a pleaser/teacher brown-noser in school, an over-achiever. But she doesn't really have many (any?) friends nor does she do the things one needs to do to be a friend (i.e. reach out, etc). No amount of trying to coach her on this has worked in her life. She's easily aggrieved. And, Lord can she be nasty to her sibling (who is a social butterfly so I think it's out of envy).

I have finally called a therapist as I'm really worried for her. But I wonder if this is overkill? I guess the therapist can evaluate.

My wife is having a harder time than I am --- she tends to take things personally and attack others when upset/angry, etc. I'm calmer and seem to know how to talk to dd in a way that's more effective/relatable. Wife says she's doomed for an awful mother-daughter relationship and I'll never understand this as a man.


Anyone else have a kid like this? Any tips?

Hi, Op

I've highlighted the parts in your post that my DD was like your DD at age 13. She was also very sensitive to clothes and hated tags. At age 13, she was diagnosed with HFA. Girls are diagnosed not as early usually because girls can cover their social anxieties better. She also has ADHD ( inattentive) and has some OCD tendencies. Before diagnoisis we tried to coach her too but, she was too scared and didn't know how. We had her tested at 10 first but, it wasn't picked up until 13. Your wife may have it as well since we now know more. Think Susan Boyle from the singing show was diagnosed in her 40's

Before anyone says "you say everyone has Aspergers" Let me say this, it is a very real possibility. It is not the end of the world as we love our DD and she has a lot of good qualities. I felt relieved once we knew what was "wrong" and then we could deal with it.

If you live in the area, Dr. David Black in Chevy Chase ( PEERS) is excellent for testing and social groups, which really helped unlike other social groups.

Good luck! I wish your family the best.

[Anonymous]

Has she ever gone to a social skills class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! DD is very similar. In our case, we know she has anxiety, but I've wondered if other things are going on. (Inattentive ADD?) Like you, we're pursuing therapy. Good luck!

ADD and an over achiever and good student? Try again.

OP here. I'll ask the therapist of course, but I don't think this is an ADD thing. I mean, she absolutely excels at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know middle school is tough for all, but my nearly 14 yo dd has had difficulty relating to peers since she was in preschool! She just doesn't really pick up on social clues, has no sense of self-depracation, gets easily annoyed by things she perceives to be injustices, and generally cannot let anything go. She is, however, very smart and converses well with adults, who think she is just absolutely amazing. She is a pleaser/teacher brown-noser in school, an over-achiever. But she doesn't really have many (any?) friends nor does she do the things one needs to do to be a friend (i.e. reach out, etc). No amount of trying to coach her on this has worked in her life. She's easily aggrieved. And, Lord can she be nasty to her sibling (who is a social butterfly so I think it's out of envy).

I have finally called a therapist as I'm really worried for her. But I wonder if this is overkill? I guess the therapist can evaluate.

My wife is having a harder time than I am --- she tends to take things personally and attack others when upset/angry, etc. I'm calmer and seem to know how to talk to dd in a way that's more effective/relatable. Wife says she's doomed for an awful mother-daughter relationship and I'll never understand this as a man.


Anyone else have a kid like this? Any tips?

Hi, Op

I've highlighted the parts in your post that my DD was like your DD at age 13. She was also very sensitive to clothes and hated tags. At age 13, she was diagnosed with HFA. Girls are diagnosed not as early usually because girls can cover their social anxieties better. She also has ADHD ( inattentive) and has some OCD tendencies. Before diagnoisis we tried to coach her too but, she was too scared and didn't know how. We had her tested at 10 first but, it wasn't picked up until 13. Your wife may have it as well since we now know more. Think Susan Boyle from the singing show was diagnosed in her 40's

Before anyone says "you say everyone has Aspergers" Let me say this, it is a very real possibility. It is not the end of the world as we love our DD and she has a lot of good qualities. I felt relieved once we knew what was "wrong" and then we could deal with it.

If you live in the area, Dr. David Black in Chevy Chase ( PEERS) is excellent for testing and social groups, which really helped unlike other social groups.

Good luck! I wish your family the best.

Thanks for this. I'll mention something to the therapist. I'd be surprised, however -- I've been around a lot of people with autism and it doesn't fit (and I don't think there is daddy bias there -- I'm quite capable of looking at her objectively and knowing her strengths and weaknesses.).

[Anonymous]

Yes, she needs help. Therapy is not overkill.

Keep in mind that adults are going to kindly overlook many social missteps teens make bc they have the maturity to do so. But as your DD gets older, adults will become less kind. She will then not have friends among her peers or adults.

[Anonymous]

My oldest was like that except not mean to siblings - in fact he's very caring and helpful to them. Around 11th grade he developed a few friends who have common interests - before that, nothing worked to help him make friends and he wasn't bothered by it. Now he's a senior and still has an easier time with adults but he has maybe 3 friends that he sees a few times a month.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my DD who has non-verbal learning disorder. It's not in the newest version of the DSM as a separate diagnosis any more, but there is a lot of great information out there if you search.

[Anonymous]

You have described my aspire girl to a T! Also very picky about food and easily offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have described my aspire girl to a T! Also very picky about food and easily offended.

Should say "aspie" not "aspire"!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know middle school is tough for all, but my nearly 14 yo dd has had difficulty relating to peers since she was in preschool! She just doesn't really pick up on social clues, has no sense of self-depracation, gets easily annoyed by things she perceives to be injustices, and generally cannot let anything go. She is, however, very smart and converses well with adults, who think she is just absolutely amazing. She is a pleaser/teacher brown-noser in school, an over-achiever. But she doesn't really have many (any?) friends nor does she do the things one needs to do to be a friend (i.e. reach out, etc). No amount of trying to coach her on this has worked in her life. She's easily aggrieved. And, Lord can she be nasty to her sibling (who is a social butterfly so I think it's out of envy).

I have finally called a therapist as I'm really worried for her. But I wonder if this is overkill? I guess the therapist can evaluate.

My wife is having a harder time than I am --- she tends to take things personally and attack others when upset/angry, etc. I'm calmer and seem to know how to talk to dd in a way that's more effective/relatable. Wife says she's doomed for an awful mother-daughter relationship and I'll never understand this as a man.


Anyone else have a kid like this? Any tips?

Hi, Op

I've highlighted the parts in your post that my DD was like your DD at age 13. She was also very sensitive to clothes and hated tags. At age 13, she was diagnosed with HFA. Girls are diagnosed not as early usually because girls can cover their social anxieties better. She also has ADHD ( inattentive) and has some OCD tendencies. Before diagnoisis we tried to coach her too but, she was too scared and didn't know how. We had her tested at 10 first but, it wasn't picked up until 13. Your wife may have it as well since we now know more. Think Susan Boyle from the singing show was diagnosed in her 40's

Before anyone says "you say everyone has Aspergers" Let me say this, it is a very real possibility. It is not the end of the world as we love our DD and she has a lot of good qualities. I felt relieved once we knew what was "wrong" and then we could deal with it.

If you live in the area, Dr. David Black in Chevy Chase ( PEERS) is excellent for testing and social groups, which really helped unlike other social groups.

Good luck! I wish your family the best.

NP. I also immediately thought HFA when I read the OP. The difficulty relating to same-age peers, the rigidity, social awkwardness, etc. I also heard an NPR report that said girls are able to cover up HFA a bit better.