Need advice - information sharing and divorced parents
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Anonymous
| Hi, I'm an adult with a family of my own and my parents recently divorced. As far as I know they aren't speaking to each other. One of them, however, asks me how the other one is doing. These inquiries are getting uncomfortable since I know the other parent has been spending a lot of time with a new partner. I don't want to be the one to share this news, but I don't want to lie either. What is the best approach? Just say that if either one wants to know about something to ask directly? |
Anonymous
|
My parents acrimoniously divorced when I was two.
Take my advice, I have been working on this for 30 years. Make it a clean break. You won't take sides, you won't trash talk or give secrets about one to the other. If they can't handle you causally mentioning the other in conversation without probing for details then stop casually mentioning them. The longer and more firmly you adhere to these boundaries, the less awkward it will get and the less they will inquire. "Mom I really don't feel comfortable being in the middle of this, let's talk about your day instead." "Dad I am not mom's keeper, I don't know what she did last week and I am not going to spy on you or her. How was the game last night?" |
Anonymous
| Thanks, that sounds like the right approach. I'm worried though because this new partner is someone who has been known to both of them for many years and if it's ever found out will cause a lot of anger and pain. |
Anonymous
Why did they divorce then? You can't feel sorry for them dating again and hurting feelings. Not your problem. They chose to be alone, and now they have to deal with the consequences. |
Anonymous
Honestly that's just more reason to take a firm position of not sharing in either direction. You don't want to be seen as a tattle tale or seem as keeping secret so just make it a blanket policy and be really clear that's what you're doing. "Mom/Dad your divorce has been difficult for me. I can't be between you two so I'm going to make both of you off limits as a discussion topic with the other. I want to do this so I can keep both of your trust and love. Please respect that this is important to me. " |
Anonymous
| My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, and I told them that I would not, under any circumstances, talk to one of them about the other. This full blockade includes passing along news, trash talking, listening to trash talk, etc. If one of them said something (especially bad) about the other, I said "I love you, but you know the rules. Do we need to get off the phone for now or will you change the subject?" They ALWAYS moved on to something else. And I get the sense that they appreciated knowing that I was such a hard-ass about this that I wasn't going to listen to anything bad about them. Now, 20 years later, they are much better behaved and I can loosen up a bit, but boy-oh-boy did that serve me well for a good stretch there. (Especially when my father went on to marry two crazy women in very rapid succession.) |
Anonymous
| Plying for sure formation, or wishing the other well? Divorces come in all sizes. |