Feeling really down

[Anonymous]

I've been feeling really down lately about TTC.

I got pregnant last summer the old fashioned way, but we had to terminate the pregnancy due to a fatal defect. I was 39 3/4 when I got pregnant and 4 days before my 40th birthday we had to terminate. We had been TTC about 6 months and I had been doing acupuncture for about 4 of those months when I got pregnant.

I've been TTC since then. I started seeing Rifka at Columbia who diagnosed a luteal phase defect. I did one round of Bravelle with TI that didn't work. I decided that I was driving myself crazy and decided to do acupuncture again without the drugs for a few cycles to see what would happen. Last cycle I was so sure I was pregnant again the old fashioned way. I felt "activity" from ovulation on. It didn't work.

I work out regularly. I eat well. I don't smoke. My weight is normal. I've had my hormones tested 3 times since April of 2008. April 2008 FSH 6.1 LH 3.9 TSH normal; January 2009 FSH 4.7 LH 3.5 TSH normal; February 2009 (with Rifka others were just w/OB) FSH 7.7 LH 3.4 TSH normal estradiol 36. My husband doesn't have any issues.

I'm just feeling like its never going to happen. I'll be 41 next month and feeling like time is running out. I'm going to go back on the drugs next cycle. Part of me feels like I'm getting in my own way with all the pressure I put on myself and if I could just relax it would happen. The other part of me feels like its never going to happen even if we move on to IVF.

I never thought that I would have issues conceiving. In addition, if I did conceive at this point I would be a nervous wreck for at least the first trimester. I feel like a healthy baby is almost impossible. We've had the worst happen so it feels iffy even if I get pregnant again.

Any words of wisdom? Thanks for listening (reading)

[Anonymous]

I think you need to relax-what about going away for a weekend and not thinking about conceiving. Hard to do but I think it would be a good thing for you. You numbers don't sound that bad and I just delivered at almost 41 so I don't go by age all that much. I read that book "inconceivable" before I started trying for my baby and I think it sort of calmed me down.

Hang in there!!

[Anonymous]

sorry you are feeling so down. i also had to terminate b/c of a serious defect and then went on to have a few miscarriages and, ultimately, 3 healthy children (one an oops @42).

i know how loud the clock can tick. wishing you all the best. i believe it will happen for you -- your numbers are just too good.

[Anonymous]

We did IVF, had a failed round, then miscarried twins, then finally got (and stayed) pregnant on round #3 (now overdue and going crazy waiting to deliver). My RE recommended therapy while we went through the third round and it really helped me a lot with coming to terms with the difficulty in getting pregnant. It seemed like it was so easy for everyone else, but I began to really realize how much each child is such a miracle. I stayed in therapy through the first trimester, until we had told our families and friends, and that gave me an outlet each week to talk through how I was feeling. For me, getting through round #3 and the first tri was really all about putting one foot in front of the other. It was a long, hard slog, but I'm so glad we went ahead, even with all of the doubts that I had about doing another round of IVF.

No real words of wisdom for you, but just some empathy. I do think given what you've been through that it makes absolute sense to move ahead with your RE and the drugs though - at least for me it was helpful to feel like we were being as proactive as we could, but we also definitely had diagnosed issues that made any other course impossible for us. Hang in there and best wishes.

[Anonymous]

I hear your pain and wish I could wish it away for you. I too went through multiple miscarraiges and one bad ectopic pregnancy. I think the OP recommendation for therapy is a great idea. Going away or giving you and your hubby other special treats is also a good idea.

I found it really insulting to be told to "just relax and it will happen". Stress can contribute to fertility issues but I didn't find it a "mind over matter" thing. I needed to have a great sense of action and control over the situation. Whatever works for you is best. It also helped me to know I wasn't alone...this forum is good for that.

I turned 40 a month before my twins were born. Your numbers look good and the fact that you've gotten pregnant before on your own is very good news. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Instead of reading "inconceivable", how about reading the book: "It's conceivable" by Lynsi Eastburn? I've found it very helpful and useful.