Sibling rivalry

[Anonymous]

6 year old DS was very sweet and tolerant of his 2.5 year old sister up until about the last two months. He will still play nicely with her from time to time but no longer hugs her , talks to her in an annoyed voice when she gets into his stuff, and is less tolerant of her in general. I think this started when she began to get a lot of praise from us for her peeing in the potty and he expressed that he was jealous of the attention she was getting. He does get plenty of positive attention and praise from us. We have talked with him about not competing with her and how important their relationship is but nothing has changed. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

One advice I always hear is try to connect him to her accomplishments so that he feels proud of her and himself. Ex: good job for peeing on potty just like your big brother. Jimmy thank you for being such a good example to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Lay off the talk about how important the relationship is.

[Anonymous]

I would talk with him and validate his feelings but tell him how siblings are supposed to speak to each other. For example, "your sister is really annoying you I bet!" "Toddlers can be really difficult to deal with sometimes but we all need to be patient because it is a normal phase, you went through it. Speaking to Ava in a nasty voice isn't very nice. But don't worry, she will be out of this phase soon."

I honestly don't blame him! Full disclosure: my kids are two years apart so take my advice with a grain of salt. I also have tried really hard not to interfere with my kids' relationship. Good or bad, it is their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 year old DS was very sweet and tolerant of his 2.5 year old sister up until about the last two months. He will still play nicely with her from time to time but no longer hugs her , talks to her in an annoyed voice when she gets into his stuff, and is less tolerant of her in general. I think this started when she began to get a lot of praise from us for her peeing in the potty and he expressed that he was jealous of the attention she was getting. He does get plenty of positive attention and praise from us. We have talked with him about not competing with her and how important their relationship is but nothing has changed. Any advice?

Take him out alone to celebrate an accomplishment of his.

[Anonymous]

I think you should probably just back off and give it time. Nothing you mentioned sounds particularly shocking. It seems like it's a slightly different relationship than they had before, but it's not necessarily "bad." I would make sure that he isn't mean to her and that you give both of them attention and love, but I don't think I would force anything. If you do, it's going to risk making him turn away from her even more. Sometimes kids get along better and sometimes worse. Maybe this is a difficult age distribution for them because he's getting more into "big kid stuff" and thinks of her as still a little kid. Or maybe it's difficult because she's getting bigger and starting to feel more like a peer. It's hard to really say, but it's okay for siblings to have these waxes and wanes. I would just enforce the rules and show compassion and understanding to both but not force them to spend tons of time together or hug each other, etc.

[Anonymous]

Never, ever miss an opportunity to praise him (and her) for loving each other or being such a great big brother. Over the top. At least daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One advice I always hear is try to connect him to her accomplishments so that he feels proud of her and himself. Ex: good job for peeing on potty just like your big brother. Jimmy thank you for being such a good example to your sister.

I agree with this.

I also think that kids tend to identify with parents when they are annoyed with siblings much more than get jealous of siblings getting too much praise. So, it may be that the potty training was a particularly stressful event for you, and he picked up on that, and is annoyed with his sister for making life difficult for mom. Does that make sense? So, I actually keep up talking about how wonderful his little sister is and how lucky we are to have her in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never, ever miss an opportunity to praise him (and her) for loving each other or being such a great big brother. Over the top. At least daily.

Yes. And do not lecture him on the importance of sibling relationships. That will make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never, ever miss an opportunity to praise him (and her) for loving each other or being such a great big brother. Over the top. At least daily.

Why should they be encouraged to like or love each other ? Why is that important to people. You wanted 2, they don't want or need each other. They are here because you make them, they have no choice. But they can choose to love or not love anyone. That is a basic human right.