Extreme emotional meltdown of 7 year old over very small things - self regulation problem?

[Anonymous]

Our 7 year old has always responded passionately to circumstances that upset him, but now that he's almost 8 it is starting to be troubling. When he loses a game or sport, and especially when he thinks someone cheated (which he seems to reflexively assume every time something doesn't go his way), he can't control himself and he just gets very angry and eventually melts down crying. Like REALLY melts down. The fact that what happened is "not fair" is something he just can't get beyond. My gut tells me that this is what people are talking about when they say a child has difficulty self-regulating, but I'm just not sure. It doesn't get in the way most of the time, but when it happens it really takes my breath away. There's not a lot of other problems in the mix. Has anyone else had this and is it the type of behavior we should be addressing through a psychologist? It seems very off, but we're not sure where to begin in terms of getting it under control. Does anyone have guidance?

[Anonymous]

My child is similar (different triggers, but also gets really, really upset over seemingly small problems and has a hair-trigger temper). At school, they did a lot of talking about big problem/little problem, which teachers claimed was successful in the classroom, but didn't work for us at home. At home, the only thing that has helped (not made it perfect, but helped) was medicating for ADHD. The doctor described emotional dysregulation as an impulse control issue, which explains why it works. We also tried a tiny dose of an SSRI in case the dysregulation was connected to anxiety, but that made less of a difference than the ADHD meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is similar (different triggers, but also gets really, really upset over seemingly small problems and has a hair-trigger temper). At school, they did a lot of talking about big problem/little problem, which teachers claimed was successful in the classroom, but didn't work for us at home. At home, the only thing that has helped (not made it perfect, but helped) was medicating for ADHD. The doctor described emotional dysregulation as an impulse control issue, which explains why it works. We also tried a tiny dose of an SSRI in case the dysregulation was connected to anxiety, but that made less of a difference than the ADHD meds.

did you decide to medicate after consulting with your pediatrician, or did you go to a pediatric psychologist/psychiatrist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan?

[Anonymous]

This behavior in my DS was due to anxiety. Feeling always on the edges makes the little things seem like big things. Therapy helped a lot. (He was later also diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and some language processing issues, which were not really evident until older grades in school, but I'm sure also played a part in the anxiety/feeling out of control.)

[Anonymous]

When DC is CALM, we practice scenarios that can make DC have a meltdown. We talk about it, practice with puppets, practice strategies to help calm down. We also contrive the situations at home and right before DC got anxious, I would say "Now, this is when you should pause and (walk away or drink water or ask for a break or tell that person how you feel, etc)." The key when DC is having a meltdown is to stay calm and try to coach DC to calm down.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like rigidity related to anxiety. It doesn't necessarily mean it's clinical-- if it were me, I would try therapy first--especially as you say that there aren't other issues.

Yes, you might discover through the process that it is ADHD, but I wouldn't conclude that without a full neuropsych if it becomes necessary.

My DS10 has ADHD but there were more symptoms than emotional self regulation. The ADHD became extremely apparent around the second grade when he moved out of the bell curve for social issues and distractibility in school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When DC is CALM, we practice scenarios that can make DC have a meltdown. We talk about it, practice with puppets, practice strategies to help calm down. We also contrive the situations at home and right before DC got anxious, I would say "Now, this is when you should pause and (walk away or drink water or ask for a break or tell that person how you feel, etc)." The key when DC is having a meltdown is to stay calm and try to coach DC to calm down.

OP here. We've been trying this and it is just so hard. He gets so swept up in his emotions and he just loses it, but when it comes to an end it's like he's exiting a trance and he will softly apologize of make an overture to me that shows he's back to his old self. When we discuss it afterwards he is very level-headed about it and we discuss strategies, but we have had very little success getting him to apply those strategies in real life. He also doesn't like talking about what happened, I assume because he's embarassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like rigidity related to anxiety. It doesn't necessarily mean it's clinical-- if it were me, I would try therapy first--especially as you say that there aren't other issues.

Yes, you might discover through the process that it is ADHD, but I wouldn't conclude that without a full neuropsych if it becomes necessary.

My DS10 has ADHD but there were more symptoms than emotional self regulation. The ADHD became extremely apparent around the second grade when he moved out of the bell curve for social issues and distractibility in school

Any recommendations for therapists? We're in northern virginia....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like rigidity related to anxiety. It doesn't necessarily mean it's clinical-- if it were me, I would try therapy first--especially as you say that there aren't other issues.

Yes, you might discover through the process that it is ADHD, but I wouldn't conclude that without a full neuropsych if it becomes necessary.

My DS10 has ADHD but there were more symptoms than emotional self regulation. The ADHD became extremely apparent around the second grade when he moved out of the bell curve for social issues and distractibility in school

Yes, this. In my DS this is part of his mental rigidity and black/white thinking alongside anxiety. He completely dropped an activity he liked because he interpreted something an adult did as cheating (it wasn't, but no amount of arguing will convince DS). Does your DC also have a hard time with sarcasm, turns of phrase, or jokes that aren't literal? Or when there's a last minute change of plans? My DS has ADHD and anxiety and is scheduled for an evaluation for ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is similar (different triggers, but also gets really, really upset over seemingly small problems and has a hair-trigger temper). At school, they did a lot of talking about big problem/little problem, which teachers claimed was successful in the classroom, but didn't work for us at home. At home, the only thing that has helped (not made it perfect, but helped) was medicating for ADHD. The doctor described emotional dysregulation as an impulse control issue, which explains why it works. We also tried a tiny dose of an SSRI in case the dysregulation was connected to anxiety, but that made less of a difference than the ADHD meds.

did you decide to medicate after consulting with your pediatrician, or did you go to a pediatric psychologist/psychiatrist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan?

We first got diagnosis following neuropsych eval. We then went to developmental pediatrician to discuss symptom management. General pediatrician does not have any thoughts/experience on these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When DC is CALM, we practice scenarios that can make DC have a meltdown. We talk about it, practice with puppets, practice strategies to help calm down. We also contrive the situations at home and right before DC got anxious, I would say "Now, this is when you should pause and (walk away or drink water or ask for a break or tell that person how you feel, etc)." The key when DC is having a meltdown is to stay calm and try to coach DC to calm down.

OP here. We've been trying this and it is just so hard. He gets so swept up in his emotions and he just loses it, but when it comes to an end it's like he's exiting a trance and he will softly apologize of make an overture to me that shows he's back to his old self. When we discuss it afterwards he is very level-headed about it and we discuss strategies, but we have had very little success getting him to apply those strategies in real life. He also doesn't like talking about what happened, I assume because he's embarassed.

Ross Greene calls that vapor lock. He has a good website and The Explosive Child (his first book) really helped us a lot as well.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm linking this discussion from the ES forum for a very similar sounding child:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/605014.page

It had some good resources.

If you are in VA, I would seek out Dr. Hackney's parenting classes for you. If you feel like you need more help, I would call SN schools in your area--like Auburn, Newtwon, Oakwood, Commonwealth and ask for psychologist recommendations. (They see this all the time and probably a 1,000x magnified, so they're used to referring parents.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This behavior in my DS was due to anxiety. Feeling always on the edges makes the little things seem like big things. Therapy helped a lot. (He was later also diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and some language processing issues, which were not really evident until older grades in school, but I'm sure also played a part in the anxiety/feeling out of control.)

My anxiety-prone kid is this way too.

[Anonymous]

If you can't handle loosing, don't play the game. I would drop all sports and get rid of all games,, gaming systems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can't handle loosing, don't play the game. I would drop all sports and get rid of all games,, gaming systems.

How is that going to help the kid practice emotional regulation and sportsmanship?

Try practicing at home with quick turnaround games like Uno and Spot It. If he starts down the path of a meltdown, calmly say, "I can't play with you if you throw a fit." If he continues, calmly put the game away and pull it out again another time. Effusively praise good sportsmanship. When my DS was younger we scripted things he could say like, "Good game. Would you like to play again?" that he could use if he lost. I always made sure we ended a session with him winning.

Battleship is another one. It takes longer but each hit and/or sinking is a chance to practice emotional regulation and kids that age seem to really like the game.

You can also talk about losing being a chance to get better at whatever it is. People who are really good at something have put a lot of time into practicing and have probably lost a lot of games to get where they are. Maybe if there's a particular sport and team he likes, he can look at their win/loss records and watch how the team handles losing.