How to navigate changing mother-daughter relationship

[Anonymous]

My mom and I were pretty close growing up. Her and my dad worked very hard, always put me first and I know love me very much. I am very lucky in that regard.

However, over the past few years I have changed a lot - I am a lot more compassionate, less negative, etc. I realized not a go with the flow person and carried around a lot of anger and resentment towards most things. And, I definitely think it was a product of my upbringing. My mom is a pick yourself up, and stop whining person. She also tends to negative about little things (like if someone does something stupid and small, they are stupid mother f*ckers). It could be anything, from protestors to someone not getting out of a parking spot correctly. It is hard to be around now. I also have been sharing less about my life. There have been moments where I want a 'man, that sucks' and that is not the response I get. One example, found out my BF at the time was taking a job that wasn't good for our relationship (like not in the same country). Her response when I was crying was 'it is probably a great career move'. The other week, my dog and I had a very close encounter with an aggressive dog (like his owner was on the ground barely holding on to the leash) - all I needed was a 'wow, must have been scary to have a 100 dog trying to chase you down the street'
What I got - most dog owners are stupid and how she is very careful with our family dog.

Has anyone been through this - you changed drastically and your parent didn't? How did you handle it?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried *talking* about this with your mother?

[Anonymous]

I have tried talking to her about how talking and acting more positive has lead to being a lighter and happier person - I got told it was 'stupid and whatever'.

[Anonymous]

Yep. I handled it by mourning the relationship I wish I had with her, and getting the "wow, that sucks" and "holy crap you must have been so scared on that dog walk" validations from friends.

That was when I moved away from the family I came from and towards the family I chose.

[Anonymous]

You need a friend for that, clearly your mom is not that kind of mom. If we were to follow antiquated gender roles, she is more like a old fashioned male. My mom is also not a "should to cry on" kind of person, and I was that for my younger sister, while I developed the same attitude as your mom in many ways. Do you have friends? Don't think you will change her now, you won't, try to maintain a relationship that you have. My mom will go criticizing even without me telling her something in the first place, so while I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on, I don't do that, it would be nice if she could ever just listen to something I have to say without it becoming a weapon. At least your mom doesn't use it to blame you non stop for something, like mine does. I don't tell her much about much, and she has now turned the tables and accuses me of being emotionally distant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. I handled it by mourning the relationship I wish I had with her, and getting the "wow, that sucks" and "holy crap you must have been so scared on that dog walk" validations from friends.

That was when I moved away from the family I came from and towards the family I chose.

+1 It was very sad when I grew up and recognized just how negative my mother is, but I feel like it's part of life. I have learned to try to focus on the good things about our relationship and to try to adjust my expectations to not be disappointed by the fact that she is who she is.