IM JUST TIRED... Can't take care of my mother anymore. Advice ?

[Anonymous]

Long story short: I am 25, been taking care of my for the past 7 years with my now $33k salary and she gets about $8k from SS. Because of her past drug usage and her current medical issue of having a colostomy bag, family members refuse to let her stay with them. I am a weekday live-in nanny and come home on weekends. I have been offered to just stay at "work" on weekends if I'd like to (I have my own suite there). Life isn't fair, but I'm at a crossroads where I'm just done taking care of my mom and I'm tired of having to work weekends to make ends meet. I don't go out, I don't eat out, don't drink coffee so no Starbucks BILL so any advice on saving $, I've been there, done that. No, my mom can't work not even part time but she's able to at least clean up behind herself. I come home Fridays to a filthy, smell filled apartment, dirty clothes in the ONLY bathroom sink soaking of poop, junky living room, kitchen sink pilled up high. I spend Friday nights or Saturday morning cleaning just so the place can look decent while she's asleep. I've talked with her and it's always, I'll do it later.. I don't feel good, I'm tired (from doing nothing). It's to the point where If I'm not working on the weekends, I find other places to stay because of how lazy she is and dirty she keeps the place. I'm just tired of working to take care of someone when I can save roughly $800/mo to speed up payments of student loans, car note or even take a trip somewhere (I've never been out of the USA let along off the east coast ) IDC if I sound selfish, I'm just ready to finally live my life. I am curious how someone who may have been in a similar situation handled it. Thanks !

PS: No, I don't know where she'll stay if I decide to end my current lease.

I wasn't aware I posted in the relationship section, I think this section is far more appropriate.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to a social worker. How old is your mother? If you are only 25, she is probably too young to contact Council on Aging. You may have to allow her to become homeless to be able for you to access the services she needs. Her issues are to big for you to handle on your own. A therapist may be able to help you decide on and set the boundaries you need to learn how to make with your mother too.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. No judgement here. I'd ditch her. Sure sounds like a jerk and a user.

[Anonymous]

How about a nursing home? She must qualify for Medicaid. My wife is a nursing home administrator. It seems as if the current trend is to institutionalize people like your mom in nursing homes. Don't know of any other alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Even if she isn't technically a senior citizen, there are plenty of resources here:

http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to a social worker. How old is your mother? If you are only 25, she is probably too young to contact Council on Aging. You may have to allow her to become homeless to be able for you to access the services she needs. Her issues are to big for you to handle on your own. A therapist may be able to help you decide on and set the boundaries you need to learn how to make with your mother too.

She is 52.

[Anonymous]

Clients with colostomies are almost always exceedingly neat, more so even than people who haven't had the surgery. If she is as messy and disgusting as you say, involves social worker and get her some help. She needs to be placed in a home where she can learn more self-sufficiency and be supported. 52 is both way too young and way too old to be acting like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if she isn't technically a senior citizen, there are plenty of resources here:

http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx

Great resource ! I will look around on their site and see what comes up. As someone said, she may have to become homeless before she receives any real help in DC. I figure if I can give her a 3-4 month notice, she should have received assistance by Spring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clients with colostomies are almost always exceedingly neat, more so even than people who haven't had the surgery. If she is as messy and disgusting as you say, involves social worker and get her some help. She needs to be placed in a home where she can learn more self-sufficiency and be supported. 52 is both way too young and way too old to be acting like this.

She has an aid who comes out twice a week to help. She can walk, so she isn't bound to a wheelchair. This is literally a case of pure laziness, and me being far too "chill" because I'm the only one in our family who hasn't turned their back on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clients with colostomies are almost always exceedingly neat, more so even than people who haven't had the surgery. If she is as messy and disgusting as you say, involves social worker and get her some help. She needs to be placed in a home where she can learn more self-sufficiency and be supported. 52 is both way too young and way too old to be acting like this.

She has an aid who comes out twice a week to help. She can walk, so she isn't bound to a wheelchair. This is literally a case of pure laziness, and me being far too "chill" because I'm the only one in our family who hasn't turned their back on her.

I'd give her the come to jebuz talk and put her on notice. Then stand behind what you say and have a moveout date.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. You sound like a great daughter and a hard worker. It's completely understandable that you'd be tired. You've done what you can, and now it's time to find a way out of this situation. PPs have given you good suggestions. You can find a way to get good care for your mom, so you don't need to feel guilty, and at the same time, get yourself some freedom and some extra money so you can do what you want with your life. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a relationship with a physician? Given her behavior and history she may be suffering from depression and/or anxiety, and she should be screened. Treatment could help, though she'll still be faced with the problem of where to live.

That said, I agree with other PP's who've said it's time to live your own life!

[Anonymous]

Who pays for the twice a week aide? Medicaid? Or you?
Agree with suggestion to see a social worker sooner rather than later. This sounds like crisis to me. If you are in Montgomery County look to the Dept of Health and Human Services website for assistance.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You sound wonderful but I agree that she needs more care than you can give at the moment.

[Anonymous]

You are not selfish. She is selfish. The advice here is good. Involve the services of social workers and take yourself off the hook. Your instinct is right: you should be living your own life. Her life is what she is making of it. It is a tough thing to realize in life when loved ones are this selfish and using. She is like a somebody who refuses to swim and drags you down too.