urrgh! I hate this woman

[Anonymous]

OP here, I appreciate the fact that everyone is trying to help and offer advice with the limited background info that I have given here. A lot of the suggestions you have offered are ideal for some situations or in an ideal world which clearly I am not part of. We have a "don't ask don't tell" unspoken policy regarding our "family business" and with that said, I have never made up stories to make it look like my parents are happily married, the same way I have never offered to tell them they are not. My in-laws know that my mom runs businesses in a few towns and she is "usually" not in our family home (thanks God for women empowerment).

Both of my parent's should be able to join the rest of the family if there is a function to welcome my inlaws because separated or not, they are both my living parents. If my mom is not there is just no point.

My brother's wife is getting involved because I had reached out to her for advice on how to handle the situation and to also help me with coordination because I needed someone who not only knows the situation at home, but also someone who can be a little impartial.

I am sure everyone who comes from a broken home always wishes things were different. God bless you who have a perfect family that has it all together, or feels no shame or worry about being judged by society

[Anonymous]

I would just take a back seat to the whole thing and let the chips fall where they may. Let your SIL arrange for a meeting, let your mother hem and haw about meeting your in-laws. Either it will happen or it won't. If your in-laws ask you why they didn't get to meet your mother just say you live in America and couldn't arrange for it from a distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just take a back seat to the whole thing and let the chips fall where they may. Let your SIL arrange for a meeting, let your mother hem and haw about meeting your in-laws. Either it will happen or it won't. If your in-laws ask you why they didn't get to meet your mother just say you live in America and couldn't arrange for it from a distance.

PP here. Either way you will probably get blamed for something, so just try not to stress out about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I appreciate the fact that everyone is trying to help and offer advice with the limited background info that I have given here. A lot of the suggestions you have offered are ideal for some situations or in an ideal world which clearly I am not part of. We have a "don't ask don't tell" unspoken policy regarding our "family business" and with that said, I have never made up stories to make it look like my parents are happily married, the same way I have never offered to tell them they are not. My in-laws know that my mom runs businesses in a few towns and she is "usually" not in our family home (thanks God for women empowerment).

Both of my parent's should be able to join the rest of the family if there is a function to welcome my inlaws because separated or not, they are both my living parents. If my mom is not there is just no point.

My brother's wife is getting involved because I had reached out to her for advice on how to handle the situation and to also help me with coordination because I needed someone who not only knows the situation at home, but also someone who can be a little impartial.

I am sure everyone who comes from a broken home always wishes things were different. God bless you who have a perfect family that has it all together, or feels no shame or worry about being judged by society

A broken home? It sounds like your parents separated when you were an adult, married and living in another country. If your siblings were able to buy your mother a house then they too were adults with jobs. I really don't think that counts as a broken home. My parents divorced when I was an adult. I don't consider my home broken, because it was their home, not mine, at that point. And no, I don't wish things were different since both my parents are much happier now, just as yours are. I certainly don't feel that society is judging ME, because my parents chose to get divorced. I had nothing to do with it.

Your "culture" is obviously different, but you really need to get some perspective and start standing up for yourself. I don't care which misogynistic culture you come from, you can put an end to it for your current family.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to get into the pluses and minuses of divorce. If they ask about visiting your parents, you say, "My mother can be reached at _______. My father now lives at _________." If they ask about what happened, you say they've decided it is best for both of them to live apart. Done. It's only a problem if you make it one. There is a stigma associated with divorce in most cultures. Unless your inlaws are going to start stoning your parents or something idiotic like that, I don't understand why you're so worried. If they think less of your parents, that is their own problem.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I appreciate the fact that everyone is trying to help and offer advice with the limited background info that I have given here. A lot of the suggestions you have offered are ideal for some situations or in an ideal world which clearly I am not part of. We have a "don't ask don't tell" unspoken policy regarding our "family business" and with that said, I have never made up stories to make it look like my parents are happily married, the same way I have never offered to tell them they are not. My in-laws know that my mom runs businesses in a few towns and she is "usually" not in our family home (thanks God for women empowerment).

Both of my parent's should be able to join the rest of the family if there is a function to welcome my inlaws because separated or not, they are both my living parents. If my mom is not there is just no point.

My brother's wife is getting involved because I had reached out to her for advice on how to handle the situation and to also help me with coordination because I needed someone who not only knows the situation at home, but also someone who can be a little impartial.

I am sure everyone who comes from a broken home always wishes things were different. God bless you who have a perfect family that has it all together, or feels no shame or worry about being judged by society

A broken home? It sounds like your parents separated when you were an adult, married and living in another country. If your siblings were able to buy your mother a house then they too were adults with jobs. I really don't think that counts as a broken home. My parents divorced when I was an adult. I don't consider my home broken, because it was their home, not mine, at that point. And no, I don't wish things were different since both my parents are much happier now, just as yours are. I certainly don't feel that society is judging ME, because my parents chose to get divorced. I had nothing to do with it.

Your "culture" is obviously different, but you really need to get some perspective and start standing up for yourself. I don't care which misogynistic culture you come from, you can put an end to it for your current family.

Good for you PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I appreciate the fact that everyone is trying to help and offer advice with the limited background info that I have given here. A lot of the suggestions you have offered are ideal for some situations or in an ideal world which clearly I am not part of. We have a "don't ask don't tell" unspoken policy regarding our "family business" and with that said, I have never made up stories to make it look like my parents are happily married, the same way I have never offered to tell them they are not. My in-laws know that my mom runs businesses in a few towns and she is "usually" not in our family home (thanks God for women empowerment).

Both of my parent's should be able to join the rest of the family if there is a function to welcome my inlaws because separated or not, they are both my living parents. If my mom is not there is just no point.

My brother's wife is getting involved because I had reached out to her for advice on how to handle the situation and to also help me with coordination because I needed someone who not only knows the situation at home, but also someone who can be a little impartial.

I am sure everyone who comes from a broken home always wishes things were different. God bless you who have a perfect family that has it all together, or feels no shame or worry about being judged by society

A broken home? It sounds like your parents separated when you were an adult, married and living in another country. If your siblings were able to buy your mother a house then they too were adults with jobs. I really don't think that counts as a broken home. My parents divorced when I was an adult. I don't consider my home broken, because it was their home, not mine, at that point. And no, I don't wish things were different since both my parents are much happier now, just as yours are. I certainly don't feel that society is judging ME, because my parents chose to get divorced. I had nothing to do with it.

Your "culture" is obviously different, but you really need to get some perspective and start standing up for yourself. I don't care which misogynistic culture you come from, you can put an end to it for your current family.

Parents do NOT have to be divorced for a home to be "broken". I would say witnessing abuse from your father to your mother would constitute as broken.

[Anonymous]

Nope, sorry. My head hurts just reading that soap opera. From the gist of it, your Mom has been asked to lie about remaining with an abusive husband? That's effed up.

[Anonymous]

I am still mad at my sister no matter how much this has been turned to "reasons to come out of the closet" and what not. The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to call my parents only to realize my sister took advantage of the time difference. It's my inlaws to deal with not hers. My rant is about my sister and I feel far much better Even if my parents were together, I would still have been upset if her busybody had told my parents that my inlaws were in town before I did. I can't say I feel love for her.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I get it. In your culture your brother's wife would not have gotten involved with your ILs - because it concerns the daughter of the house and the parents would have managed it. However, there is some entertainment value in it for her because it is not her parents who got divorced and her ILs who will be shocked about it and perhaps in someway she resents that you are living in America and have a better standard of living. OR - it could be that she thought she is genuinely helping. Your reaction however tells me that you do not believe that.

Tell your mom that it is a one time thing and that she should help you out. Tell her that your ILs will think poorly of you if it comes out that your parents are divorced/separated etc. But, if that is not possible then there is no other alternative except for your ILs to meet only your father and other relatives and explain that your mother is in another town etc.

To become angry with your SIL does not solve anything because you may need her goodwill and expertise in playing hostess in your mother's absence. Besides, you really do not know why she did what she did. Escalating this will estrange you with your brother as well. Why add more drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am still mad at my sister no matter how much this has been turned to "reasons to come out of the closet" and what not. The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to call my parents only to realize my sister took advantage of the time difference. It's my inlaws to deal with not hers. My rant is about my sister and I feel far much better Even if my parents were together, I would still have been upset if her busybody had told my parents that my inlaws were in town before I did. I can't say I feel love for her.

Best to not tel her anything too important anymore. Some people just can't stop themselves from over sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am still mad at my sister no matter how much this has been turned to "reasons to come out of the closet" and what not. The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to call my parents only to realize my sister took advantage of the time difference. It's my inlaws to deal with not hers. My rant is about my sister and I feel far much better Even if my parents were together, I would still have been upset if her busybody had told my parents that my inlaws were in town before I did. I can't say I feel love for her.

You can be mad at your sister all you want. It doesn't mean you are right or that your anger is justified.
So you sister told something that was going to be told soon anyway. Now what? Focus on next steps OP, this stewing isn't helping anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I get it. In your culture your brother's wife would not have gotten involved with your ILs - because it concerns the daughter of the house and the parents would have managed it. However, there is some entertainment value in it for her because it is not her parents who got divorced and her ILs who will be shocked about it and perhaps in someway she resents that you are living in America and have a better standard of living. OR - it could be that she thought she is genuinely helping. Your reaction however tells me that you do not believe that.

Tell your mom that it is a one time thing and that she should help you out. Tell her that your ILs will think poorly of you if it comes out that your parents are divorced/separated etc. But, if that is not possible then there is no other alternative except for your ILs to meet only your father and other relatives and explain that your mother is in another town etc.

To become angry with your SIL does not solve anything because you may need her goodwill and expertise in playing hostess in your mother's absence. Besides, you really do not know why she did what she did. Escalating this will estrange you with your brother as well. Why add more drama?

I believe it was her sister, not her SIL, that spilled the beans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still mad at my sister no matter how much this has been turned to "reasons to come out of the closet" and what not. The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was to call my parents only to realize my sister took advantage of the time difference. It's my inlaws to deal with not hers. My rant is about my sister and I feel far much better Even if my parents were together, I would still have been upset if her busybody had told my parents that my inlaws were in town before I did. I can't say I feel love for her.

You can be mad at your sister all you want. It doesn't mean you are right or that your anger is justified.
So you sister told something that was going to be told soon anyway. Now what? Focus on next steps OP, this stewing isn't helping anything.

+1

I feel like you're upset about an awkward situation and unnecessarily pinning the blame on your sister. You need to get some perspective and handle this. Or just back off and let other people deal with this. You're too far to really need to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Also, "I can't feel love for her"? Seriously!?

I feel like you're actually unnecessarily making a difficult/awkward exchange something much worse by all the drama and tension you're creating by being upset about this and taking it all so personally.