Teach me how to be joyful with inlaws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have Thanksgiving at your own home if it makes you so miserable. But I don't get people who complain about this. Did you not realize you'd have to deal with your hubby's family when you married him? Your in laws aren't married to you so I wouldn't expect them to change their traditions. Stay at home sometimes with your hubby and make your own. I'm sure your own kids spouses make some day think some of your traditions are weird as well.

Horrible MIL in the making.

Sorry but I married my DH because I was madly in love with everything about him. No one marries their spouse for the in laws.

[Anonymous]

OP, "joyful" might be too high a bar.

We go spend Thanksgiving with my DH's family every year. I won't go into all the reasons but it does make sense. My family (divorced parents) does a very, very low-key Thanksgiving which is what I greatly prefer, having grown up with it. DH's family packs in together, it's loud, there have been arguments over politics and religion, and it's generally not my favorite, plus it involves a nightmare drive.

But, I've adjusted. For one thing, the family member that hosts is getting older and she won't do it forever. Also, it's a day--or really, for us, like 5-6 hours. I can put on a good face. I try to focus on what I do like--there are some members of his family I really enjoy getting to see, so I chat with them. I take the kids out for a walk and some fresh air. I focus on the fact that of all the holidays in the year this is one that feels really special and important for my non-religious DH, and that it is a nice tradition for my kids.

FWIW I'm a recovering alcoholic so I don't have the option of drinking to make it more fun or easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have Thanksgiving at your own home if it makes you so miserable. But I don't get people who complain about this. Did you not realize you'd have to deal with your hubby's family when you married him? Your in laws aren't married to you so I wouldn't expect them to change their traditions. Stay at home sometimes with your hubby and make your own. I'm sure your own kids spouses make some day think some of your traditions are weird as well.

Horrible MIL in the making.

Sorry but I married my DH because I was madly in love with everything about him. No one marries their spouse for the in laws.

+1 No kidding. How ridiculous would that be? Different poster here.

Here's the thing OP: the IL's *should* be gracious and trying just a little. There are more of them than you, they are older (MIL), and they should be *welcoming* you. They should not be making you feel homesick and alienated. I am in the second camp. My IL's do everything they can to be insular and nasty. That is the thanks we get for all the years we helped them.

Point is, you are not alone. IL's who are like this are dysfunctional and have too many problems for you to handle alone. I say invite some friends and make your own holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have Thanksgiving at your own home if it makes you so miserable. But I don't get people who complain about this. Did you not realize you'd have to deal with your hubby's family when you married him? Your in laws aren't married to you so I wouldn't expect them to change their traditions. Stay at home sometimes with your hubby and make your own. I'm sure your own kids spouses make some day think some of your traditions are weird as well.

Horrible MIL in the making.

Sorry but I married my DH because I was madly in love with everything about him. No one marries their spouse for the in laws.

I'm sorry but only a truly naive person thinks when they marry they aren't also marrying the family. No you don't spend every day with them, but you will have to deal with them especially if you live nearby.

I laugh at people who complain non stop about their in laws. Most of you knew full well what you were getting yourself into.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had some of these feelings, although our issue was Christmas. After a couple years of being sad at my in-law's house, I just insisted on doing the holiday at our house, saying we want to start our own family traditions and inviting everyone to come. It's worked great! And if they won't come to you (my in-laws often don't), that's fine, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer to bring wine for the whole gathering. Include a bottle or two of white zinfandel and MANY bottles of whatever you like. When you arrive, open all of them and every time you walk by them, top off your glass.

This is what I do at my in-laws. I also stash extra bottle in the car that are the exact same kind so I can replace the ones I empty without my MIL knowing exactly how much I'm drinking. Works like a charm. Anytime she's in the living room, I sneak into the kitchen and refill my glass, hang out for a bit and drink it back down, then go back out to the living room.

God, I sound like an alcoholic. But I swear, it helps SO MUCH getting through the day if I can have my wine. Who cares what else happens, wheee!

Alternate idea: flask in your purse, spike your drink in the bathroom. This one might really make you an alcoholic, so be careful, haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have had Thanksgiving with my in-laws for the past 17 years. My MIL plans out everything in advance (the table is most likely set already for next week), and every food is prepared before Thursday. This makes for a boring Thanksgiving day that has no bonding over the preparation of food, which I find to be enjoyable. Over the last few years, my sister-in-law and I have planned in advance with our mother-in-law to make desserts with the kids on Thursday morning. We told her we want to help and that the kids enjoy baking. The morning turns out to be a pajama baking fest with the parade on in the background and is now one of my favorite traditions for a holiday that was so automated for so many years. I think what worked was discussing in advance that we desire the shared experiences of cooking.

As for the wine, my in-laws only buy sparkling white wine. My sister-in-law and I bring at least two bottles each, and we put them on the table at meal time. My advice is to insist on your wine. Life is too short to drink crappy wine.

We appeal to our husbands (they are brothers) to talk to their parents about incorporating new things into the holiday, but they are a quiet and passive bunch, and I it is not a battle I choose to have him fight (if that is the correct characterization). My sister-in-law and I found solidarity in each other and made our little inroads. If you are able to find a like-minded family member, perhaps you can achieve your own little sparks of joy around the holiday and at the very least have someone with whom you can vent.

Good luck!

What is up with people cooking Thanksgiving in advance??? Why? The hustle of cooking is the biggest joy on Thanksgiving to me. My MIL cuts the turkey days in advance and reheats it in the oven that morning. I really miss my dad standing over the table at Thanksgiving and carving the turkey.

Agree. Its like having leftovers ON Thanksgiving, instead of the day after.

[Anonymous]

Bring your own bottle (or two) of red and open it yourself. Drink as needed. That's what I do. It makes the stupid and offensive comments roll away easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your in-laws always get Thanksgiving, your family should always get Christmas. That's what we do -- I'm Jewish, DH is Christian, his family always gets Christmas, so we spend our Thanksgivings with my family.

And I'd try to get your DH on board with at least making room for you: "DH, I know how much you love spending T-day with your family, but it's so different from what I'm used to that I feel like an outsider. Can you guys make a little room for my traditions -- can you ask your MIL to let me bring a dish to serve during Thanksgiving dinner and/or some wine to share?"

This is total bullshit. My in laws try and pull this. They are Jewish I am not. THEY DONT HAVE XMAS TRADITIONS. My husband doesn't miss out in anything by spending Christmas with my family. Yet every year my kids and I miss out on celebrating thanksgiving the way I always did growing up (much more formal and joyful occasion than my inlaws version).

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I'm sorry OP. You need to start swapping holidays every year - Thanksgiving with your family one year, with in-laws the next year. And if they wont' come to your house, then just have your own thanksgiving by yourself. They sound TERRIBLE.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the comments, but maybe next year, for once, you fly to your folks Wed night and home late Thurs or red-eye Fri? If, say, they're in Chicago or Raleigh this is an easy trip. Like a short business trip! Your DH stays here.