Diagnose my sister. What is going on?

[Anonymous]

OP here, wow honestly this is very helpful. I’ve been moved by the idea of “moving the goal posts” and the autism suggestion which rings true. For example, she has a pretty strong personality and we fit well together, but sometimes her social skills fall flat in a way I can’t put my finger on. Nothing I’d ever considered but w the rest of the context it’s something to mull.

She is medicated for depression and goes to a therapist. This actually furthers my worry that I should talk to her bc I have been waiting for things to shift knowing she’s been seeking help, but seems like no dice. We’re on like year two or three at this level of functionality.

[Anonymous]

My thin teen only wears stretchy clothes too, but it's because stretchy clothes are in style. Is it even possible to buy nonstretch pants now?

Are you positive she didn't shower while she was visiting you?

My sister and I have different beauty styles. She probably secretly judges my lack of makeup while I secretly judge her obsession with makeup and vanity. Are you sure your sister's beauty choices are well outside of normal? I know more women that don't wear makeup than do, but that's common where I live. I have lived in areas where it would be uncommon. Does your sister's style match the area she lives?

If your sister doesn't have a lot of money it sounds like she is being financially responsible by shopping at thrift stores. People shop at thrift stores for a variety of reasons besides financial hardship. Would you judge me for wearing a designer dress I bought on Poshmark?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is 35-year-old and single and living in a major city that’s not Washington DC. Her behavior or the last few years I have felt so confused by and I’m hoping someone can help me get to clarity. I’m gonna try this pretty fact base but with some color because I am her sister.

1) she does not take care of her physical body. She doesn’t shower regularly, she doesn’t brush her hair, and she is very overweight. She stayed with us for a week and did not shower. She also doesn’t wear make up or color or hair, and generally thrifts and wears stretchy clothes. She just fundamentally does not take care of her physical body and appearance in a way that would match social norms.

2) she has an app that “rewards” her for getting things done, like washing her face. So she is obviously having a hard time doing these things.

3) she sleeps about 12 hours a night and then three hours a day. She says she has chronic fatigue.

4) she has been laid off from her last two jobs over the last three years, although she’s an engineer in tech and I work in the same space generally so that’s not necessarily a flag, but it could be.

5) when she is awake and hanging out, she is happy, bright eyed, quick to laugh, totally plugged in and lovely to be around. She talks a lot about her friends, seems to throw dinner parties somewhat regularly, and has two or three clubs she is involved with, including dedicating about 10 hours a week to a food pantry every week. She is dying to date, but never gets second dates for reasons that I would assume have to do with bullet number one.

I am deeply concerned about topics one through four but then in the end she seems like she’s OK? But the fact that she can’t take care of herself is actually putting a bit of a wedge between us. She wants to go on trips and stuff and I just don’t wanna spends many days with a woman who has BO and it’s kind of a wreck.

What the heck is going on here? Every time I “know” it’s depression or something along those lines, something that I’ve seen before, she pops up, living her life, brightly and happily, but this cannot be OK, right?

She’s either a very depressed woman or a completely normal guy.

[Anonymous]

Hey there-I am a psych NP and I would be curious about an ADHD or ASD diagnosis for your sister. Cleanliness or "acts of daily living", particularly those that are non-preferred (showering, changing clothes, brushing teeth), etc maybe difficult for her. Additionally, transitions can be hard for people either on the spectrum or with ASD. I have encountered many patients that were diagnosed later in life as ASD and ADHD show up differently than others. I would suggest a full neuropsychological evaluation. The biggest thing...love and acceptance. If you sister is indeed ASD and/or ADHD, you cannot have the same expectations you would for a neurotypical person. She's just not wired the same.

[Anonymous]

You are described several women I know. All have ADHD/ASD.
They are very high masking if they need to be, but it gets more obvious with time that something is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has an overbearing sister who gossips about her.

This is the OP. I’m gonna be honest —I’m very open to the feedback. If I really came to the conclusion that this was none of my business I would feel a lot better because I don’t really actually care about anyone’s shower schedule. But every time I take that position in my own head, I think no, this is not right. I’m not sure she’s OK at all.

OP, you sound sincerely concerned with your heart in the right place. I find that there is always someone on DCUM ready to put fault back on the OP, no matter what.

I agree with the PP that said take your sister to coffee and ask how she is and then just listen. I think you might need/want to do this a few times and have her open enough so you can recommend she see someone. Depression and maybe ADHD sound about right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say depression, but I had a roomate in college who had schizophrenia who was also like this. My sibling has it too, but it manifests a bit differently. He’s not best and tidy but showers, etc.

I know adhd / asd men and women like this.

[Anonymous]

I can't read 5 pages of this thread, so sorry if this has already been said (100 percent certain it has been) but she is depressed. What were your childhoods like? I grew up in a abusive home. My sister is much like yours. She's been through some really, really low years. When I look at pictures of myself as a young adult, I can't believe how unkempt I look. No one said anything to me (or to her). It was all very much "WTF is wrong with you two?" No one ever said, "You seem to be struggling."

Anyway, my sister still has bouts of looking like a homeless person every once in a while, not wanting to wash or brush her hair and sleeping way more than a normal person would. I try to remind myself to feel sympathy for her when she looks like that. Life can be hard for people when they never get a chance to recover or catch their breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister is 35-year-old and single and living in a major city that’s not Washington DC. Her behavior or the last few years I have felt so confused by and I’m hoping someone can help me get to clarity. I’m gonna try this pretty fact base but with some color because I am her sister.

1) she does not take care of her physical body. She doesn’t shower regularly, she doesn’t brush her hair, and she is very overweight. She stayed with us for a week and did not shower. She also doesn’t wear make up or color or hair, and generally thrifts and wears stretchy clothes. She just fundamentally does not take care of her physical body and appearance in a way that would match social norms.

2) she has an app that “rewards” her for getting things done, like washing her face. So she is obviously having a hard time doing these things.

3) she sleeps about 12 hours a night and then three hours a day. She says she has chronic fatigue.

4) she has been laid off from her last two jobs over the last three years, although she’s an engineer in tech and I work in the same space generally so that’s not necessarily a flag, but it could be.

5) when she is awake and hanging out, she is happy, bright eyed, quick to laugh, totally plugged in and lovely to be around. She talks a lot about her friends, seems to throw dinner parties somewhat regularly, and has two or three clubs she is involved with, including dedicating about 10 hours a week to a food pantry every week. She is dying to date, but never gets second dates for reasons that I would assume have to do with bullet number one.

I am deeply concerned about topics one through four but then in the end she seems like she’s OK? But the fact that she can’t take care of herself is actually putting a bit of a wedge between us. She wants to go on trips and stuff and I just don’t wanna spends many days with a woman who has BO and it’s kind of a wreck.

What the heck is going on here? Every time I “know” it’s depression or something along those lines, something that I’ve seen before, she pops up, living her life, brightly and happily, but this cannot be OK, right?

She’s either a very depressed woman or a completely normal guy.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Clearly you don't listen to her. She said she has CFS and you're on here asking what she needs. I have a sister like you (and no I don't have CFS or other healthcare issue). OP, if you care about her, do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, wow honestly this is very helpful. I’ve been moved by the idea of “moving the goal posts” and the autism suggestion which rings true. For example, she has a pretty strong personality and we fit well together, but sometimes her social skills fall flat in a way I can’t put my finger on. Nothing I’d ever considered but w the rest of the context it’s something to mull.

She is medicated for depression and goes to a therapist. This actually furthers my worry that I should talk to her bc I have been waiting for things to shift knowing she’s been seeking help, but seems like no dice. We’re on like year two or three at this level of functionality.

I'm pp. Seriously stop. Just stop.

Be a sister, not a therapist. You really suck.

[Anonymous]

Depression. Classic case. Just look up symptoms.