How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?

[Anonymous]

Out of curiosity, why did she take a hair follicle test?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, why did she take a hair follicle test?

When she filed the case and before I was served her mom reached out and warned me about it. She encouraged me to ask for drug testing because she had just spent time with my ex that weekend and thought she was driving while under the influence of cannabis with our child in the car. Her mom’s a police officer of like 30 years so I took it seriously and mentioned it to my lawyer who asked for it immediately. We both took the test. But she had plenty of warning to get clean so she’d pass. Which is a good thing IMO but not helpful for my case obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, why did she take a hair follicle test?

When she filed the case and before I was served her mom reached out and warned me about it. She encouraged me to ask for drug testing because she had just spent time with my ex that weekend and thought she was driving while under the influence of cannabis with our child in the car. Her mom’s a police officer of like 30 years so I took it seriously and mentioned it to my lawyer who asked for it immediately. We both took the test. But she had plenty of warning to get clean so she’d pass. Which is a good thing IMO but not helpful for my case obviously.

You buried SEVERAL ledes here OP

I hope you win

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, of course I've only got your side of the story here, but based on what you've said -you are willing to do 50/50, you are not objecting to joint legal custody, you are providing insurance for the child. I think you're going to look good in front of the judge. The ex seems very contrary and judges generally don't like that, and there's also been a status quo of 50/50 so far and I don't think they'd want to change that either.

Agreed. I think Dad has a good chance of winning legal custody here. If the status quo has been equal parenting time and joint decision making, the judge will be annoyed that they're both wasting the court's time trying to change it for no good reason and is going to wonder why they weren't able to settle this quickly. IMO Dad needs to demonstrate clearly that A) he was the reasonable one willing to settle on joint custody in mediation, but Mom refused because of her unreasonable idea of right of first refusal. Then give Mom enough rope and she'll tank her own case.

[Anonymous]

It always goes to the mom

[Anonymous]

What happens if the grandmother submits that testimony about driving while high?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if the grandmother submits that testimony about driving while high?

It was just her opinion, it’s not evidence that the mom actually was high.

[Anonymous]

From my ignorant layperson perspective, this looks like a transparent attempt by the petitioning parent to be a bum and life off child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are some examples of the conflicting coparenting philosophies between the parents.

Mom thinks she should be able to take the child to birthdays, family events, etc during Dad’s parenting time if Dad is working and child would otherwise be spending time with other family, Dad’s girlfriend, at preschool, or other play dates etc arranged by Dad. Dad thinks that Mom should provide the information about the event and Dad can choose to facilitate the child’s attendance or decline the child attending.

Mom thinks she should have right of first refusal so that any time that the child is not with Dad she should be offered the time. This would mean the child transitioning between households several times a week due to Dad’s slightly unconventional work schedule making him unavailable for preschool pickup. Mom thinks it’s unfair that the girlfriend (who is now living with Dad and child) or the Dad’s parent does pickup when Mom is available and would love the extra time. Dad thinks the back and forth would be too disruptive to everyone.

Mom thinks that Mom, Dad, and girlfriend should all spend time together occasionally with the child to show that everyone is amicable and respectful. The child has requested this to Mom. Dad is not interested and insists that he only has a duty to be civil and polite during any brief face to face interactions. He continues to say no to these requests.

Is dad's girlfriend doing childcare when mom is available? If so that is weird.

Mom should have right of first refusal but dad has no obligation to spend time with mom socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how “right of first refusal works.” So every day dad would have to check in with mom to offer her pickup from preschool until he was off work? And if she passes/“refuses” then he has to scramble to get someone else to do it?

What if he decides to cut out of work early? Then he has to reach out to his ex again to say he doesn’t need childcare?

Child is never allowed to spend an afternoon hanging out with the dad’s fiancée until he gets home, just because mom wants that time? Child has to go back and forth between houses every single day??

Sounds deranged. Anyone who wants that level of involvement and control over their ex’s life and household has major issues. Cant tell you how to prove that to the court tho.

They would have to be grown ups, dad would have to give mom the work schedule as soon as it came out and mom would accept/decline whatever days and actually be reliable. If she is being this immature, I don't see how it would work out. Sounds like she's going to move into a chaotic living arrangement with mom. I have heard CPS frown on kids not having their own bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are some examples of the conflicting coparenting philosophies between the parents.

Mom thinks she should be able to take the child to birthdays, family events, etc during Dad’s parenting time if Dad is working and child would otherwise be spending time with other family, Dad’s girlfriend, at preschool, or other play dates etc arranged by Dad. Dad thinks that Mom should provide the information about the event and Dad can choose to facilitate the child’s attendance or decline the child attending.

Mom thinks she should have right of first refusal so that any time that the child is not with Dad she should be offered the time. This would mean the child transitioning between households several times a week due to Dad’s slightly unconventional work schedule making him unavailable for preschool pickup. Mom thinks it’s unfair that the girlfriend (who is now living with Dad and child) or the Dad’s parent does pickup when Mom is available and would love the extra time. Dad thinks the back and forth would be too disruptive to everyone.

Mom thinks that Mom, Dad, and girlfriend should all spend time together occasionally with the child to show that everyone is amicable and respectful. The child has requested this to Mom. Dad is not interested and insists that he only has a duty to be civil and polite during any brief face to face interactions. He continues to say no to these requests.

Is dad's girlfriend doing childcare when mom is available? If so that is weird.

Mom should have right of first refusal but dad has no obligation to spend time with mom socially.

OP said the girlfriend lives with them. Not weird at all for a live-in partner to spend time with the child when Dad is unavailable instead of making the kid go back and forth between households.

[Anonymous]

This sounds fake or people looking for drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are some examples of the conflicting coparenting philosophies between the parents.

Mom thinks she should be able to take the child to birthdays, family events, etc during Dad’s parenting time if Dad is working and child would otherwise be spending time with other family, Dad’s girlfriend, at preschool, or other play dates etc arranged by Dad. Dad thinks that Mom should provide the information about the event and Dad can choose to facilitate the child’s attendance or decline the child attending.

Mom thinks she should have right of first refusal so that any time that the child is not with Dad she should be offered the time. This would mean the child transitioning between households several times a week due to Dad’s slightly unconventional work schedule making him unavailable for preschool pickup. Mom thinks it’s unfair that the girlfriend (who is now living with Dad and child) or the Dad’s parent does pickup when Mom is available and would love the extra time. Dad thinks the back and forth would be too disruptive to everyone.

Mom thinks that Mom, Dad, and girlfriend should all spend time together occasionally with the child to show that everyone is amicable and respectful. The child has requested this to Mom. Dad is not interested and insists that he only has a duty to be civil and polite during any brief face to face interactions. He continues to say no to these requests.

Is dad's girlfriend doing childcare when mom is available? If so that is weird.

Mom should have right of first refusal but dad has no obligation to spend time with mom socially.

OP said the girlfriend lives with them. Not weird at all for a live-in partner to spend time with the child when Dad is unavailable instead of making the kid go back and forth between households.

No, a girlfriend doesn't get parenting time when an actual parent is available (within the time frame specified by the plan). This also applies to the mom, so Dad would get parenting time before a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that it will probably go to the mother. The cultural bias for younger kids is that the mother gets custody. In most cases that is fair, because mothers are doing more work. They're taking care of scheduling doctor's appointments and dealing with the school and scheduling sports and classes and doing more hands on care. If the parents are doing equal work, that bias is unfair to the father, but in most cases, women are doing most of the work so it's fair.

The flip side of this is that if men fight for custody, they tend to win.

This was me (dad fought for primary physical custody and won that and legal custody). It has been the absolute worst pain of my life, and extremely humiliating (I can’t help but think that people make negative assumptions about a mother without at least 50/50 custody).

I can understand why RFK Jr’ ex ended it as she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always goes to the mom

Not true