8th Grade DD falling apart

[Anonymous]

Try reading: "Parallel Process." It is for parents with kids in programs, but the advice is super good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating in 8th grade????

+1 why parents put up with this sh*t is beyond me

How are you going to stop it? Never have them lrave the house? Controlling behaviors can easily backfire.

Well, telling them 13/14 is too young for a boyfriend is a start. Then you are fairly strict about knowing exactly who they are with and exactly where they are going and you don't allow one on one dates.

You tell them, drugs, alcohol, and vaping/smoking are not allowed and that they have to have one physical hobby like a sport and one mental hobby like an instrument. You tell them you expect their grades to be A's and B's and if they can't achieve a B in a class they need to work harder and that you will help them and/or hire a tutor to do so.

If they violate your clear and reasonable rules or their grades slip then they are grounded or are on restriction until the grades come back up.

You do all of these things and also love them and engage them and you hope for the best.

My 8th grader had a gf and they barely hang out outside of school. I have zero control over what they do in school. We talk about consent and sex and are as open as possible. But if we prohibit dating completely, then I worry that they’ll just get sneaky. I would rather save me “absolutely nots” for things like substance abuse.

It’s not prohibiting dating completely to prohibit dating in eighth grade. You can’t control weather they sneak around but you can make sure they at least have to put some effort into rather than just throwing up your hands in defeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating in 8th grade????

+1 why parents put up with this sh*t is beyond me

How are you going to stop it? Never have them lrave the house? Controlling behaviors can easily backfire.

Well, telling them 13/14 is too young for a boyfriend is a start. Then you are fairly strict about knowing exactly who they are with and exactly where they are going and you don't allow one on one dates.

You tell them, drugs, alcohol, and vaping/smoking are not allowed and that they have to have one physical hobby like a sport and one mental hobby like an instrument. You tell them you expect their grades to be A's and B's and if they can't achieve a B in a class they need to work harder and that you will help them and/or hire a tutor to do so.

If they violate your clear and reasonable rules or their grades slip then they are grounded or are on restriction until the grades come back up.

You do all of these things and also love them and engage them and you hope for the best.

My 8th grader had a gf and they barely hang out outside of school. I have zero control over what they do in school. We talk about consent and sex and are as open as possible. But if we prohibit dating completely, then I worry that they’ll just get sneaky. I would rather save me “absolutely nots” for things like substance abuse.

It’s not prohibiting dating completely to prohibit dating in eighth grade. You can’t control weather they sneak around but you can make sure they at least have to put some effort into rather than just throwing up your hands in defeat.

+1000

[Anonymous]

"don't ban guns because people will find the way to own them" - the argument these parents are using. no point in banning anything, it will be done regardless!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my kid OP. Mine was a hellion from 14-19. She was intelligent, verbal, and a boundary pushing rebel. It was not easy and I thought I was going to lose it even lose her many times. Have her checked for anxiety. Some of the rebel behavior is in response to that. And then figure out your boundaries. Our were related to grades. If grades slipped, no hanging out, no parties (yes it sounds like yours is the type to sneak out break curfew and party), etc etc until the grades got back up. Birth control. Lots of discussions regarding smoking, vaping, alcohol use, drug use. You will not be successful in controlling a teen like that. You need to think guardrails. Keep them on a path. Mine is at a highly rated college now, and has calm the ef down on everything!, you both just need to get through the next 4-5 years. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"don't ban guns because people will find the way to own them" - the argument these parents are using. no point in banning anything, it will be done regardless!

Yep. “Let’s not have laws because people still kill, rob, r@pe…”

Insane!

[Anonymous]

Parents who condone dating in 8th grade blind to what really happens. We don't allow dating. Our dds know this and it's kept them focused on their friends and their activities and studies. Kids at 14 don't have the emotional intelligence to handle the fallout and societal pressures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents who condone dating in 8th grade blind to what really happens. We don't allow dating. Our dds know this and it's kept them focused on their friends and their activities and studies. Kids at 14 don't have the emotional intelligence to handle the fallout and societal pressures.

My sister dated in 8th grade, an older boy, and when he dumped her she was seriously messed up for life after that. Depression, fear of abandonment, I’m pretty sure they had sex but I never broached the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents who condone dating in 8th grade blind to what really happens. We don't allow dating. Our dds know this and it's kept them focused on their friends and their activities and studies. Kids at 14 don't have the emotional intelligence to handle the fallout and societal pressures.

My sister dated in 8th grade, an older boy, and when he dumped her she was seriously messed up for life after that. Depression, fear of abandonment, I’m pretty sure they had sex but I never broached the subject.

+1 to these issues being a concern. Nothing good will come of 8th graders dating. There is time. But given that ops dd is dating, there needs to be a new strategy. No sense in stopping two kids in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has gone from a sweet, popular girl with sports, clubs, and honor roll to a straight up baddy. I suspect she vapes, she's dating a rebel type boy and is just letting everything slip. How do we stop this train?? She says she's in love. She has new friends now. Doesn't seem as into her sport or clubs though we still insist she attend. Before anyone blames our parenting, we have clear boundaries and those are respected but we don't know how to control the crowd she's selecting to be with - in the name of love!!! lol

She is a minor, you are the parent. Search her room. If you find vaping paraphernalia set clear consequences. This can be done in a loving, compassionate and clear way. I'd consider taking the lock off of her bedroom door.

You can control when she is allowed out. You can monitor her phone, limit her time with it and delete any app where the messages disappear.

[Anonymous]

ur cooked

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's clouded by love/infatuation. She still comes home when we tell her to and doesn't go out when we say she can't but she's testing our boundaries, coming up with excuses to skip activities, doesn't reach out to her old friends as much, calls with her new "friends" more and more and always wants to go on "dates"--this includes anything from walking to get a bite to biking to the park to hanging out after school. They're also on calls a lot. We have a no phone in room policy after 10pm. This past weekend she had a sleepover with a new "friend". That made us incredibly nervous but we had no reasons to say no.

If you hadn't met the friend's parents then that would be a reason to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's clouded by love/infatuation. She still comes home when we tell her to and doesn't go out when we say she can't but she's testing our boundaries, coming up with excuses to skip activities, doesn't reach out to her old friends as much, calls with her new "friends" more and more and always wants to go on "dates"--this includes anything from walking to get a bite to biking to the park to hanging out after school. They're also on calls a lot. We have a no phone in room policy after 10pm. This past weekend she had a sleepover with a new "friend". That made us incredibly nervous but we had no reasons to say no.

If you hadn't met the friend's parents then that would be a reason to say no.

its wraps

[Anonymous]

its over lil bro ur cookjed

[Anonymous]

We stopped sleepovers once the kids hit middle school. Nothing good happens after that age. In any case, it would be completely reasonable for you to say no sleepovers if you don’t know the kid and parents. Or no sleepovers unless at your house. This is the last year or two when they actually have to listen if you’re strict. It gets harder to enforce later in high school, especially if you haven’t been earlier. Good luck, OP.