How to ensure my kids inherit my money if my husband remarried and died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

Fathers almost never protect their adult kids financially when a new spouse comes into the picture. They might put trusts in place, but they are easily accessed by the new wife.

A man wants to teach his kids how to fish. If they learn, great! If they don't, oh well, they are adults and will figure it out. Mothers, otoh, want to feed their kids fish throughout the kids' lives. That mindset difference manifests in different ways including the one you describe.

And that's fine if he only feeds his new wife his half of the fish.

What if he was the high earner during the marriage? Say they got married at 25, he worked his ass off, made millions while she worked a good job, took time off for kids, etc and they end up in a situation (at 55) where savings/investments titled in his name are, say $ 5mil and those in her name are $1mil (let's ignore 401K and house for now). In what world will a husband (or a wife for that matter) want to give up control of $2mil just so the other spouse feels happy that their adult kids get an inheritance at the expense of giving up control of money he may well need in his 90s? What are the wife's options, then? Go to court and file for a divorce over a hypothetical 'what if I die first' scenario? I can fully understand how this situation would not be an issue if their savings were, say double what it is now. I can see him transferring $2m to the new trust and he still has more than enough 'just in case' money.

He can use what's in the trust until he's in his 90s or whatever, the aim is to not have it accessible to a 2nd party who wasn't part of the marriage earning . Having a wife to care for children and the house provides a financial value that isn't reflected in the accounts. In what world does a person--husband or wife-- want the extra share of their money to go to a person and the kids of a person they don't know? I've been an equal contributer to our family assets, but I can appreciate the perspective of a SAHP who adds value that is not 'counted' in the assets.

Not disagreeing with you, nor the reasons why SAHPs choose to be so and have what they have. Statistics/anecdotes notwithstanding, it also appears that most women on here have already made up their minds that any second wife is pretty much after DH's money which needs to be 'protected' from her and that the lack of trust in DH's ability/judgment in taking care of his kids. In my personal situation, I'll likely outlive DH given the longevity in both sides of my family (90+), DH's side (not as stellar as mine), and the fact that he's 5 years older than I. Also, if I do bring this up and ask for a 'transfer', his response will be "I'm not an idiot" and that will be the end of the conversation.

It's not that our minds are made up, it's just that we see it happen regularly among 'good guys' we know. It's not even that the new wife is out for their money--it's just the reality, he loves her and wants her to be set up okay financially and thinks of all the money as his now, not that half of it was his late wife's and she wanted it to go to their adult kids/grandchildren. And she might need the money. He might say he wants it for his new wife for her life and then vaguely back to his kids, but that just doesn't happen or she's only 10 years older than them and it's all long gone/intermingled by the time she passes on and her will is focused on her kids. I expect to outlive my DH too---I have people who live over 100 in my family, most live to mid 90s and the few great aunts and uncles or whatever who died in their 80s people say 'they died young,'--and my DH is older than me with less longevity in the family. But I want our bases covered.

Asking for a transfer seems weird, but I would just suggest that you talk to your husband and estate lawyer during estate planning, you ask questions about what happens in the case of one of us dying and the other remarrying--how do we make sure some of the assets go to the kids? At least get on the same page about what you want to happen and then the mechanisms for making that happen. If he starts to picture you falling prey in your grieving widowhood to some scamming guy, he might want some of the assets in the kids' hands too for your and their protection.

I hear you and agree with you on the potential for some such thing happening. At the same time, at least in our case, both of us are smart enough to 'lock away' a portion (may not be 50%) of our assets for our current kids before entering into marriage with someone else, if at all. How much will depend on the circumstances (how well settled kids are, how responsible, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Not an expert, but would one option be to create a trust where the income produced goes to the surviving spouse + new spouse if there is one, but upon the surviving spouse’s death the principal is dispersed to children of the first marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

Fathers almost never protect their adult kids financially when a new spouse comes into the picture. They might put trusts in place, but they are easily accessed by the new wife.

A man wants to teach his kids how to fish. If they learn, great! If they don't, oh well, they are adults and will figure it out. Mothers, otoh, want to feed their kids fish throughout the kids' lives. That mindset difference manifests in different ways including the one you describe.

And that's fine if he only feeds his new wife his half of the fish.

What if he was the high earner during the marriage? Say they got married at 25, he worked his ass off, made millions while she worked a good job, took time off for kids, etc and they end up in a situation (at 55) where savings/investments titled in his name are, say $ 5mil and those in her name are $1mil (let's ignore 401K and house for now). In what world will a husband (or a wife for that matter) want to give up control of $2mil just so the other spouse feels happy that their adult kids get an inheritance at the expense of giving up control of money he may well need in his 90s? What are the wife's options, then? Go to court and file for a divorce over a hypothetical 'what if I die first' scenario? I can fully understand how this situation would not be an issue if their savings were, say double what it is now. I can see him transferring $2m to the new trust and he still has more than enough 'just in case' money.

He can use what's in the trust until he's in his 90s or whatever, the aim is to not have it accessible to a 2nd party who wasn't part of the marriage earning . Having a wife to care for children and the house provides a financial value that isn't reflected in the accounts. In what world does a person--husband or wife-- want the extra share of their money to go to a person and the kids of a person they don't know? I've been an equal contributer to our family assets, but I can appreciate the perspective of a SAHP who adds value that is not 'counted' in the assets.

Not disagreeing with you, nor the reasons why SAHPs choose to be so and have what they have. Statistics/anecdotes notwithstanding, it also appears that most women on here have already made up their minds that any second wife is pretty much after DH's money which needs to be 'protected' from her and that the lack of trust in DH's ability/judgment in taking care of his kids. In my personal situation, I'll likely outlive DH given the longevity in both sides of my family (90+), DH's side (not as stellar as mine), and the fact that he's 5 years older than I. Also, if I do bring this up and ask for a 'transfer', his response will be "I'm not an idiot" and that will be the end of the conversation.

It's not that our minds are made up, it's just that we see it happen regularly among 'good guys' we know. It's not even that the new wife is out for their money--it's just the reality, he loves her and wants her to be set up okay financially and thinks of all the money as his now, not that half of it was his late wife's and she wanted it to go to their adult kids/grandchildren. And she might need the money. He might say he wants it for his new wife for her life and then vaguely back to his kids, but that just doesn't happen or she's only 10 years older than them and it's all long gone/intermingled by the time she passes on and her will is focused on her kids. I expect to outlive my DH too---I have people who live over 100 in my family, most live to mid 90s and the few great aunts and uncles or whatever who died in their 80s people say 'they died young,'--and my DH is older than me with less longevity in the family. But I want our bases covered.

Asking for a transfer seems weird, but I would just suggest that you talk to your husband and estate lawyer during estate planning, you ask questions about what happens in the case of one of us dying and the other remarrying--how do we make sure some of the assets go to the kids? At least get on the same page about what you want to happen and then the mechanisms for making that happen. If he starts to picture you falling prey in your grieving widowhood to some scamming guy, he might want some of the assets in the kids' hands too for your and their protection.

I hear you and agree with you on the potential for some such thing happening. At the same time, at least in our case, both of us are smart enough to 'lock away' a portion (may not be 50%) of our assets for our current kids before entering into marriage with someone else, if at all. How much will depend on the circumstances (how well settled kids are, how responsible, etc.)

I think of myself and DH as smart enough too (or should be with the grad degrees we have between us at least!), but I also know that we all cognitively decline as we age and that can be accompanied by personality changes. Throw in a bit of grief and loneliness into the mix and people are unpredictable. I'd rather get it nailed down in the decades before it's needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not an expert, but would one option be to create a trust where the income produced goes to the surviving spouse + new spouse if there is one, but upon the surviving spouse’s death the principal is dispersed to children of the first marriage?

That's great if you have millions but again if you're an average MC / UMC family the surviving spouse may need access to the principal for health care needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

I think this is an okay way to think about it when your kids are minors--they still need caring for and your DH will be tied to being their father in every day life -- and your kids will grow up in a life without you, but one where you financially ensured their well-being through childhood the best you could.
But once your kids are adults, out on their own, that's where it gets trickier. If your DH remarries, the needs of the person nearest to him--the new spouse--just will likely to tend to loom larger than his memories of what you would have wished for your kids. And your kids will be adults, hopefully reasonably financially secure and not in your DHs daily life as much as the new wife. This will be true if she's a decent, loving person who is similar to him in financial resources and makes his life better--but it will be even more true if this is a person--decent or otherwise-- who purposefully entered his life to gain financial security and has genuine financial needs.

And like another poster mentioned, though women have traditionally been less likely to die first, less likely to remarry and even less likely to disinherit their adult kids on purpose in favor of a new spouse, they can fall prey to all sorts of influences that wreak havoc on their assets. We're all going to be declining cognitively too--so we can't extrapolate from our thinking now to how we will act in old age.

Upshot is, once your kids are adults, make a deal with your spouse on how you can each leave some assets to your kids directly if you have the financial means to do so. Then with the remainder do the best you can with a trust and an estate planner to protect the assets.

+1 million.

We have a blended family and have been though this with estate lawyers, and pretty much all you can do is make specific bequests to the children, to the extent you can afford to, and then set up trusts for the children with life estates for the surviving spouse. At some point, you just have to trust your partner to do what’s right.

[Anonymous]

You can also do a post-nup. If you're both really serious about it.

[Anonymous]

Make sure it's a real irrevocable trust.

[Anonymous]

I’m thinking about trying to handle this with life insurance

In my case, there’s already a likely divorce looming and an AP waiting in the wings. The possibility of a new spouse and kids is very real. Obviously I’ll change what’s in my will, but as to trying to lock in any inheritance from him to the kids, the only thing i can think of is having a generous life insurance policy be part of the divorce settlement.

[Anonymous]

Like many commenters, I share this concern. I think the reality is my DH would remarry someone much younger and he would absolutely focus on her -- he is not a planner and thinks "things will work out." I am out-earning him by quite a bit now and it's because of choices I've made while he's chosen to coast, so it REALLY bothers me to think about him taking the money I worked so hard for and spending it on a new wife (and getting easily talked into another having another baby) and not prioritizing our kids.

I spoke with an Estate Planner/attorney about this, and his advice was to haunt my husband from the grave. We don't have the kind of assets for a trust make sense apparently and/or it would be a challenge to set up effectively. Neither of us has family money, and it seems to be easier to protect that wealth than assets accumulated during the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think what I’m most concerned about is Dh remarrying someone much younger and she lives for 20 years or so after he dies, exhausting all of both my and his inheritance that I wanted the kids to receive. So many older women that I know were husband hunters in their old age as a form of retirement income. I don’t even want my money going to a 2nd wife while my Dh is still alive but it seems I have little control over that. I’ve seen so many 50 year marriages, wife dies, man only remarries for a couple of years before dying and then the new wife inherits millions. Kids never inherit a cent. In my own family my great grandparents inheritance that my grandpa inherited went solely to the new wife. It’s crazy.

I really don’t understand why men remarry when they’re older instead of just living together. It’s all to the woman’s benefit financially and they’re too dumb to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

Fathers almost never protect their adult kids financially when a new spouse comes into the picture. They might put trusts in place, but they are easily accessed by the new wife.

Irrevocable trust from Mom to the kids solves this.