sick mom and sibling drama

[Anonymous]

My mom is not well. She is battling of things including declining mental health. She will need to be a facility. She put my brother in charge as power of attorney etc. My brother has made a number of decisions I do not agree with and then will not return calls when I have a question. FYIW I have no financial interest so it is not a situation where I am angling. It has gotten to a point where my health is being affected and my relationship with my husband. Everyday is me fretting and worrying but with no power to change the situation. I have tried to talk to my brother about getting back to me but he gets arrogant and it winds up being a fight. I honestly think he is over his head. I have gotten to the point where I am thinking of not asking anymore and when he does call me just saying that there are too many cooks in the kitchen and that I will continue to visit mom etc but that I don't want to be involved in the granular decisions--honestly I don't think my opinion counts anyway so I think getting the stress of the xxx is in the medical report but knowing I cannot suggest treatment etc is just not worth it. Has anyone else been in this situation and if so how resolved. I am a peaceful person and I hate the idea of backing away but I think I am getting to the "first get your oxygen" feeling. I also hate that I am seeing this ugly side of my brother, it makes me feel like I am losing another relative as I think after my mom passes we will have no connection. Mom has no idea of the arguing-we are both respectful in that manner. Anyway sorry for the rant but I am feeling sad.

[Anonymous]

If he has POA I think it makes sense for you to let go of all the attempts to make decisions. Tell your brother you are there if he wants/needs your input, then attend to your mom as best you can. I'm sure it's quite frustrating, but she chose him so let him deal with that stress while you visit with and love your mom. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Op, do not try to maximize the outcome. A good-enough decision made by your brother is probably, indeed, good enough. Accept. Your Mother has.

It is not worth spoiling the relationship you have with your brother - YOUR MOTHER WOULD NOT WANT THIS

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies (this is OP). I am really struggling not to be mad. I am wondering if anyone in this situation has gotten to the other side. I feel bad for my mom because she made the wrong pick. When she changed Her POA I had young kids and my brother was not married. He is married now with a wife not as patient with mom's stuff and my kids are now old enough that I can actually help. As I have said, I have tried to talk to my brother but he just gets angry and lashes out. I do think I have to let go but easier said than done when it involves a parent. I am not going to go to court because I know mom in better health would be horrified at drama. I am so sad about all of this. I now see how families fall apart. I want to think I can get over be angry at him maybe after mom passes but I don't know if I have it in me. I am praying for a couple more years with mom but could be sooner. Anyway..sorry for the ramble

[Anonymous]

My parents gave my brother POA and made me their health care proxy. I complained to my dh "What, do you they think I'll take care of them and my brother will get their money"? Dh told me to calm down because I have medical training, so maybe they think I can make better decisions. I'm a pathologist. I think it stings because he got the 'man job' and I got the 'dutiful daughter' job. So far they're healthy, so I don't really care, but this post reminded me.

[Anonymous]

What is your brother doing that is so bad?

[Anonymous]

My sister, who is older but financially irresponsible, made issues like this over my mom giving me POA. As a result, mom hired someone who cheated her and we lost at least $500,000. Make sure your sibling documents their actions and shares with you. Don't harp on little things. As long as you can get this, be thankful for the blessing of someone willing to do the work. Taking care of a loved one's financial and health records at the end of their life and after death is no picnic. It takes years.

[Anonymous]

My issues are brother makes serious medical decisions without any input and the. Won't answer phone /txt when I am trying to understand. He is also big on he is the only one to know medical details. He is also using mom's money for things that I do not think he should. Ex he charged her account if he travels to see her (we are not in town with her). I brought up that we should not be charging mom to see her and he blew up ditto if he gets anything for her. I told him that this is pretty aggressive and again he blew up. It has all become stressful. What I haven't done is complain to mom as I feel she has enough to worry about. I feel bad for her. Sorry for the ramble. FYI I do not think he is a criminal as I think this may be his wife trying to get away with not spending a penny. I fly to see mom all the time and would never ask for reimbursement. Both kids have money so no one is in a place where there is money issues. I am quickly losing respect.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but I'd probably mention this to your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My issues are brother makes serious medical decisions without any input and the. Won't answer phone /txt when I am trying to understand. He is also big on he is the only one to know medical details. He is also using mom's money for things that I do not think he should. Ex he charged her account if he travels to see her (we are not in town with her). I brought up that we should not be charging mom to see her and he blew up ditto if he gets anything for her. I told him that this is pretty aggressive and again he blew up. It has all become stressful. What I haven't done is complain to mom as I feel she has enough to worry about. I feel bad for her. Sorry for the ramble. FYI I do not think he is a criminal as I think this may be his wife trying to get away with not spending a penny. I fly to see mom all the time and would never ask for reimbursement. Both kids have money so no one is in a place where there is money issues. I am quickly losing respect.

This is what the POA does by law

[Anonymous]

He should absolutely be charging his travel to your mom's account within reason if he's traveling to care for her. You think all of this should come out of his pocket? You sound exactly like my sister who questioned every decision I made but did very little to help and, in the end, reduced our inheritance by half.
If your mom has to hire a lawyer and carer to oversee her affairs, you might as well have adopted another brother, financially. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

I understand and this is why I see why families fall apart. In a normal situation there is POA but mutual respect etc etc. We didn't have a complicated family before mom got sick so this is really jarring. I am at the point where I am thinking I need to just fade to background--I am trying to balance being good to my mom but also knowing things are going on and nothing I can do is a horrible place to be. I realize again I could go to court to change but honestly that doesn't feel right and I can't imagine the stress. This is why I am asking if anyone has been through this and was their family ever healed? I am feeling like this is the end on so many levels and it is horrible to feel this way.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to care for your mom, then ask your brother for reimbursement out of her account. That's reasonable.

[Anonymous]

No one is caring for her--she is in a rehabilitative facility. We are each traveling to spend time with her. This is why I am annoyed at his taking from her account. As adults we should not be charging our parents to visit. On my recent visit he barely saw her --does a stop by and goes out with his wife. Rehabilitative place is in a beautiful place. Please understand no one is being out out--I understand if a child is literally taking care of their mom. This is different.

[Anonymous]

So go to court.