8 year old stimming/self-soothing with hands in pants. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Hi Everybody,

So I'm needing some advice from someone who has been there, or links to some experts, or both.

My 8 year old daughter is Autistic, she is very verbal, does well academically, so well that she was exited last year from her IEP and just has a 504 now to help with a few accommodations.

Tonight though she broke my heart into pieces when she was sobbing at bedtime that she didn't want to go back to school on Wednesday...or ever. Apparently some kids in her class are teasing her for stimming. The teasing is for flapping her hands, which she still does when excited, but mostly it is kids calling her 'gross' because she self-soothes sometimes by putting her hands down her pants. She knows she's supposed to do that only 'in private' but has trouble remembering.

I already plan to talk to her teacher about some work with the class on teasing. I don't spend a lot of time trying to stop any of her stims. But I am thinking that if she really can't remember not to self soothe by putting her hands in her pants then that needs to be something we work on. I don't see a situation in the future where that doesn't hurt her with her peers...kids are going to say it is gross and mock and reject her because hands in the pants is not really something we want or expect to see our peers doing while we hang out with them.

Has anyone had any luck getting their child to stop this behavior, or to 'remember' to do it only when in private? I'm trying to tread careful waters and not wind up making her think her body is gross or dirty or something she should be ashamed of yet also somehow get her to stop touching it while at school in second grade. Totally at a loss.

She's very verbal and can understand all of our explanations for why this is a private time thing, its just that while 'in the moment' she seems to continue to forget. I don't know how to help her. I'd love to hear from someone with a suggestion.

Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

Can she wear dresses for a week?

[Anonymous]

Pants with pockets and something special in the pocket she can touch as necessary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she wear dresses for a week?

If she forgets with pants, she'd probably just lift the dress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pants with pockets and something special in the pocket she can touch as necessary?

a fidget is a good idea. (For a second, I thought you meant a hole in the pocket to give her access to touch--Noooo, definitely not a good idea.)

OP, does she respond well to weighted vests to help keep her regulated, e.g.,:
https://funandfunction.com/weighted-fleece-vest.html

Also, they make these for younger kids:
https://funandfunction.com/keeps-me-clean-nopu-shorts.html
but a pair of snug spanx or bike shorts would make it much more difficult for her to stick her hands down there, but not so impossible that she couldn't go the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pants with pockets and something special in the pocket she can touch as necessary?

a fidget is a good idea. (For a second, I thought you meant a hole in the pocket to give her access to touch--Noooo, definitely not a good idea.)

OP, does she respond well to weighted vests to help keep her regulated, e.g.,:
https://funandfunction.com/weighted-fleece-vest.html

Also, they make these for younger kids:
https://funandfunction.com/keeps-me-clean-nopu-shorts.html
but a pair of snug spanx or bike shorts would make it much more difficult for her to stick her hands down there, but not so impossible that she couldn't go the bathroom.

These are all great suggestions. My DD went through a phase like this when she was in kdg. I dressed her in layers, including bike shorts, so it would be hard for her to reach down her pants. Eventually she moved on to other stims and self-soothing activities.

[Anonymous]

My HFA 7-yr-old girl soothes herself in this way, but not at school.

My daughter has an IEP and receives robust social support at school. When she's stressed at school she has therapists working with her, has a calm down room, etc.

I wonder whether there aren't other stresses at school that aren't being addressed fully.

What are the triggers and is the school providing appropriate assistance throughout her day?

[Anonymous]

No soft pants. Jeans w a belt.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

Thanks for all of these great ideas, the bike shorts/tight underthings seem like a good suggestion as does the fidget in pocket.

Just some backstory, we had her in Infants and Toddlers with an IEP that mostly focused on social emotional skills; things like building relationships with peers, regulating her emotion, and as school started and we moved from IFSP to IEP some goals on working past frustration/being perserverant on acadamic tasks. Last year she was exited from Special Ed and the IEP was closed, her academics were very high and the team determined that her social emotional deficits were not preventing her from accessing the curriclum. On that they were right if only technically, she thrived in math and reading and on standardized tests.

I pushed for a 504 so she'd at least have something in place, documentation that showed she was in fact Autistic and did need help in some areas, things like visual supports to break down tasks into smaller parts, social stories to help her understand how to relate to peers...it is a robust enough 504 though who ever knows how well it is implemented. I did not include anything about monitoring or reducing stims or self-soothing behavior because at the time (the end of last year) they did not seem to effect her well being at school.

Now though that has changed, and the idea of her being regularly teased and bullied and called 'gross' because of these soothing behaviors pains my heart. To the poster who asked it is entirely possible there are anxieties at school that are causing her to seek this 'soothing' more often, but at home she does it when she is contented too, it just calms her and puts her in her zone.

Likely alternate calming activities or a 'calm down area' need to be provided in the classroom to help her, and I think her peers would benefit from some empathy training...especially since this is a school that celebrates Autism Awareness month with blue outfits every friday in April. Awareness is great but I'd rather have awareness that leads to compassion myself.

I'll investigate the pocket figit idea as well as some of the rest of the suggestions here.

Thanks so much, this community is so helpful and it is great to have a peer group of moms and dads online that have been down roads like this before.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a leotard under her clothes- I think you can probably find some that snap at the crotch so she can go the bathroom more easily. You could also add Velcro to the crotch.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would document that she is "stimming" inappropriately and that she is being bullied, called names as a result. Social skills (or lack thereof) will impact her ability to access the curriculum. I'd investigate the possibility of re-opening the IEP. B/c if she's doing this now at 8, she may continue to stim in socially damaging ways. IEPs are legally required to implement, not so much with 504s.

It so wonderful that she's come so far, but an IEP with social skills goals would help her stay on track.

Not sure where you are geographically, but Ivymount Outreach has an all girl social skills group on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Agree about reopening the IEP just the 504 doesn't seem to be cutting it.

[Anonymous]

+3 - push for an IEP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi Everybody,

So I'm needing some advice from someone who has been there, or links to some experts, or both.

My 8 year old daughter is Autistic, she is very verbal, does well academically, so well that she was exited last year from her IEP and just has a 504 now to help with a few accommodations.

Tonight though she broke my heart into pieces when she was sobbing at bedtime that she didn't want to go back to school on Wednesday...or ever. Apparently some kids in her class are teasing her for stimming. The teasing is for flapping her hands, which she still does when excited, but mostly it is kids calling her 'gross' because she self-soothes sometimes by putting her hands down her pants. She knows she's supposed to do that only 'in private' but has trouble remembering.

I already plan to talk to her teacher about some work with the class on teasing. I don't spend a lot of time trying to stop any of her stims. But I am thinking that if she really can't remember not to self soothe by putting her hands in her pants then that needs to be something we work on. I don't see a situation in the future where that doesn't hurt her with her peers...kids are going to say it is gross and mock and reject her because hands in the pants is not really something we want or expect to see our peers doing while we hang out with them.

Has anyone had any luck getting their child to stop this behavior, or to 'remember' to do it only when in private? I'm trying to tread careful waters and not wind up making her think her body is gross or dirty or something she should be ashamed of yet also somehow get her to stop touching it while at school in second grade. Totally at a loss.

She's very verbal and can understand all of our explanations for why this is a private time thing, its just that while 'in the moment' she seems to continue to forget. I don't know how to help her. I'd love to hear from someone with a suggestion.

Thanks so much!

My son got diagnosis recently. He is working with OT for sensory issues. He is not stimming, but he does need deep pressure as self-soothing. One of trick OT therapist is telling us to do is to teach him to pressure his two hands together in order to get pressure, also in case he needs some self-soothing technique in future. It's said that autistic kids tend to have anxiety issues, so teaching them an appropriate self-soothing technique is needed. The best (on appearance) is they should hold or pressure two hands together. It look pretty normal for anyone going thru stressful moments. Try to teach her that to see how it goes with your daughter. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Also, now that she's in 2nd grade, I'd make sure that she has her hands down her pants ONLY when she is in her room, alone, at home.

That is, this isn't an activity she should be doing while the whole family is gathered together in the living room watching tv. Not that YOU care, but she needs to really need to stop this as her 'everyday' stimming to calm down or when she's "in the zone" to being done only when in private. And that means not just at home, but in private at home. Masturbation itself isn't the issue - it's WHERE and WHEN it's done.

I think helping her learn to squeeze or press her hands together, and/or using a fidget, will give her an alternative while you are very consistent with it at home and school.

And the bike shorts and layers (which is great because it's getting colder - everyone needs layers!) will help redirect her out of necessity. So a dress with pants on for leg warmth and then bike shorts underneath the pants....