Advice from other FIRST TIME PARENTS on saving their relationship

[Anonymous]

DH and i had our first child who is turning 1 this december. Pregnancy was a bit on the tougher side and I was not allowed to have sex during my pregnancy. So this leaves me with about 9 months of no sex at that time. Then baby comes and we are exhausted and still no time nor energy to have sex. As ds got older, i thought it was time for us to have sex. I had wanted it a while before but it just never happened.
Libido on my side is still there. Actually pretty high if I'm honest. We had sex for the first time since my baby was born last december about a month and half ago.

let me try to keep this short and sweet. I know many couples have a hard time in their relationship during the arrival of their first child. I threw in the towel this morning and want some advice on how to save my relationship. DH and I do not sleep in the same bed and we co-parent wonderfully. We are sorely tired given we both work. But i just need advice on taking the first steps or what other couples did during their time as first time parents.

p.s. DH adores DS. I don't get the same -pie in the sky face- when he sees me. Not sure how to feel about that-so i just force myself to feel happy.

[Anonymous]

John Gottman's Baby Makes Three!!! If you can find a workshop near you, HIGHLY recommend that, but even just the book if you're both willing to work through it together.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000N2HCK6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-baby-makes-three/

[Anonymous]

https://www.gottman.com/parents/new-parents-workshop/

[Anonymous]

We drop the kid off at daycare and then have day dates. We rented a limo and went out to a bunch of wineries a few weeks ago. Home by 3, picked the kid up at 5. We do something like that at least once every other month. It's nice to not have to think about babysitter logistics, and doing things during the day means we have more energy than trying to cram activities in at night.

We need to maintain that connection as a couple who hangs out and talks about things other than the baby. Everything else follows from there.

[Anonymous]

Our sex life is as bad as yours - that's at 17 months. I am the higher L partner (DH) and I think, though she's denied it, that DW experiences some pain during sex, ever since first tri. She too had some complications that made it out of the question.

However, we remain connected by, as PP suggested, doing "just us" activities, and we sit down to a home cooked dinner without "screens" every night and talk to each other, after DS gets put to bed. We do still share the same bed. I think the sex will come back - I still initiate and try to gracefully accept getting shot down. If you are ready and want to, you need to initiate and also start sleeping in the same bed.

[Anonymous]

The first year is so hard. We fought so so so much, and I would find myself thinking I'd rather be alone. For us, it was sleep deprivation. Neither of us do well on little sleep, and our baby was a bad sleeper. It made us monsters to each other, and we each felt the other did less and had little sympathy. Something that helped us connect was a once a week at home date night. Kid in bed, netflix, wine, and pizza. Sex was still somewhat rare, so we tried to make sure it happened once a week, and we were both happier when it did (I was the one with low libido post baby, not him). Ill be honest I hda to force myself to do it, your husband might need to do the same with some flirtation from you. Not just physical touch, but compliment him as a husband and father. It means more to men then a lot of women realize.

[Anonymous]

We scheduled sex for the weekends. "Weekend" was defined as Friday and Saturday nights. At first, it was really routine because we were both so tired, but we quickly started being able to talk to each other about what we wanted.

In my case, I was turning down sex because DH would take so long; I was too tired for a lot of foreplay + multiple positions + lengthy "end game." For his part, he was drawing it out because we were having sex so infrequently, he wanted to enjoy it as long as he could.

Once we scheduled it, he was more certain we'd have sex regularly, and was willing to cut down on the length. Now we sometimes have quickies when we're both tired, and sometimes draw it out longer.

For me, it meant I didn't have to worry about feeling guilty or pressured during the week, and I could get myself ready by anticipating it on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

watching replies. looked at the blog--as I eat some breakfast. I thank you all.

[Anonymous]

Keep pushing through, OP. Will your DH do counseling? We did three sessions through employee assistance program and even that helped a little. Funny what was helpful was not so much the therapist as his willingness to try to make things better and him even defending me when he thought the therapist was wrongly piling on me. Have as much sex as you can and try to do some date nights (or date days). Do you have family or friends that can watch your child? We've done some overnights in the city where we went to dinner and a basketball game or even just dinner and chilling in the hotel room. Those things all helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

We've done a few counseling sessions after each child was born. They were really helpful and helped us get back in track and talk about how we were feeling without falling into the housework/sleep martyr roles.

[Anonymous]

You had sex for the first time in 10 months? That is pretty horrible. No amount of excuses can make that acceptable. Odds are, he is banging someone else. No sex for 9 months during pregnancy and then no sex 10 months after that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In my case, I was turning down sex because DH would take so long; I was too tired for a lot of foreplay + multiple positions + lengthy "end game." For his part, he was drawing it out because we were having sex so infrequently, he wanted to enjoy it as long as he could.

I was a DH with this mindset.

OP - Curious to see if you know what your DH thinks about all of this. It seems like you guys should have better odds of pulling out of this since you, as DW, have a higher drive. Certainly not always, but it seems like it's generally easier to jump start a man's dormant drive than a woman's. So, it might just be a matter of getting back in the habit. Schedule it like PP said. It's like exercise -- sometimes it's tough to get started, but folks are almost always glad they did.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP about reading And Baby Makes Three.

The biggest take away is -- be kind to each other.

DH and I have weathered new parenthood relatively well. But I've recently found myself giving him the finger behind his back or rolling my eyes when he can't see me. I realized just how unkind that is. So my goal is to stop doing that. I need to find a much better way to deal with my tiny frustrations. Ways that acknowledge that I'm doing the best that I can and SO IS HE.

[Anonymous]

DH and I talked about divorce the first year after having DC. We had such a hard time getting along (didn't help that we were just married and bought a house when we got pregnant). Fast forward to year four and we get along so much better (and had a second kid when timing was right). That first year is so tough! My biggest advice would be to remember it's a big change for everyone and not to complain about your spouse too much to others (I got in the rut of complaining about DH which made me dwell on his faults). You will get through it! Have date nights at least once a month and try to focus on enjoying your new family.

[Anonymous]

Really the advice others have said to heart. Be kind but not complacent.
I'm divorced and I trace quite a few of our issues back to this period in our marriage