Histrionic Mother
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Anonymous
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Really need tips on how to deal with my histrionic mother.
As a child, I often felt embarrassed about her dramatic behavior and blowing things out of proportion. As an adult, she constantly criticizes me, "I'm so proud of you for going to college and accomplishing everything you did, getting a good job, but now that you have children, don't you think it's time to slow down and focus on your children? I knew you were ambitious but I didn't realize you were this ambitious." I don't have a choice economically to stop working. I have explained this to her. She goes on and on with the guilt trips. she tells her close friends and relatives how hard life is for DH and I juggling work and home. I'm a private person and do not always want to share such information especially when her stories are blown out of proportion. When someone upsets her, she thinks her hysterical behavior is a "wake up call" to them. "Such and such was doing X, Y, and Z but I just could not take it anymore so I started to scream at him/her and told them X, Y, and Z. Since then, they have completely changed. There's so many things they didn't realize." She seems to believe the hysterical behavior is positive and effective. She a kind, loving person and really struggled to raise us as a single mom but her behavior is draining, childish, and very embarrassing. Also her presence creates are lot tension when she visits. |
Anonymous
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Ugh, I can't stand people like that, they stress me out. She's probably never realized people say yes to her and disappear to get her off their back. You might want to tell her that one day. Over the phone. |
Anonymous
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Your mother is borderline. Google the term. She thrives on chaos.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself to her. It does not matter what you think. You are an object, not a person. You cannot convince her or win her over. Phrases to use with her: If you say so, mom. I'll give that some thought. We'll have to think about that. As far as her hysterical behavior and over the top sharing of your personal information, STOP TELLING HER DETAILS OF YOUR FAMILY LIFE beyond small everyday stuff -- we went trick or treating, we had a great dinner at Friendly's. Anything you share will be distorted or used against you in some way. You need to take that as a fact. Do not provide ammunition. I'm sorry your mother is like this, but it's important to protect yourself and be realistic. Consider checking out the website outofthefog.net |
Anonymous
| With people like this, you can only benefit by reading the book called Boundaries. It's really helpful and practical. |
Anonymous
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You are the only that can choose how to react to others. Your mother sounds like a very draining personalty and believe me, I get it. My father used to cause me similar stress. I then choose to remove his power over me and to directly speak with him about what he was doing.
I would respond to his criticisms with " Dad, as a parent I understand wanting the best for your children but you need to recognize that I'm a grown person with my own ideas about how to live my[i][b] life. If I want your input on something then I will certainly ask you but if I don't you need to stop offering unsolicited advice. I'm not going to follow unsolicited advice and that is just going to stress both of us out." |
Anonymous
+1 After that first conversation you can respond "that certainly sounds like unsolicited advice, you know what I think about that!" |
Anonymous
| Bump |
Anonymous
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My MIL is exactly like this, I feel like based on your description we are talking about the same woman. Over the 20 years I've known her, she's alienated all her family and friends that the only people that have anything to do with her are her own mother and my DH (her son). She's divorced, living alone, and just a nut job. She send a wackadoodle email to both DH and me, her mother, my SIL, my BIL, my FIL (her ex) -and HIS wife,, over Christmas plans. Now my SIL and BIL aren't speaking to her. So much drama, all, the, time.
I try as hard as I can not to get wrapped up in her drama. When it's email or phone conversations I just end the communication. In public, I walk away. Once at Disney she had security called on her, literally, because at the Dumbo ride she wasn't allowed to do what's called a hand off with my daughter (the Disney person was wrong in this case) and she refused to leave the actual Dumbo she was sitting in in protest, and then laid on the ground underneath the ride so the operator couldn't start it. At Disney, in front of a ton of people, all also waiting in line to ride. I thought I would die of shame. |
Anonymous
| This Disney story is pure gold. Whenever I think my mom gets the medal for playing the victim, I hear about someone's mom feigning a heart attack to get the attention back on her, etc. Please give more details about what this 'hand-off' entails. It puts my mom in perspective and that's helpful for improving our relationship. |
Anonymous
| My mom feigned illness in her later years to get attention. I finally found the solution was to give her regular attention in more positive ways (daily calls, regular flowers, photos, good news of any kind). Visits and attention from families is the "status symbol" among aged people. I avoided telling her my troubles unless there was some way she could help (occasional small gift of $). Once she had plenty of bragging rights she cut out the negative behavior. |
Anonymous
| I'm so confused. I thought the way to get selfish, demanding, passive-aggressive old people to behave better is to set boundaries and not reward their negative behavior. |
Anonymous
PP here. I am not sure what the technical term is for Disney, but I call it a hand off. Basically, it was my MIL, my DD, and I (just us 3) at Disney. By sure luck the ride attendant declared that my DD and I were the last people to be in that round for the ride, and stopped the line so my MIL would be the first in the next group. So my MIL said to me, at the end of the ride give DD to me (hand her off) and she can ride with me in the next round, essentially DD gets to ride twice back to back with two different family members. Apparently there is actually a Disney policy on this, and it is permitted on most rides. So my DD and I ride the Dumbo ride for like 45 seconds (after waiting about an hour in the line), and we get off and as we walk by the people waiting I give DD to my MIL. The ride attendant has a fit. But my MIL says I am alone, I can bring another person with me onto the ride, so I pick my granddaughter, we are doing a hand off. NO ONE ELSE COMPLAINED. None of the other people in line cared, and I suspect a few were planning on the same thing. Ride attendant was a real ahole, and said my MIL would be forced instead to ride alone or with another single rider/stranger. WHY???? So now my MIL won't back down. I mean, my MIL is right, and all the other people just wanted to ride the damn ride, but this ride attendant wouldn't cave. So my MIL laid down on the pavement underneath one of the Dumbos in protest. Security came, they threatened to kick her out. of the entire park Eventually my MIL won and my DD rode with her and the people in line were like Praise baby jesus. It was 15 minutes of hell. Disney is NOT the happiest place on earth. My DD was 3, she didn't care whether she rode the Dumbo ride again. But come hell or high water my MIL was not going to back down. It was insane. Before we had kids, she once got made at my DH and I for getting a ride back to her house with my DH's uncle and we stopped to get gas and for a beer at this diner place. When we got back to MIL's house, where we were staying, she said we had deliberately tried to get rid of her so we could go and party, she locked us out of her apartment, took the clothes out of our suitcase, and threw them out the window, landing 4 stories below. She's a lunatic. So next time you think your MIL is batshit crazy, remember me, the Disney DIL. |
Anonymous
| Disney DIL, you are gentler and more patient than Cinderella, for putting up with MILeficent. |
Anonymous
| OP update. My mom is escalating with outbursts. She asked me recently if she could live with us temporarily so she can get "help." She lives in a town without much resources and help. I said no and feeling very guilty but she creates chaos in my life and her presence will really throw off my family life. Before I had children, she lived with me at one point and I really tried to get her help but she constantly refused that she had a problem. |
Anonymous
I'm kind of on her side with the Disney story. It could have been handled better and her reaction to the misunderstanding was over the top, but she was right. The ride attendant should have called a supervisor or something. To me, the other story is a better example of her bad behavior. That is crazy. |