6 year old says he has no friends, but he does -- how to respond?

[Anonymous]

6 year old DS has come home every day saying that he has no friends and no one likes him. He no longer wants to play at the playground after school because he says he has no one to play with. He hasn't gotten any birthday party or playdate invitations all year and says he has no one to invite here for a playdate.

Then today I chaperoned a field trip and it's clear that he *does* have friends. He spent the whole time talking to the other kids and seemed comfortable and relaxed around them.

So clearly the problem is not actually having friends, but his unhappiness is real. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

What does he mean by 'friend'?

Is something different happening at the playground (less supervision might lead to different behavior)? Are there other kids there that might be bothering him?

I have also run into a situation where 'friends' don't want to act like your friend around other people they are trying to impress (the cool kids).

I think you need to have more conversations with your son to figure out what's going on.

[Anonymous]

When my five year old says things like this he means very close friends like a best friend. Has your son moved to a new school or neighborhood or has a close friend moved away recently? My son compares all his friendships to super tight friendships he had with kids who he was in daycare with for years.

[Anonymous]

I would start by asking him what he means by "friend" That might help you.

[Anonymous]

My kindergarten son is saying the same thing, and I witnessed the opposite as you did. I am pretty sure I've figured out what he means is "No one wants to play what I want to play every single time. When they refuse me, I'd rather sit out than play what they want to play."

We're working on this.

[Anonymous]

The first thing you do is empathize - "It must be really hard to feel like you have no friends." Then in a calmer moment, talk about what he thinks a friend is and point out the interactions you saw that make you think he does have friends. (It's a cognitive distortion that he doesn't have friends, so lead him through the evidence that it's incorrect.) And then, come up with action items for him to take to improve his friendships - invite one kid over for a play date, etc.

[Anonymous]

My son says this too, but I think it means the other kids don't want to play his way all the time because he is bossy.

I also think it is because his friends like him more than he likes them. No real best friend.

[Anonymous]

I think 6 is an age of high insecurity - "You don't love me, Mom", and "I have no friends." I wouldn't make a big deal of it. "Oh, you don't have any friends? I thought I saw you having a good time with X and Y." and leave it at that. Don't go overboard reassuring, keep it light. And if he keeps repeating it, ignore or redirect. If you indulge his tendency for insecurity (not him, but all kids this age), you just teach him that he'll get attention that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first thing you do is empathize - "It must be really hard to feel like you have no friends." Then in a calmer moment, talk about what he thinks a friend is and point out the interactions you saw that make you think he does have friends. (It's a cognitive distortion that he doesn't have friends, so lead him through the evidence that it's incorrect.) And then, come up with action items for him to take to improve his friendships - invite one kid over for a play date, etc.

this seems like micromanaging to me. kids don't need this much hand-holding. just give some reassurance and let him learn to comfort himself. clearly he'll learn that he has friends. no need to step in and give him an action plan. what's described above is textbook helicopter parenting, PP, keep an eye out.

[Anonymous]

OP here. After thinking more about what I saw today, plus reflecting on our conversations, this is what I think is going on: there's a group of boys who are very athletic and whose friendships with each other have been cemented through team sports (which DS has no interest in). Plus, they are much more physically capable than he is, which affects how they play on the playground. These are the boys that DS would like to be friends with, but they don't have much interest in him (they aren't mean to him, as far as I can tell, they just like each other more than they like him). I think it's human nature to see rejection more clearly than he sees the warm feelings of the quieter boys in the class.

DS was enthusiastic about having a playdate with one of the quieter boys that he engaged with a lot during the field trip.

[Anonymous]

Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions. The best thing you can do is help kids think through their own problems by asking questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask questions, ask questions, ask questions. The best thing you can do is help kids think through their own problems by asking questions.

That's a good reminder that I don't need to solve anything for him. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After thinking more about what I saw today, plus reflecting on our conversations, this is what I think is going on: there's a group of boys who are very athletic and whose friendships with each other have been cemented through team sports (which DS has no interest in). Plus, they are much more physically capable than he is, which affects how they play on the playground. These are the boys that DS would like to be friends with, but they don't have much interest in him (they aren't mean to him, as far as I can tell, they just like each other more than they like him). I think it's human nature to see rejection more clearly than he sees the warm feelings of the quieter boys in the class.

DS was enthusiastic about having a playdate with one of the quieter boys that he engaged with a lot during the field trip.

This sounds like my son to a T...except he is 6 and in first grade (summer birthday). He seems happy bu doesn't have a social group because he is not athletic or interested in sports and he is smaller and younger than most of his classmates. Academically, he is doing great in 1st grade so I'm not redshirting him because of social things. Working on it....we should get our sons together!

[Anonymous]

I would start inviting a couple of the kids he feels comfortable around for play dates. That will help with bonding. When it's your son's bday don't hesitate to invite many of the boys to his birthday party, as this lead to invitations in return.