How to accept when SO withdraws and "needs space"

[Anonymous]

I'm in a LTR, we're both in our 40s, divorced, each with kids. We don't live together. We see each other on weekends, sometimes during the week, and it's barely enough physical contact from my perspective. He's a strong introvert, I'm an extrovert. We both have demanding but flexible, good jobs, and we're both the primary parent to our respective kids. It's a lot but I seem to find this more manageable. He's exhausted by it.

We just had a relationship talk after an issue came up. Overall it went well, up until the end when he said he needs some time alone for his mental health and to process. This weekend was going to be our first full weekend together in a month, and due to respective schedules, we can't spend a weekend together for several more weeks. We were going to spend today (Friday) together and he canceled our day and evening plans. He wants to get together tomorrow (Sat) and we'll now have only one night together. It's now been weeks since we've been physically intimate.

I'm trying to understand this but it's hurtful.

[Anonymous]

What did he say when you told him this?

[Anonymous]

1) Don't take it personally. He's an introvert.

2) Just because you shouldn't take it personally, doesn't mean you should put up with it. You guys are a bad fit. Will always be a bad fit. You will always be trying to be patient. He will always feel like you are pushing for more togetherness. Cut your losses and move on. Find someone more compatible.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this might be the start of his exit plan. I would start preparing to mentally disengage and refocus on something else in your life.

[Anonymous]

He said that he loves me but "needs some time alone for [his] mental health." He said that he is angry and defensive about the things we discussed and needs to sort it out.

[Anonymous]

Agree with both pps. You are a bad fit and it seems that he may have already figured that out.

Sorry, op.

[Anonymous]

Love is not enough. Compatibility is half the battle. You guys are not compatible.

[Anonymous]

Guys usually need to withdraw to process their feelings, where women usually need to talk them through. I wouldn't quit the relationship based on this alone, but in your shoes I'd see how the next few months go and if you guys aren't progressing, it may be time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He said that he loves me but "needs some time alone for [his] mental health." He said that he is angry and defensive about the things we discussed and needs to sort it out.

Was the discussion very unpleasant?

[Anonymous]

Is he seeing someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said that he loves me but "needs some time alone for [his] mental health." He said that he is angry and defensive about the things we discussed and needs to sort it out.

Was the discussion very unpleasant?

It wasn't a horrible fight, but it wasn't easy. He was being fairly hard on himself and was angry. As he says, his first reaction to a tough situation is just anger and then he has to sort through the real feelings underneath.

[Anonymous]

You were not satisfied with the amount of time you got before the conversation and now it will be less. He's not wrong to ask for space, but you are not wrong for deciding not to accept it and moving on.

[Anonymous]

Do you guys ever spend quiet together time? My DH is the extrovert, I am the introvert. When I need quiet and he needs togetherness, for example, we go on a long hike or walk. I will tell him ahead of time that I don't want to talk much, just enjoy the activity and scenery. He respects that. I get my quiet, and he gets togetherness.
When you are together, do you ever just let him be, or do you need constant interaction? Do you respect who he is or do you think being an extrovert is superior?

An extrovert gets their energy FROM other people. It's almost like taking the energy charge away from someone who is an introvert. You could just be too much for him.

It sounds like he is trying to compromise, but if you can't just let him be, then I agree you guys are incompatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Don't take it personally. He's an introvert.

2) Just because you shouldn't take it personally, doesn't mean you should put up with it. You guys are a bad fit. Will always be a bad fit. You will always be trying to be patient. He will always feel like you are pushing for more togetherness. Cut your losses and move on. Find someone more compatible.

This is me as a female introvert. I would hope however that I'd love my partner enough to want to live with them. Seeing my SO one week a month is something I reserve for my BFFs not my lovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He said that he loves me but "needs some time alone for [his] mental health." He said that he is angry and defensive about the things we discussed and needs to sort it out.

Yeah sorry. You guys are too different. Prepare for breakup.