Bar Mitzvah gift

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I will be adult guests at a Bar Mitzvah. We have not been to one before. What sort of gift and of what value is customary?

[Anonymous]

The most common gift is money. There is a tradition to give it in multiples of $18 because the Hebrew letter signifying 18 is also the first letter of the word for "life" but that is by no means a requirement. It could be cash, check, or savings bond. Families frequently save the money for the child's college tuition.

Most places you can buy cards sell a couple of Bar Mitzvah ones. In DC, Target and Harris Teeter seem to have the best selections.

As for value, that really depends on (most importantly) your budget, how well you know the family and child, and what social circles you travel in. I attended a bar mitzvah where I know the mom somewhat and the kid not at all, and it was an informal lunch reception after the service. We gave a check for $36. Then we went to an event at a catering hall in NYC for a (not super close) relative and we gave $72. If you wanted to split the difference, go to a bank and get a new $50 bill which might be cool for the kid to see.

If you don't want to give cash, a gift card to a place the family enjoys would be nice. If you don't know, stubhub offers gift cards that can be used for sporting events or concerts. It seems like every boy likes wearing Nike and Under Armour but I don't know if they do gift cards. Other options include a nice watch, wallet, or pen but I think cash is the easiest especially if you don't know the kid's taste.

Ultimately, what you give or the amount is not the most important part. The goal is to celebrate with the family at a momentous occasion in their son's life. They certainly wanted you there because you were invited, and I hope you find it interesting and fun!

[Anonymous]

Money. Multiples of $18. I never give less than $100 per person in my family attending.

[Anonymous]

Great. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I've only been to one and it was 20 years ago. It was my boss' child and the event cost more than my wedding, from the looks of it. I think I gave $100 or $150 or maybe even $200 because it was a big shindig, even though I was poor as heck. I had asked my Jewish aquaintances at the time, and they also said nothing under $100.

[Anonymous]

What's your relationship to the parents of the child?

[Anonymous]

If the host family is rich enough to throw a party more expensive than a wedding, and to invite people who they know (or should know) have less money than they do, then there is no reason for their less-well-off guests to scrape up more than they feel comfortable giving. A gift is a gift. It's not the price of admission and it's not meant to cover what they spend to have you there. They want you there. If they wanted to spend less they would have spent less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I will be adult guests at a Bar Mitzvah. We have not been to one before. What sort of gift and of what value is customary?

Answers will vary with your income. Be careful about advice here, since some comes from the very well-to-do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only been to one and it was 20 years ago. It was my boss' child and the event cost more than my wedding, from the looks of it. I think I gave $100 or $150 or maybe even $200 because it was a big shindig, even though I was poor as heck. I had asked my Jewish aquaintances at the time, and they also said nothing under $100.

Wow. That was unduly extravagant and vaguely unethical for your boss to accept such a big gift from someone he pays poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money. Multiples of $18. I never give less than $100 per person in my family attending.

This is very high. If my child is invited to a friend's I treat it like a b day gift 50$. 35 if we don't know them well. . For a code family friend where we are all invited then I give more.

[Anonymous]

We just hosted a bat mitzvah about a month ago. Most people did give money, though some gave beautiful gifts, some gave lovely thoughtful cards, and some gave nothing at all. We did not care one iota who gave what. Any gift our daughter received was appreciated and lovely but ultimately not the point of the day.

Op, people who gave money usually did give in multiples of 18 though some did not. She received between 36 and 108 from friends and from 54 and up from couples and families. I have a vague sense of how much she got from relatives and I memory at all of how much she got from individual guests. My point is that you should give what feels right and not worry about doing anything in particular. Anything you give is lovely and will be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

That should read "no memory at all"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the host family is rich enough to throw a party more expensive than a wedding, and to invite people who they know (or should know) have less money than they do, then there is no reason for their less-well-off guests to scrape up more than they feel comfortable giving. A gift is a gift. It's not the price of admission and it's not meant to cover what they spend to have you there. They want you there. If they wanted to spend less they would have spent less.

Agreed. It's a religious milestone, not a money grab. They invited you to share their joy. Give whatever is comfortable for you.