Should we feel guilty?

[Anonymous]

I think we may have made a mistake by allowing my parents almost full access to the kids over the summer. We told them it would be different once school started, but now we are getting the guilt trip - and sort of feeling guilty.

My parents have been out of town on a leisure trip for almost two weeks. They are back now and guilt tripping us because they "need" the kids for an overnight. When I told them that this upcoming weekend won't work (kids have a Halloween activity most of the day Sat, and then plans with two other families Sun), and the following weekend won't work (we are going away), and that an overnight isn't looking possible until November, we got major guilt.

Are we wrong? Are they wrong?

[Anonymous]

They are wrong. Don't sweat it. A want is not a need.

[Anonymous]

Now is the crucial time to put up the boundaries, OP--don't cave in--because school is an acceptable "fence" to work with. If you flake now, you will have a harder time using school as an excuse in the future.

You need to stay strong and your parents will learn that there is "summer access" and "school access" and that these are different levels of access.

And I do't know how old your kids are, but as they get older, schooltime becomes much more involved, so better they learn now than later.

[Anonymous]

I am getting the guilt trip for something similar by my sister and my mom. Now, my mom is nuts, so I don't care. My teen DD spent the summer with them, but mostly with my sister, her aunt, who has no kids. She is a great aunt and took her to many fancy trips and such, they had a great time. Now, I am getting texts that DD(in high school) is not texting her, not calling her, she forgot all about her.... I pointed out that they are in completely different time zones, DD is in school all day long and heck sister, which aunt did you call when you were a teen exactly? She didn't, ever, I was the one more involved with our aunts when we were teens.The she replied, that I can't compare her to any aunt, she is special and does everything for my DD. I felt like I was talking to another teen and not a successful, professional adult woman. Now I just ignore, my kids are not their toys. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Anonymous]

They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

I would generally agree with you,but it is not so simple. I am not OP. My DS has anxiety and my DD loves socializing so much that everything else doesn't matter and my parents and other family members rile up the kids so much and kids don't get much sleep that during the school days it causes huge stress from homework not being done, kids being tired and cranky, yes, teens will be cranky more than toddlers. It makes the next few days a disaster to cope with. Grandpa is on a different schedule and considers going to bed at 3am normal and will tell me, kids are resilient so what if they woke up at 6am and got no sleep, they are young and I can't sleep before that time. Then, there is the whole fall out with the kids, on how I am overeating that they went to bed at 3am on a school night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

And you're right! Except, this request interferes with the children's schedules. OP said it would work next month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

Shut up. The grandparents are acting like jerks and concerned with their own wants, not what's helpful for the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

Shut up. The grandparents are acting like jerks and concerned with their own wants, not what's helpful for the grandkids.

I'm sure the parents LOVE it when they need their help, but HATE it when it doesn't perfectly fit their schedule. Surely there is room to meet in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

Shut up. The grandparents are acting like jerks and concerned with their own wants, not what's helpful for the grandkids.

I'm sure your ILs love your upbeat attitude.

[Anonymous]

Cut them off completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

Shut up. The grandparents are acting like jerks and concerned with their own wants, not what's helpful for the grandkids
Really? A close relationship with grands is great but relationships are a two way street. The parents should try to work something out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They "need" the kids for an overnight, and you're complaining?

Oh, to have your problems.

Shut up. The grandparents are acting like jerks and concerned with their own wants, not what's helpful for the grandkids.

I'm sure the parents LOVE it when they need their help, but HATE it when it doesn't perfectly fit their schedule. Surely there is room to meet in the middle.

OP here. So our children should cancel their plans with their friends, and we should cancel our weekend away so that they can visit? My parents weren't in any hurry to cancel their plans to see the kids! I have it down on our calendar for the first weekend in November.

And for the record, if my parents can't watch our kids if we need them to, we make other arrangements. We don't guilt trip them.

[Anonymous]

As much as I would kill to have family nearby so I can have one night off, this is out of bounds. They can't demand that you throw off your schedule for an overnight. It's unreasonable.

Just like the kids get extra perks and flexibility over the summer, so do your kids grandparents. Summer is over. We all like the extra travel and leisure time over the summer, but now we are back to reality. The grandparents have to be too.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, no. You don't get to go out of town and then demand everyone change their schedule to accommodate what you want to do now. I wouldn't budge on that. I'd tell them they are more than welcome to the kids when they don't have a weekend activity.