I believe my brother is being abused, but not sure how to approach him

[Anonymous]

The issue is we were estranged for many years, because when he came out my parents/our family disowned him. I was child at the time. I only recently ( February) got in touch with him and that was after a 1 year separation. We've only been meeting in person since summer.
I think he is in an abusive relationship because I've noticed things like bruising on him. My BIL is also very cold and seems controlling, at first I thought this was just his attitude towards me because I was representative of the family that hurt my brother, but he's not kind to my brother either. I'v witnessed him putting my brother down and not speaking respectfully of him. Then there is how my brother has to ask permission to see me. When he is with me BIL constantly calls and texts, he has waited outside in the car before, and my brother will often abruptly cancel our meetings or cut them short if BIL calls.

Yesterday, I was able to see brother , at his house, which is new because until yesterday that had been off limits. Anyway I walked in on BIL and brother shouting at each other and to me it looked like BIL would have hit my brother had I not walked in.

I have yet to confront my brother with any of this because our relationship is very new and I fear he will end things and be gone from my life. I also think he won't take it well because he ha been with BIL for years, and BIL was there when I and my family weren't.

At the same time, I love my brother very much and I don't want him to be hurt.

There is also a young child to consider.

Thoughts on how I can approach him.

[Anonymous]

Whose child?

[Anonymous]

I think if you make it clear that you care about him and want to be his sister no matter what, you can flat out ask him if BIL is abusive. Even if he denies it, you can tell him he can always confide in you or ask for help. I imagine your brother likely struggles with low self esteem or fears of being alone due to being abandoned by his family. Showing that you love him and won't abandon him will help him trust you and open up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whose child?

My brother and his husband's child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you make it clear that you care about him and want to be his sister no matter what, you can flat out ask him if BIL is abusive. Even if he denies it, you can tell him he can always confide in you or ask for help. I imagine your brother likely struggles with low self esteem or fears of being alone due to being abandoned by his family. Showing that you love him and won't abandon him will help him trust you and open up.

I'm certain he does, and I can't imagine how much hurt he has dealt with.I am willing to support him in whatever way I can. I'm not going to abandon him, I just worry that he'll cut of contact with me.

[Anonymous]

I think I would offer help, but not be direct about the suspected abuse. I would say something like "I am so sorry about how our parents treated you. You mean so much to me and I'm so happy to have you in my life. I couldn't be there for you before because I was just a kid, but I'm here for you now. If you and [child] ever need anything or need a place to stay, you are always welcome with me-no questions asked." After that, I'd give him a chance to respond, but just follow his lead. If he changes the subject, it's okay, at least he knows you are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whose child?

My brother and his husband's child.

How old?

[Anonymous]

If you witness actual abuse or the evidence of it, call police to document it. Yes, i know , it's early for that, but just a reminder.
As for bro, be loving, supportive, ask questions, offer help, offer support, ask if van call you when he is ready to get out. Start reading up on battered syndrome. Educate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you are concerned about him, that you are there for him, if he needs anything, you'll be there to help him. No matter what.

Yes to what the PP said, read up, educate yourself. Be a constant, non-judgemental presence.

This is tough. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

This must be heartbreaking to witness. I second what others say. Do everything to keep contact and an open ear to him. It's likely your brother is afraid to lose access to the child if he left, and the abusive partner may be threatening that. Also find out if he's financially free i.e not being held hostage which might also be keeping him there.

Because of the signs of physical abuse, he may need help urgently. Do you know any of his close friends who can help intervene?

I also found myself estranged from family and in an abusive marriage (no kids)... was only abused for a year yet it was so soul crushing and completely destroyed my sense of self-esteem and reality. I was seriously suicidal. It must be much worse for him after so long. Do not cease contact even if he pushes you away in a hurtful manner. Keep checking in gently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would offer help, but not be direct about the suspected abuse. I would say something like "I am so sorry about how our parents treated you. You mean so much to me and I'm so happy to have you in my life. I couldn't be there for you before because I was just a kid, but I'm here for you now. If you and [child] ever need anything or need a place to stay, you are always welcome with me-no questions asked." After that, I'd give him a chance to respond, but just follow his lead. If he changes the subject, it's okay, at least he knows you are there.

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