Emotional intimacy versus physical intimacy

[Anonymous]

In a committed relationship but feeling a lack of emotional intimacy. I'm not feeling very loved and trying to figure out why that is. Feel like we don't talk very often, feel like I'm going through things or having feelings that he's unaware of. We don't speak daily and are not having conversations about what's happening more than a couple times a week. Generally feeling like he's not very engaged or concerned about my life. When he does ask it seems like he asked just because he knows he should. We both have very busy lives but the relationship is just feeling very emotionally distant. I've often heard that men cannot experience emotional intimacy unless the physical intimacy is there first. Is it unrealistic to ask for emotional intimacy when the physical intimacy has not been particularly strong (physical limitations)? Or is the guy just not that into me?

[Anonymous]

It is true for men that emotional intimacy follows physical intimacy. If you are not having sex, don't expect him to feel emotionally connected to you. And, note to all wives, if you stop having sex, he will stop feeling emotionally connected to you.

It is possible that for some reason he does not think you are receptive to emotional intimacy, and maybe he feels like he has tried and been rejected.

[Anonymous]

Is this relationship an extramarital affair, OP?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by physical limitations to physical intimacy? Are you saying you've never had sex? Or that you can only have infrequent sex due to some physical issue?

As a man, I can tell you that if I were only dating somebody (ie, not married) and there was some major issue preventing us from having a satisfying sex life, this would be a dealbreaker to continuing in an exclusive romantic relationship with her. I could be her close friend, a supportive friend, but if we can't also be "lovers" then I would definitely need somebody else in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is true for men that emotional intimacy follows physical intimacy. If you are not having sex, don't expect him to feel emotionally connected to you. And, note to all wives, if you stop having sex, he will stop feeling emotionally connected to you.

It is possible that for some reason he does not think you are receptive to emotional intimacy, and maybe he feels like he has tried and been rejected.

This +1000.

It's just how it is with men.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound like a live relationship, OP. If you have neither physical or emotional intimacy, there's not much there. I think most adult relationships involve contact every day of some sort - if you are adults and looking for a long term thing, yet don't talk every day ... yeah, not much there to build on.

[Anonymous]

We just went about 50 days without having sex. I didn't feel like I was emotionally distant from my wife, but following sex, I realize that I was actually very emotionally disconnected. Past couple of days, I've felt much closer to her.

Just one datapoint.

[Anonymous]

This can't be 100% true or DHs would be more likely to jump ship after an affair. I mean, how long can you stay with a wife when you are disconnected like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This can't be 100% true or DHs would be more likely to jump ship after an affair. I mean, how long can you stay with a wife when you are disconnected like that?

I know a guy who hasn't slept with his wife in four years. I think some guys find it really hard to leave a dead marriage. They don't want to look like the bad guy, or miss out on half their kids' lives. This is why people cheat. Fill the missing void with as little life disruption as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can't be 100% true or DHs would be more likely to jump ship after an affair. I mean, how long can you stay with a wife when you are disconnected like that?

I know a guy who hasn't slept with his wife in four years. I think some guys find it really hard to leave a dead marriage. They don't want to look like the bad guy, or miss out on half their kids' lives. This is why people cheat. Fill the missing void with as little life disruption as possible.

I get not wanting to leave your kids. But. Their intimacy needs work.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you talk everyday? That seems like a basic first step to building emotional intimacy. DH and I talked/texted daily all through dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk everyday? That seems like a basic first step to building emotional intimacy. DH and I talked/texted daily all through dating.

About anything in particular? I have a lot of people I talk to every day, but I'm not all that emotionally close to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk everyday? That seems like a basic first step to building emotional intimacy. DH and I talked/texted daily all through dating.

Because OP and her BF are having an affair.

[Anonymous]

You can't have real intimacy without sex...and you must have sex regularly (multiple times a week). AND, you must be in a committed relationship and live together. Sharing a bed every night creates intimacy...as does eating together, cooking together, brushing your teeth together, etc.

Dating doesn't produce real intimacy. And affairs are just meaningless sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you talk everyday? That seems like a basic first step to building emotional intimacy. DH and I talked/texted daily all through dating.

About anything in particular? I have a lot of people I talk to every day, but I'm not all that emotionally close to them.

About all the usual stuff you would talk to a romantic partner about? Weird question. Of course you can talk to someone every day and not be emotionally intimate with them. My point is that it's hard to be emotionally intimate with someone when you DON'T talk every day. It's the most basic way to maintain your connection, especially when physical connection isn't happening.