Depression post-diagnosis

[Anonymous]

My DS was recently diagnosed as being on the ASD, ADHD, SPD, and having a potential reading problem. I am glad that we found out at a young age so we can tap into the benefits of early intervention, though am overwhelmed by all of the therapies we need (OT, PT, Speech, Social Skills group), and a potential aggressive GFCF diet (rather then drugs). To be honest I am depressed by it all, and feel guilty about wanting my DS to be "normal", and for us not to have so many interventions to seek normalcy. DH is in denial, and is letting me take care of things. Did anyone have this issue? Or am I just really terrible?

[Anonymous]

Your feelings are very normal. Unfortunately, so is your DH's denial. You may find that you cycle through denial/anger/depression/acceptance/bargaining, etc. for a long time -- maybe for years. It's all part of the special needs journey.

[Anonymous]

I've been there. The devastation I felt immediately following diagnosis (PDDNOS) was paralyzing. It was compounded by the fact that we lived in DC and weren't getting any help from EI. And we couldn't afford to do much on our own for our DS.

It gets better. Especially as you begin to focus on the interventions. Welcome whatever you get. And try to look at the upside of the diagnosis--you get all this help. The stats seem to show that the more help you get, the better your child's life will be.

You and your husband might benefit from time away on your own--time to grieve, to honestly share your feelings with each other, to have a safe place to admit your fears and worries.

Try also reading books about people who've been there. I particularly loved "Send in the Idiots"--though I can't remember the author. He profiles four or five of his peers from childhood. All of them (inc. author) have autism. It gave me a bit of hope about the future of my son.

[Anonymous]

I'm going through this too. My DD was just diagnosed with multiple delays and I too am feeling overwhelmed by all of the intervention ahead. When we go to the park and I see other "typical children" her age, it really hits home that she is different and it pains my heart, and then I feel guilty for these feelings.

[Anonymous]

Your reaction is totally normal and very common. I allow myself to wallow in the misery of it all for a while, then, I take a deep breath and keep going. I second what PP suggested about your and your DH getting away by yourself when you can - both as a couple and individually. It's easy to get caught up in stuff and not nuture your relationship. I've found that how I'm feeling about the relationship with my DH has a big influence on my ability to keep the household running (just to clarify, DH and I both work FT and we've got 3 kids age 6 and under. Say what you want, the key to the household is "mama" and if "mama" ain't happy, no one is happy).

If you haven't already, find some online support groups and join some local groups. I've been to a couple of CHADD (an ADHD group) meetings/lectures and found them very encouraging. Part of it is that while 2 of my DSs have challenges, they will be sucessful because of the interventions. It will be more challenging than for parents with "normal" kids but they will find satisfaction, independence and be able to contribute. Is there a better way to define success?

Also, this might sound weird, have you seen America's Next Top Model? A few cycles ago, there was a girl with an Asperger's diagnosis and ADHD (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heather_Kuzmich). Of course, she wasn't like the other girls, some of the other girls weren't very nice to her (but every cycle there's at least a couple girls that get picked on) but she took incredible photos and, I think, really did a good job on showing that these diagnoses aren't the end of the world. Little by little, as mainstream people become aware of these disorders and know someone with them, a little more of the stigma gets removed. Believe me, I sometimes lose sight of that in the day-to-day but when I see or hear a post like yours and think back to when it was confirmed our kids weren't normal, I see how far I've come and how far I've brought the people around me - as well as my kids. Your DH, I hope, will come too. It took mine a while and he's not as up on it as I am but at least we're in it together. Oh - after our oldest was diagnosed with ADHD, DH sought his own evaluation and got his own diagnosis of ADHD. It really has made him more insightful to his own difficulties growing up and he's really identified with DS on it.

Allow yourself to wallow for a while it it helps you! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

The faster you get involved with an intervention you feel good about, the better you will feel. And you will be amazed at how joyful you will feel with the step by step progress.

It is devastating at first, but once you get everything in place, you will find some peace. You may want to take your emotional energy and get involved with an organization such as Autism Speaks, or Autism Society. You can use the same energy for feeling helpless, and instead get to work, so that you can feel hope.

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with very similar issues right now. It's as if you are grieving for the child you thought you were going to have. At some point, it will be time to move on and focus on the child in front of you and helping him/her become the person s/he is meant to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am struggling with very similar issues right now. It's as if you are grieving for the child you thought you were going to have. At some point, it will be time to move on and focus on the child in front of you and helping him/her become the person s/he is meant to be.

Really well put.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other posters that your feelings are perfectly normal -- and okay. Don't beat yourself up over it. In fact, for the depression, consider anti-depressants. I took them for a couple of years after my son's diagnosis, until I had my act together emotionally.

One of the things that helped me the most was hanging out with other moms who'd been where I was already and moved on. It helped me see that this whole thing has stages or phases that you go through, and to understand that I'd grow past my current feelings, too.

A sense of humor is invaluable.

And one of the things that I came to appreciate very deeply was the commitment and passion of people who choose to help kids with special needs for a living. Some very awesome people are going to come into your life that you would not have met otherwise. Keep your eyes and heart open for them.

And don't feel guilty about what you think you are not doing, or not doing well enough of. Just do the best you can at the moment, and if you're not coping, give yourself some space and forgiveness. You can't do everything at once. Pick one or two things that seem most important to you at that time and focus on those.

And as for your husband, well, everyone deals with stuff like this differently. Let him be, but do share how you feel so that you keep the lines of communication open. Dates with your husband and VERY important. Don't neglect each other. Be best friends if you can.

Keep posting. We moms with special needs kids know what you are going through. We'll be here for you.

[Anonymous]

it seems that most of us had the same sort of reaction at the beginning, I did feel much better once we started an aggressive early intervention plan, and now at about 8 months into, I'm exhausted. I need a booster, and I do not mean to be negative here, my DC is doing very well and we have wonderful people helping us, but is so much work and the days go so fast. my DH works long hours and he tries to help as much as he can, he is wonderful, he really is, very devoted and here I'm whining! but lately I just feel like there is a huge load on my shoulders, it must be depression, I just do not know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it seems that most of us had the same sort of reaction at the beginning, I did feel much better once we started an aggressive early intervention plan, and now at about 8 months into, I'm exhausted. I need a booster, and I do not mean to be negative here, my DC is doing very well and we have wonderful people helping us, but is so much work and the days go so fast. my DH works long hours and he tries to help as much as he can, he is wonderful, he really is, very devoted and here I'm whining! but lately I just feel like there is a huge load on my shoulders, it must be depression, I just do not know.

Totally understandable! That's one of the reasons it's so important for you to take time for yourself. You really keep things running and every now and then your engine needs a tune up. It is a lot of work, don't let anyone try and minimize how exhausting it can be. FWIW, I mostly live in the moment anymore which, if you knew me, is not like me at all. I may not have known what I wanted in the future but I knew the direction I was heading. Now, I'm just focused on getting to the next appointment and hoping I remembered to set the timer on the washer so I'll have clothes to put in the dryer when I get back. Ugh! But, it's okay. It's not what I had planned but I try to remember that when it comes to the important things in life, I really am rich. Deep breaths!