What does it mean to work on your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Years ago my wife had a sexting affair with some guy from her home town. She was obsessed with this guy and lied to me constantly about contacting him. Eventually it ended and she told the counselor that she wanted to work on the marriage. Also, the counselor and my wife explained that it wasn't real for her and she was just living a fantasy. To her credit, it was out of character.

I have never gotten over that. To me, that sounds like you really don't want to be in the relationship. Like it's a chore and she would rather be doing other things. Deep down I feel like I am with somebody that doesn't want to be with me.


Help me out here. What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

What tells you that she does want to be with you? Anything?

[Anonymous]

Working on a marriage means actively being aware of things you are doing to contribute to the good parts or cause problems and taking steps to improve. It means paying attention instead of just coasting and existing like so many people do. I definitely wouldn't interpret working on the relationship as meaning she doesn't want to be with you, quite the opposite in fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Working on a marriage means actively being aware of things you are doing to contribute to the good parts or cause problems and taking steps to improve. It means paying attention instead of just coasting and existing like so many people do. I definitely wouldn't interpret working on the relationship as meaning she doesn't want to be with you, quite the opposite in fact.

Agree. Working on the marriage means stuff like instead of practicing avoidant behavior, you actually set aside your discomfort and work through issues to get them resolved. You let go of distractions (whatever they might be) and redirect that focus to your spouse so you can reconnect. It's a good thing and it does show she wants to be with you.