has anyone had marriage counseling work?

[Anonymous]

Husband has anger problems and cannot deal like a normal person would after an argument or flies into a rage when trying to normally discipline a child. He goes into withdrawal mode and immediately goes into a bizarre separation and divorce scenario. Then I try to patch it up and bring him back down to earth, while for days he gives me the cold shoulder and literally pretends I don't exist in the same room, with a house with two small kids who feel the horrible vibe and ask if daddy is going to leave the house forever. Then he will return to normal and things will proceed fine for months. Then something will set him off again, same cycle . Meanwhile, it is almost physically impossible for him to accept any responsibility for his wacko behavior. Married a decade. Is there any hope for him in marriage counseling? Do people like this ever change? Hoping to hear from people who have had success one term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband has anger problems and cannot deal like a normal person would after an argument or flies into a rage when trying to normally discipline a child. He goes into withdrawal mode and immediately goes into a bizarre separation and divorce scenario. Then I try to patch it up and bring him back down to earth, while for days he gives me the cold shoulder and literally pretends I don't exist in the same room, with a house with two small kids who feel the horrible vibe and ask if daddy is going to leave the house forever. Then he will return to normal and things will proceed fine for months. Then something will set him off again, same cycle . Meanwhile, it is almost physically impossible for him to accept any responsibility for his wacko behavior. Married a decade. Is there any hope for him in marriage counseling? Do people like this ever change? Hoping to hear from people who have had success one term.

op here that is supposed to end "success with this", not " one term"...auto correct...

[Anonymous]

Yes - it worked for my marriage. But first your husband has to address his issue. For us, my husband first had to address his severe anxiety and then we could together address all the damage it had done to our marriage. It took me walking out and being done for him to finally get the help the individual help he needed. I did not think our marriage could be this good.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he needs individual counseling too and possibly meds. is he bipolar, or history of depression? Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here- He's hyper all the time, like going, going, going, all the time, and then when something like an argument that sets him off comes up, he turns completely silent and morose and treats me like a pariah for days, a week at a time. I don't know enough about bipolar to say if that is what he has, but I know his reaction really isn't a normal reaction/behavior at all. He is not on medication, never been on medication, is refusing to go to marriage counseling. Has never been to counseling of any kind. After so long together, I am coming to the end of my rope with this super predictable cycle. It seems so absurd and ridiculous to me. I just want someone who is even-keeled and normal. I am sure he would never take any kind of mood stabilizers.

[Anonymous]

How is his diet and exercise?

[Anonymous]

My husband can be like this too, minus the hyperactivity. He is a very good and involved dad, but he gets ticked off by things that I don't mind, wants to fight all the parenting battles, and generally is just of a different and more agitated mindset than I am. He bottles up his frustration until something that isn't such a big deal sets him off, and then he needs space. He doesn't demand divorce, but has said before that he thinks we do not work well as a parenting team through no one's fault. It sucks.

I don't know if counseling would help, so much as to realize that you two are going to be different that the space he requires, even if it's for a day, is something you might consider giving him without catastrophizing it? I've learned to do this and it helps. If DH has to sulk in his office for an evening because dinner was really rough, so be it.

Is he really hating parenting? This is often how dads behave when they feel like they're trying and immersed in something really sucky. It's just too much and moms don't understand because they find their kids universally adorable.

Also, yes, consider depression? Is he open to that?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. Your question in the subject line isn't totally relevant if he won't go to counseling or admit that there is any problem

This sounds incredibly difficult for children to live with. If he won't change, you have to decide if you and the kids can/should live with it.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of my DH somewhat. Mine threatened divorce but didn't follow through. He goes to individual counseling but refuses to go together. I try to focus on myself and let his behavior lie with him. I used to blame myself but it's clearly his problem.

[Anonymous]

Mine would go straight to divorce too. For years. Until finally I had enough and just shouted back at him, "GOOD! When can we make that happen? I will have less laundry, less cooking, fewer things to manage. I won't have to put up with your bullshit and I will have a week off at a time! Sounds like a plan! SIGN ME UP!!"

He has never spoken those words again during a fight.

[Anonymous]

No. DH blamed everything on me. Took no responsibility for anything. He's mentally ill.