Tween DD is perfect at school but at home is out of control

[Anonymous]

My 10 year old DD is very aggressive towards her 6 year old sister. She hits her for sport all the time, says mean things to her constantly about how she is stupid and a loser, intentionally hurts her belongings.

I am at my wit's end - every time I send her to her room she trashes it, asks me to hit her, writes long diatribes about what a horrible person she is and that she should die.

She is in therapy, but I am wondering if anyone has had success with curbing aggression in children, esp toward siblings.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Have you told the therapist how you're handling it so far and asked what she or he suggests? That should be your first step.

[Anonymous]

Could it be a response to holding it together all day at school and mean girls?

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter have an anxiety disorder? This would cause her to be perfectly behaved at school, but lash out at one person who she feels is weaker than her. This is done out of insecurity and to release the pent up anxiety pressure. Just wondering.

[Anonymous]

What are her outlets? Does she ride a bike, play an instrument - she sounds like she needs something to focus on and expend her energy (or one of the other).

I was the most horrible 10 year old ever. I threw a pair of scissors at my mom as she was leaving my room and they stuck in the door, behind her.

Things do improve, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Yup sounds like my son used to be and he has anxiety. Not that it makes it ok, but is her sister bothering her when she comes home? My son needs a lot of time to recover from holding it together at school. He comes home and puts on headphones and does the computer until he feels like he can deal with people again. The good news is his capacity for handling things has gotten much better with age and he is fine at home now (but also had therapy).

[Anonymous]

OP here, she definitely is a tense, anxious kid. That is why she is in therapy, also to help with developing social skills as she is introverted.

Therapy has not helped with her aggression issues at all. I am wondering if medication is an option to help her calm down.

[Anonymous]

OP, our child sounds a lot like yours, now a few years older. I second the advice for exercise and playing an instrument (at least they're good for our kid).

[Anonymous]

I would suggest gymnastics if she is short. They will absolutely exhaust her, but at the same time teach her strategy about how to back up and regroup when faced with difficulties. There are some aspects about organized sports that I really appreciate and I hated all ten years my DD spent doing this. Some of the benefits last a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Boarding school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boarding school!

Great solution! Then she can hit your kid instead of mine.

[Anonymous]

I found this book helpful:

https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451

[Anonymous]

She is talking about hurting herself and trashes her room. I honestly think this is above most of our knowledge here. You need to get a much better therapist if yours isn't helping. This sounds more serious than most anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I really think you need a specific session with the therapist and tell Her you need to address this issue. For us, a casual in passing usually gets in passing answers. When you say your dd thrashes her room, what does she do? Does she just messes them up or breaks things.

Ours started cutting herself, her favourite sweaters, scribbled all over her favourite books & cut them up,
Chewed on her old DS screen till It broke and leaked ,
slashed the drywall behind her dresser. She would want to do damage but yet hide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told the therapist how you're handling it so far and asked what she or he suggests? That should be your first step.

+1,000

OP, please see the therapist about this ASAP. I would not wait until your DD's next scheduled session--tell the therapist first thing Monday that you and he or she need to speak immediately. Do not mince words or soften details. The current therapy may not be working and increasing it or finding other help needs to be an immediate priority.

A friend of my DD was much like your daughter including the physical lashing out and "I should die" talk/writing (while getting therapy) and a new doctor quickly determined that much more help was needed, without delay. As in more intensive therapy several times a week plus family therapy. I don't get a sense of much urgency in your original post but your DD might need help beyond any ideas we need can give here as parents. So I just urge you to get tough with the therapist about what to do right away.

Also please bear in mind that your other child is going to need therapy eventually if DD keeps attacking her and wrecking her belongings. For the sibling's sake something's got to happen faster here. I'm sure you are stopping DD from hitting etc. but it keeps happening and younger sib is going to feel that DD's issues get more attention than sibling's safety does. I am not saying that is really the case -- but that is how's a kid who's being hit is going to view it and that sets the kid up for her own issues later. The resentment building up must be huge.