How Much to Push

[Anonymous]

My 8th grade daughter has identified as an athlete for years. She's not extremely passionate, she plays for fun. That means lately her friends who are focused have eclipsed her. This year she did not make the club team she had been playing on, although she is still eager to play rec.

School tryouts for the sport are coming up, and she's started saying she might not try out. Her school fields multiple levels of teams, so it's not that she wouldn't make a team. She won't say, but I think she's concerned that as an 8th grader she might be one of the few who don't make the top team.

I think she would regret not playing, even if she doesn't make the top team. I also suspect if she doesn't play this year, she's less likely to play in HS and I know sports in HS are an easy way to get a friend group. It's also been the primary focus of her friends groups up until now. Her classmates are also generally kind children, and as far as I know no one has every been ridiculed for not making the top team, although kids do accrue social capital for being on the top team.

She would not replace the exercise with something done independently. She hates going to the gym or doing workouts on her own. I'll admit that's part of my motivation to see her continue.

How much would you encourage your child in this situation? Typically we let her make her own call on when she starts/stops an activity. But in this case I think there are things she's failing to consider as a young teen.

One option I've considered is telling her to try out but then let her know if she doesn't make the top team she can decide not to play. But then I'm still stuck on how to manage the missing exercise. Rec sports seem insufficient for regular exercise when you're dealing with a child who used to play club and may be opting out of trying out for fear of not doing well enough.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't make the top team, and you endorse her decision to quit because of that, I think it sends a messed-up message. School sports should be about having fun, getting exercise, learning to work as a team, etc. If she enjoys the sport, I would really encourage my DC to keep going with it, even if not a "top" athlete. Playing/enjoying sports should be for life, not for the short term goal of being on the top team or college resume or whatever.

[Anonymous]

My awesome FIL has warned me that kids very often at age 14 shake off what has been their identity and try something totally new. So, think I'd buckle up. I would, however, insist that she find a way to exercise 5 hours per week and let her decide how she wants to do so. Explain why you think continuing in her sport would be the most fun/practical but then ask her to think about other options and have an open discussion about it.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her she HAS to try out and let's see which team she gets into and then we'll talk about it.

[Anonymous]

I always say that it is my kid's decision on whether or not to play a sport at any level, but it is a family decision to exercise. So if she doesn't fulfill her exercise obligation through her sport, other exercise will be substituted.

[Anonymous]

Nothing matters if it's not high school

[Anonymous]

Focus on grades and studying, not sports.

[Anonymous]

DH's parents required all their 4 kids to be involved in a sport every season. Keeps them active, fit and brings more focus to schoolwork as well.

We are doing the same with our kids.

Make her play a sport (or other physical activity)- doesn't matter if its club or competitive. Opting out is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's parents required all their 4 kids to be involved in a sport every season. Keeps them active, fit and brings more focus to schoolwork as well.

We are doing the same with our kids.

Make her play a sport (or other physical activity)- doesn't matter if its club or competitive. Opting out is not an option.

Agree. Sports are particularly important for girls -- keeps them physically fit, less time to be engaged in risky behavior like drugs and sex, social outlet to make friends, and other positive reasons. Even if my 13 year old DD did not like sports, I would insist she do some organized sport.

[Anonymous]

I might encourage trying out, but wouldn't force it. And she doesn't have to get the level of exercise that a club/travel team requires. But she should get regular exercise. What do you and your husband do? My son still bikes with me (we do 2+ hour bike rides on weekends and shorter ones in the evenings). I used to walk with my mom when I was in high school for an hour or so daily.