Upset by DH's critical comments about me

[Anonymous]

I'm home on maternity leave with our second child. I found out that my DH made some very critical comments about me to a relative with whom he is close--mostly about how I am not doing enough around the house while home with the baby. There is some truth behind his criticism--I'm not doing a lot of house work right now, mostly because I am exhausted from not sleeping well and have a newborn who eats all the time. Plus we have cleaners who come on a regular basis for the purpose of helping keep our house livable while DH and I are maxed out from caring for the kids. I certainly am going to try and help out more, because I know DH is doing a lot and taking good care of our toddler when not at work (toddler is in daycare). But his comments were really over the top and mean and I'm both hurt and angry by how he just trashed me mercilessly without even trying to talk to me about his concerns first.

I know he was ventng, so I don't want to say anything, because I absolutely understand that people get frustrated with their partners and need to vent sometimes. But I don't know how to get past it. He was trying to be very nice to me yesterday, but it felt like such a two-faced lie...

[Anonymous]

You have to discuss what you heard with him or you will not get past it. Get it off your chest and let him explain. Perhaps he was just venting and it was completely inappropriate given that you just had a baby. Give him a chance to apologize.

[Anonymous]

So he tells someone in private about how you're not doing enough around the house, which you happen to agree with, and you're mad at him for having that opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm home on maternity leave with our second child. I found out that my DH made some very critical comments about me to a relative with whom he is close--mostly about how I am not doing enough around the house while home with the baby. There is some truth behind his criticism--I'm not doing a lot of house work right now, mostly because I am exhausted from not sleeping well and have a newborn who eats all the time. Plus we have cleaners who come on a regular basis for the purpose of helping keep our house livable while DH and I are maxed out from caring for the kids. I certainly am going to try and help out more, because I know DH is doing a lot and taking good care of our toddler when not at work (toddler is in daycare). But his comments were really over the top and mean and I'm both hurt and angry by how he just trashed me mercilessly without even trying to talk to me about his concerns first.

I know he was ventng, so I don't want to say anything, because I absolutely understand that people get frustrated with their partners and need to vent sometimes. But I don't know how to get past it. He was trying to be very nice to me yesterday, but it felt like such a two-faced lie...

Bear in mind that it's VERY likely that the comments were distorted/exaggerated by the time you heard them.

Meaning and tone get seriously distorted by third parties.

If you can't move past it, talk to him! You don't need to directly address what you heard--just start a general, open dialogue: "How do you think things are going with the new baby?"

Or: "It's really tough for me to take care of the house when I'm exhausted from caring for the baby. It's bothering me--what are your thoughts on how to handle this?"

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything.

How would you feel if you vented (rightly or wrongly) about DH and then it got back to him and he confronted you about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything.

How would you feel if you vented (rightly or wrongly) about DH and then it got back to him and he confronted you about it?

This. You need to get over it. First, you freely admit his opinion may be valid even if his delivery of it was questionable. Second, every person on planet Earth is guilty of venting, even in an exaggerated manner, behind a loved ones back. It's human nature. It doesn't mean you don't love that person. So let it go and try to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he tells someone in private about how you're not doing enough around the house, which you happen to agree with, and you're mad at him for having that opinion?

You left out the part about the newborn.

[Anonymous]

The person you should be angry with is whoever shared this with you. What could possibly be the point of doing something so hurtful?

[Anonymous]

I don't know what to say, OP. Newborns sleep a lot. You have cleaners and the other child is in daycare, so if you had a vaginal birth, you should be able to strap on the baby and do some basic clean-up around the house. With my babies, I would lie on my side and nurse, and catch some naps that way.

Now if you're recovering from a c-section, which is major abdominal surgery, it's a different story, and you should be resting a lot more and taking it easy on chores.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have an agreement that we NEVER talk negatively about each other to other people. It never solves anything and just causes more problems. Regardless of whether or not it's true, airing dirty laundry is not good for a marriage. Would he be open to a discussion on keeping these things to yourselves?

As far as the newborn/work around the house- we had the same problem. DH was unhappy I wasn't getting more done; until he watched DC for a day and realized how hard it is. Our baby never napped. Ever. She just wanted constant food and entertainment. At this point it's just about survival and enjoying the happy moments when they come. You're not going to look back on this time 30 years from now and be proud of how clean you kept the house.

Could you possibly get a day off? Stock up on breast milk or formula and leave the baby with your husband for a few hours? Getting away for awhile did wonders for me.

Do what you can and take it easy on yourself. Extra stress can put you at an increased risk of PPD. Also, I know the above poster meant well, but please don't nap with your newborn, that can be extremely dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person you should be angry with is whoever shared this with you. What could possibly be the point of doing something so hurtful?

Agreed. I think they're the jerk in the situation. Unnecessary meddling. Hopefully they're not an ass who egged him on in his venting too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person you should be angry with is whoever shared this with you. What could possibly be the point of doing something so hurtful?

Agreed. I think they're the jerk in the situation. Unnecessary meddling. Hopefully they're not an ass who egged him on in his venting too.

I agree as well but I would also share with your husband that you are hurt that he vented to someone about you in an unflattering way. This shouldn't happen and the person who told you is a jerk, unless it was your mother, sister or brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what to say, OP. Newborns sleep a lot. You have cleaners and the other child is in daycare, so if you had a vaginal birth, you should be able to strap on the baby and do some basic clean-up around the house. With my babies, I would lie on my side and nurse, and catch some naps that way.

Now if you're recovering from a c-section, which is major abdominal surgery, it's a different story, and you should be resting a lot more and taking it easy on chores.

Seriously? She has a BABY. She explained the baby eats all the time (which is exhausting for the feeder), which doesn't mean its sleeping alot.

And vaginal vs section may sound like a difference, but everyone heals differently. My case was extreme, but I was in excruciating pain for 18 weeks after an all natural vaginal birth (all day, everyday, from the time I got up till I fell asleep). Some people are up and about the next day - but most people still need several weeks of rest before they're going to be useful for anymore than infant care.

OP, it sounds like your husband might be really tired too - he's probably not sleeping well either. A newborn and a toddler sounds really hard. I hope its just a passing phase.

[Anonymous]

How old is the newborn?

6 weeks or 6 months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person you should be angry with is whoever shared this with you. What could possibly be the point of doing something so hurtful?

Agreed. I think they're the jerk in the situation. Unnecessary meddling. Hopefully they're not an ass who egged him on in his venting too.

I agree as well but I would also share with your husband that you are hurt that he vented to someone about you in an unflattering way. This shouldn't happen and the person who told you is a jerk, unless it was your mother, sister or brother.

Agree. Unless the person sharing with you was doing so because your husband was being very nasty and they wanted you to know what a d-bag he was being, they shouldn't have said anything. That said, trash talking your spouse to others is a recipe for disaster and is incredibly toxic and damaging to a relationship. If what he said was nasty as opposed to just critical, I'd be upset with DH too.