Concerned for my friend
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Anonymous
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She is 33 and I am 41.
Up until this January she had never lived on her own, she had lived with her parents since college grad and mostly worked dead end jobs. Last year at 32 she decided to get her life together, she took a couple of classes got a certificate and landed a job in the field she wants, she moved out, she's about to start graduate school this fall. She just told me last night she got engaged. She has only been seeing this guy for 6 months. While he seems like a nice guy I am worried for my friends. This man is her first ever boyfriend. She only started going on dates at the start of the year,she is still a virgin. I'm worried she doesn't have the experience to make the best choices about relationships. They don't plan on marrying until next year which is a good thing, but I am still concerned. I'm very proud of her for the complete 180 she's done in her life, but think this might be a little to fast. I congratulated her when she called me and said nothing, but nice things then but I wonder if I should bring up my concerns later or keep them to myself. |
Anonymous
| Keep them to yourself |
Anonymous
| I just don't want to see her get hurt. |
Anonymous
| If she were a super close friends (as in we loved each other as friends, shared and trusted each other with personal information, valued each others opinions, and had a relationship that consisted of honesty and not just superficial sugar coating things) than I would be honest and open with my concerns. I must say, I have only 1 friend I feel this close with. Anyone else I would keep it to myself unless asked for my opinion and even then I'd contemplate how much to reveal about my concern. |
Anonymous
| She will need to fail at a relationship to learn that lesson. She will not learn from you telling her. If he isn't dangerous, leave it be. Be happy for her. |
Anonymous
She views me as her surrogate big sister. |
Anonymous
| If there is nothing about this particular guy that concerns you I would not say anything. |
Anonymous
He's not dangerous. She just doesn't have any real experience with guys other than him. I have been excited for her this whole time that she finally gets the dating experience. I just think this engagement is too fast, I haven't told her that yet. I don't want to rain on her parade today. |
Anonymous
| MYOB |
Anonymous
This is the catch-22 of experience. Until she starts dating she will continue to have zero experience with relationships and you will continue to worry about her getting hurt. Sorry, but there's no way to get experience without risking getting hurt. That said if there are clear red flags with this guy (unemployed, violent, controlling, that kind of stuff) by all means bring it up. Otherwise just be a good friend and be supportive. |
Anonymous
I understand that. But they are engaged. I worry this won't work out and she won't try again for years, but there are no red flags other than the fast engagement. |
Anonymous
| You need to let it go. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you need to look at why you're so vested in this.
It sounds like she's done a great job pulling her life together. Are you afraid she won't need you as much any more? |
Anonymous
| I don't see any red flags. If this guy was unkind or appeared to be using her, I would understand your worry, but some people just don't want to date around, they are happy to meet one person and settle down. |
Anonymous
| I get your concern, but the solution to the problems caused by her extremely sheltered life is not further sheltering. She is an adult and has been for years. Maybe her marriage will fail, maybe it will be awesome, but she needs to call the shots. If there are no red flags that compel you to speak then wait until she asks for your opinion before saying anything. |