When Marriage counseling doesn't work

[Anonymous]

After two psychologists and attending once weekly counseling for over a year, our marriage isn't working. At our last session, our session ended with the psychologist telling me that my husband isn't changing and he's probably never going to be an involved father. We first started counseling because my husband became more and more irrational and having anger outbursts as time went on. My husband isn't an involved father. His family thinks he's such a great guy but the reality is that he's a complete jerk. When my husband is off of work, he won't help with the kids and he's only once in the past year taken care of both kids by himself for two hours so that I could go to a job interview. He actually told our psychologist that he "can't" take care of both kids for an hour or two so that I can have a break because it's "too much work taking care of the kids". Our psychologist couldn't believe his ears. I also found out in the past year that my husband took out a charge card and maxed it out without my knowledge (hello 21% interest rate!) and also took out money from a savings acct we had and drained that of a few thousand dollars. What did he spend the money on? Gadgets mostly. He had to have the stuff "now". I went through the statements and was outraged when I found out how he spent the money. My husband is also verbally abusive towards me and the psychologist has told him it's not acceptable. I won't go into detail there but it's not a pretty picture. Most nights he's not home until the kids are asleep anyway. The psychologist told me in privacy that he if we divorced and a custody battle took place, he would tell the judge it was in the children's best interest for me to have full custody. At this point, I'd only consider him having supervised visitation. My husband is too unreliable and I feel he would just disappoint the kids. He's lived with our kids for X years and rarely spends any time with them so why would my husband go out of his way to spend time with the kids when he's not living with us? I told my husband last spring that I was going to divorce him if things didn't change because I was so sick and tired of living life like this. He agreed to go and was better for a little while but it didn't last long. Whenever we argue, he brings up the fact that my parents are divorced and that I just want to be just like them. Yes, after 22 years of marriage my parents did divorce but they never treated each other badly and my dad was super involved with my siblings and I.
I'm just so tired of accepting childish behavior on my husband's part and I know I'm a good person and mother. I do have some flaws. My husband doesn't know that divorce is right around the corner. I feel a sadness within myself that isn't going to get better until I've healed after letting my husband go. This is one depressing Sunday. Oh, and Valentine's day is just around the corner.

[Anonymous]

Has writing this post helped you answer your own question?

1. You are a single parent.
2. Your husband is a jerk, and you know it.
3. It's time for a divorce.
4. You will be so, so, so much better off without him...your relief will be palpable.
5. Your next post will be: "I need the name of a good divorce lawyer in Md/Dc/Va"

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know all of what the PP said is true. WHen I met my husband and we were dating, he wasn't a jerk. To all the women out there with good, caring husbands: Appreciate them and know every husband isn't like yours. I'm most envious of the women who have loving husbands that are excellent fathers to their children. When I see a dad at the zoo with his kids or a dad at the park, I think to myself, isn't she lucky? I would rather have a wonderful father for my kids than any material wealth in the world. Appreciate the good ones please!

[Anonymous]

It's not too late. Many children are raised by loving stepfathers and even involved stepfathers.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. My first husband was very similar to yours: verbally abusive, prone to angry outbursts, financially irresponsible, went to counseling under duress but never showed the least inclination to actually change, and was shocked and angry when I finally left even though I'd been saying for some time that I would divorce him if things didn't change. He also made me feel guilty for considering divorce, but in retrospect I realize that was just another aspect of his emotionally-controlling behavior. And my heart broke to read your comment about envying the women with loving, involved husbands! I used to watch other couples and families too and just ache for a reasonably happy life too!!

Luckily I didn't have kids in my first marriage so it was logistically easier to leave. The sadness and pain are tough- I think leaving my husband was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But once I made the break and started going to therapy on my own and making an effort to learn from the experience, my life did get better. Three years later I met a wonderful, loving, thoughtful man and we are expecting our first babies (twins!!) in April. Our day-to-day life in this marriage is a world of difference from my first marriage, and I know he will be a great and involved dad. It will happen for you too eventually!!

[Anonymous]

First, OP, you are in a crappy relationship.

Second, am I the only one a little disturbed by the behavior of the therapist? I thought they were supposed to stay neutral and not take sides, but it seems to me the therapist has taken sides from almost the beginning. How can this be conducive to therapy? For some reason it really bothers me -- I'm not saying the therapist is wrong, but is it appropriate for the therapist to share their opinion with the other person involved in the therapy?

Thirdly, your husband is depressed. Has the therapist considered working with him individually and trying anti-depressants? He is a depressed person -- the binge shopping is a big clue. He does need help.

[Anonymous]

OP: Any updates?

[Anonymous]

I don't think the therapist is out of line. I think the therapist has a responsibility to call it has he/she sees it - especially if one partner is totally checked out. This poor woman needs validation and encouragement to do the right thing for herself and her kids. I would be upset if a therapist didn't make appropriate judgement calls.

[Anonymous]

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. My Mother used to tell me that so much of your life is determined by who you marry and she'd say how she was so lucky because she married my Father after only a few months and didn't even know what was going on. Some people date for years and don't really know each other. Many people change after getting married or having children. I have told my husband many times that romantic love is not unconditional. It's not like a love for a blood relative. It's not an instinctual thing. You based your relationship on a certain way you were treated, and now that you are not treated that way anymore you are not happy. It's natural. There is nothing more important to a marraige than to make your mate feel loved and appreciated. We all falter at it sometimes, but a habitual slip is not tolerable for the other person. I'm glad he is going to counseling and showing that he cares somewhat, but if he doesn't DO anything about what he is theoretically trying to learn from this therapist....well....it doesn't mean anything. There is always the idea that maybe this just isn't the right person to do your therapy, but only you know how much you want to work to fix this and how much of it is just unfixable.

You have to decide if you need to get out of this marriage. This is a horribly difficult decision, but it will at least provide you with the hope that something else will come along rather than the feeling of doom that you're stuck in this unhappy situation. You seem to have tried your best. If you come to the conclusion that you need to leave, you can do so with the knowlege that you have done what you could to save this marraige and being a happy Parent is one of the most important aspects of being able to raise a happy child. You have to do what is best for you and your family. Leaving your husband and reclaiming yourself is extremely brave. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

"bump"