hanging out with a troubled teen

[Anonymous]

My daughter is a HS junior. A friend of hers got in a lot of trouble for some internet shenanigans (not legal trouble but close). Friend went away for a few months for some intensive treatment and has now come back but will be going to another school. How would you feel about your kid hanging out with the friend?

[Anonymous]

Depends what the problem was, OP.
Come on, spill.

[Anonymous]

Proceed with caution. And lots of communication with your DD.

-- mom of a troubled teen

[Anonymous]

There is no way that anyone could give a reasonable answer to this question without knowing more about the situation (e.g., what the kid did, whether it was driven by meanness or illness or something else, etc.).

[Anonymous]

As another mom of a troubled teen who is in treatment now, I concur that you want to proceed with caution. You want your daughter to establish clear communication with you about this friendship and compassionate boundaries with her friend. I will add that you might want to contact the parents of the troubled friend. Many treatment programs ask parents to evaluate their child's friendships and set appropriate limits. You might find some answers to your concerns by talking with the parents.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I have pretty much decided to let my DD go on one outing with this other child. My DD (who had no involvement in the "shenanigans" as I refer to them above) and I have talked a lot about what we know of what went wrong and the severe consequences of those actions. I feel like it is better to allow DD to have a semisupervised interaction with this child rather than forbid any interaction at all and have something go on behind my back (not that DD is the type who does stuff behind my back typically, but there is always a chance).

DH and I are still mulling this over, but this is the direction we are moving in.

The shenanigans did not involve meanness to other children in answer to one implied question above.

There is a lot about this I can't disclose, so realize my question is hard to answer.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the suggestion to contact the other parent - will do.

[Anonymous]

If this is something like hacking, I wouldn't actually worry unless they were going to use the Internet together. This sort of trouble often doesn't translate to other areas of a teen's life. If this involved stealing/using parents credit cards/something where the Internet only facilitated the trouble, I'd worry more.

[Anonymous]

09:43 here again. Speaking as the parent of a troubled teen, I want to say that I really appreciate the balance and compassion you are showing here. You are helping your daughter's friend AND her family, perhaps more than you can imagine.

[Anonymous]

If the friend was sent away, then coming back and being put in the same environment might cause a relapse of the previous behavior. Make sure your DD does not let even the slightest incidence go by unnoticed.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the input, people. I am trying to balance giving second chances with keeping my DD safe. She will soon be an adult and need to navigate her way around all kinds of people without my help. I do come from a conservative religious background, so the impulse of some is to retreat into a "safe little world," but I want my daughter to be stronger and savvier than that.

[Anonymous]

Again with the cryptic stuff, OP, and with the implication that any kid who has been through "shenanigans" of whatever sort is a danger to be managed.

Most, or at least many, kids who get into trouble would be well-served by *more* loving interaction from friends and from friends' parents. And unless your HS Junior is especially immature, she ought to be able to be kind and helpful to a friend who has been through some stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again with the cryptic stuff, OP, and with the implication that any kid who has been through "shenanigans" of whatever sort is a danger to be managed.

Most, or at least many, kids who get into trouble would be well-served by *more* loving interaction from friends and from friends' parents. And unless your HS Junior is especially immature, she ought to be able to be kind and helpful to a friend who has been through some stuff.

Have you read the whole thread? OP clearly stated that she can't disclose much about the shenanigans

Op, I think you are handling this well. Keep communication with your DD open, which it sounds like you will. You are absolutely right in thinking that allowing monitored interactions is better than forbidding all contact.