Husband's Reaction to my Sadness

[Anonymous]

I had something sad happen in my life that cannot be fixed. It just happened and I have had less than a day to process. Last night I cried myself to sleep. My husband keeps trying to come up with solutions or cheer me up. I just need time, but would like hugs and love. He's now mad at me for telling him his solutions will not solve the issue and is being cold to me. I'm already very sad and now I have to deal with him being mad at me. Why can't he just hug me and tell me it will be okay? I'm not planing to mope around forever but would like a day to deal with my emotions. Meanwhile he wants me to be all smiles because he picked up takeout for dinner last night so I didn't have to cook while I was upset.

Just a vent.

[Anonymous]

I think he tries his best. I am sorry you have to experience a loss. Hugs

[Anonymous]

My husband also always wants to fix things and gets really offended when I gently let him know he's not being helpful.

For a small instance, last weekend I was walking dead exhausted and super stressed about money, and he organized a surprise lunch with a couple of friends--friends who are super exhausting and we paid. When what I really, deeply needed was a nap.

Just thank him for trying and tell him you'll be okay and you need time. He's worried about you.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to be sad. We are all raised to think it's not ok.
Sad is normal for your circumstance.
When you're ready to cheer up, he'll be there for you. That's awesome.
Tell him all of this. You'll be ready sometime and you'll let him know.

[Anonymous]

Same with my DH. He's always trying to fix my problems or give me solutions. We've had long discussions about this before. When I notice him doing it, I just tell him that I don't want him to fix it, I just want him there for me. No clue why this seems to be a guy thing to fix problems (that normally don't even have a fix!).

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman, from what I understand men don't handle these type of situations well. I have to be honest I suck with that type of situation. My solution is to do anything to cheer them up and just offer words of comfort. I'm not the hugging type of person either. He is trying to cheer you up. In the past have you clearly told him what you want when you are experiencing sadness ( not in a condescending or demeaning tone)? If he has never been the hugging and comforting words type of man, then that's just who he is. It's not changing. You have to tell him what you expect.

[Anonymous]

I can see my DH do something similar. Men just feel like they have to provide solutions, it is hardwired in their DNA. So dont take it personally, realize he is trying, and acknowledge his effort with a smile even though it is hard and not what you need.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't expect your husband to fulfill all your emotional needs. Women are actually much better than men with just emphasizing and listening and making you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't expect your husband to fulfill all your emotional needs. Women are actually much better than men with just emphasizing and listening and making you feel better.

Nope sorry. A husband should be able to react how she wants. If only it means a 30 second hug and he finds something else to do (doesn't necessarily need to be a cuddle and soothing fest that a truly empathetic person would give). You just have to teach your partner what you want and how he can be there for you. Even if he has to suck it up for the 30 second hug while you cry and listen to you without giving solutions or advice.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually asked, calmly, for cuddles and hugs? I j is you're sad. But everyone deals with sadness and emotions in different ways, or may need different things at different times.

DH by nature is a fixer, and will try to fix my grief, sadness, frustration, etc. So I used my words one day and TOLD HIM "when I am sad, please don't offer me solutions. Please just hold me." If I'm feeling overwhelmed and need a hug, I ASK for what I need, and he is only more than happy to oblige.

He's not sure what will fix it for you, so he's just trying to. Use your words and tell him what you need, without pushing him away and being angry and frustrated that he is both trying to help and not a mind reader.

[Anonymous]

print this thread (now before it goes off the rails with snark which always happens with every thread) and leave it for him. I think reading this will help more than trying to talk right now.

[Anonymous]

<-- Guy here

We do tend to want to solve whatever the problem is first. We don't do well with emotional issues, or in understanding what you need.
Like alluded to in previous posts, JUST TELL US!! The bottom line is that all we want is you to be happy, we just don't always know how to do that.

[Anonymous]

No so much about sadness, but I have a similar gripe about how my husband deals with injury and pain. If I hurt myself, I shut down and focus and am quiet while I regain my levity. My husband is the type to get up in my grill with "what happened? Are you ok? Walk it off! etc." Makes me so immediately angry. Just back the fuck off, man. Give me a minute.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have used my words. He's just uncomfortable seeing me sad. I am usually the strong, calm one in the relationship. Mid-hug he'll come up with some "solution" or fun thing coming up in the future. He just wants me to snap back into happy and is upset that I am not.

I'll just swallow my emotion and be back to happy wife by the time he gets home tonight. I just wish for once he could be the strong one that I could cry on.

[Anonymous]

Order him the "Men are from Mars" book. Classic male/female dynamic. Be very specific about what you want "please hug me" and be appreciative when he does that.