teaching ASD child when enough is enough
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Anonymous
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Any ideas for how to teach my daughter (age 9) when enough is enough? She will take something that was fun or funny once, but then repeat it until it's no longer fun or funny. Two recent examples:
1) She was bike riding with her cousins and whenever any of them rode passed where the adults were standing, they yelled "incoming!" and then "outgoing!" Harmless enough. But DD kept yelling "incoming" and "outgoing" for days, until it was annoying and no longer funny. 2) At camp, they played a game that involved everyone making up silly nicknames. Fine, I'm sure the game was lots of fun. But she wouldn't stop using the nicknames until, again, it was annoying and no longer funny. There are other examples, but I'm sure you get the point. Thanks for any advice. |
Anonymous
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Be nicer and more patient. Laugh with her.
Be glad she's included in anything and having a nice time. Share her joy. Have joy for her. Love her. |
Anonymous
I can (and do) love her and share her joy, but still want to teach her when she's being annoying. It's not being included if she's stuck on game A when everyone else has moved on to game X. |
Anonymous
OP again. Some more examples where "sharing her joy" is not appropriate. Tonight a friend of mine came over with her baby. DD loved giving things to the baby that she thought the baby might like. Excellent. We all "shared her joy." But then she started giving more and more things to the baby until the baby was totally overwhelmed and started to cry. It's fun until it's not fun. |
Anonymous
She's going to need a lot more time to catch up to the social learning of the other kids. You have to be patient and accepting. |
Anonymous
Yes. But time alone isn't going to do it. Do you have specific ideas of how to teach her, or do you think simple love conquers all? Do you have an ASD child yourself? |
Anonymous
| Social skills coach |
Anonymous
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My child is also like this OP. It's exhausting. We are going back to behavioral therapy for this and other issues. But this is just... exhausting.
Unless people live with this behavior, they just have no idea. It's not just one thing. It's so difficult. I cringe, when I see DS getting worked up, because I know he's going to have a rough time self-calming. I try to gently but firmly correct my child. "Larlo, no one is laughing anymore; it's not appropriate to laugh about it anymore out loud." Or: "Do you see my expression? Do you think that makes me happy or sad?" Or: "No one wants to play that game anymore." I just correct him. He usually understands to stop. There was some stuff about this in CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy... I think it was trying to teach him to try to notice other people's behavior and to "match" body movements, voice loudness, etc. Think that's what it was. We need to revisit it, clearly! |
Anonymous
| Social skills class. Ivymount has one for girls only. |
Anonymous
Op, I totally get it. We struggle with this with my 9 year old DS constantly too. One thing that's worked somewhat for us is reinforcing the "unexpected" vs. "expected" behavior language with him. We try to be very consistent about it, using the same language every time, I.e., "[DS], what you're doing is very unexpected for people right now. Why don't you try X instead." Over the years, we and his other supports have talked with him a lot about how unexpected things can make people uncomfortable or even upset, so when we identify for him something as unexpected--since he has so much trouble recognizing those moments and signals people are sending him--it gives him a tool to recognize and stop. At least ideally  . At the same time, we try to recognize and applaud when he uses "expected" behavior, using very specific terms (for ex. "When you did X, did you notice how Y positive interaction with your friend/another adult resulted?). Not a magic solution by any means, but thought I'd share.
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Anonymous
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We have a lot of bright line rules, like you only can say something once. If the other person doesn't respond (because your joke wasn't as funny as you thought), you still can't say it again.
I have had to tell my son, explicitly, that when I say "enough" what I mean is, stop doing it right now. What feels direct is not direct enough for him. In your examples, I would say, "we are done with that, no more." Then, later when you guys are alone, you can talk about how something can be fun at first but wear off, and how to tell. She's pleased she found a way to be "successful" socially so of course she wants to continue. Hard to realize the rules are so complex. |
Anonymous
| I didn't find social skills helpful for him, but maybe we weren't in a good one. |
Anonymous
PP, you probably mean well, but, ugh. This is pretty condescending and dismissive. Wanting to help her daughter handle this better IS the loving thing to do. OP, find someone who runs a group using the Social Thinking program by Michelle Garcia Winner. Or check out some of her materials yourself. I think there is actually a character called "Was Funny Once". Maybe a song? Sorry, I am sketchy on details because my son does not really have this particular quirk, but his social group definitely worked on this. (Not in DC so can't recommend). |
Anonymous
| Thank you to all the helpful posters! I will continue to be explicit in pointing out what is or isn't expected. And they use Superflex at her school, so I'll see if I can get this issue added to her IEP. |
Anonymous
Nope - I did this with my severely autistic kid for years and years and years. He's way more severe compared to this kid and I did not get frustrated. Many other people got frustrated but I just kept plugging away. There's got to be at least one person who isn't always critical of the kid and the nonstop craziness and if it's not mom or dad I don't know who that's going to be. |