How to get over an ex

[Anonymous]

We dated for 3 years, we were looking at places to move in together, spoke of marriage, but I ended it almost 1 month ago. I love him dearly, but our sexual compatibility was not in sync. Sex once a month was not enough for me. I brought it up many times, but it never changed even when he said that he would try. The interest just wasn't there. I had to end it before moving in and making any further commitments with him. I was feeling sexually rejected and it started to kill my self esteem. But, now I'm crying everyday, he is messaging me that he misses me, needs me in his life, wants to get engaged now, and will make a change sexually. I am so confused, but my gut says he won't change. My heart says give it another try. He doesn't seem to have ED or any issues, he just has a very low sex drive. Am I wrong? Should I try? I'm heartbroken and can't get past this.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing. You would ultimately become resentful and cheat on him. There's a lot less pain for you both on this path.

[Anonymous]

I think you owe it to yourself to see if a medical exam might come up with a reason for his low sex drive rather than throw in the towel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe it to yourself to see if a medical exam might come up with a reason for his low sex drive rather than throw in the towel.

I think not. If he really wanted to address these issues, and get her back, he can go to the doctor and be proactive. She's brought this up, he has not responded. No. Hell no. He's showed for the last 3 years he isn't interested in meeting her needs. He only says he wants to change now because he is afraid of change.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you need to break off all contact with him for awhile, OP. Like at least a year. You are completely right about ending things, and he's giving you a guilt trip, inappropriately. I 100% agree with the PP that if he wanted to do something about sex, he had plenty of notice and time to do it. You don't owe him any more time. You need to focus on being grateful that you ended something that would have made you miserable. (And I actually have three friends right now, all with kids, who have or almost have ended their marriages because they couldn't deal with the lack of sex.) Think about bringing kids into this world with this guy, and then having to sit down with them and tell them that their family is breaking apart and they'll be living in two homes. You don't want to be in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you need to break off all contact with him for awhile, OP. Like at least a year. You are completely right about ending things, and he's giving you a guilt trip, inappropriately. I 100% agree with the PP that if he wanted to do something about sex, he had plenty of notice and time to do it. You don't owe him any more time. You need to focus on being grateful that you ended something that would have made you miserable. (And I actually have three friends right now, all with kids, who have or almost have ended their marriages because they couldn't deal with the lack of sex.) Think about bringing kids into this world with this guy, and then having to sit down with them and tell them that their family is breaking apart and they'll be living in two homes. You don't want to be in that position.

You did the right thing. Sex in a relationship has a significant place and if you aren't syncing on this then it is just grow into a worst problem. Money and sex are usually the reason people get divorced and you are already setting up for a fall. Is there any other reason his sex drive is so low. How old is he? Are you sure this isn't a sexual preference issue that he isn't willing to face up to?

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes a few years ago. He kept saying things would change but made no real effort until we split up (and even that didn't last very long).

The best shot you have is to split up for 6 months to a year and assess things then. If he was serious, he'll do the work. If not, he was just feeding you more bullshit to keep you around. In the meantime enjoy and develop your own life. Oh, and go sleep with the hottest guy you can find. That did wonders for me after being rejected sexually for years.

[Anonymous]

He won't change. Accept this, then decide what's best for you. Are you willing and able to change? If not, I think you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry about this. Can I share my story in the hopes that your short term pain will cause longer term happiness?

My now husband of 20 years and I had an argument while we were engaged about his lower desire. He told me things would pick up after we got married and began living in the same house. Guess what happened? Everything you ended the relationship in fear of happened.

I had an affair, I find self satisfaction better, our emotional intimacy really suffers. It's terrible because he is in denial that he's simply low drive, and let me tell you - it gets WORSE over 20 years.

As heartbreaking as this is now, please stay strong and don't marry this man or have children with him. You will find out what real regret is then.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing, OP. He won't change (he would have already if he wanted to/could) and you deserve a satisfying sex life. One of my closest friends has been in a relationship like this for almost 6 years and just doesn't get that it will never change. It breaks my heart as she's never dated anyone else and doesn't know what she's missing.

Cut off all contact. I know it's hard, but that is how you get over an ex. No social media, no texting, delete his number, don't check up on him. It will get better every week, and then one day you'll realize you went all day without thinking about him. It's all uphill from there. You got this!

[Anonymous]

He may be able to change if he gets his T levels tested. He needs to go to a specialist, though. Regular general practitioners are dismissive of low T and won't prescribe TRT unless the numbers are sub-300.

[Anonymous]

Start dating someone new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start dating someone new.

This. He won't change, do you want to change? If you don't want to change then move on.

[Anonymous]

Unless there's a medical reason, his sex drive is just who he is. He can't will himself to change it anymore than he can will himself to be taller.

One of the hardest lessons is learning that Love is NOT enough. Marriage is hard to begin with. To have to put that much effort just to get to a baseline of Okay just isn't sustainable.

You will get over him and find someone more compatible

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing. You absolutely do not want to formalize an unsatisfying relationship because differences in sex drive get worse, not better with time. It doesn't make him an awful person, just not the right person for you.

The best thing to help you move on is to limit your contact with him. It seems mean, but you will be helping both of you move on. Gently tell him you need space, then block his calls, texts, FB, emails, etc. at least for a few months. Best wishes.