Growing up with divorced parents who are in very different financial situations

[Anonymous]

What's a good way to explain to younger children why one parent now lives in the spacious house they grew up in and can afford to buy them expensive toys and take them out to dinner frequently and on expensive trips, and the other parent (who works fewer hours in a less well-paying profession, and spends much more time with the children) lives in a much smaller apartment and has to stick to a tight budget for everything? It's frustrating to have to keep telling them "no, because it costs too much," when they ask for something the ex has no problem giving them.

[Anonymous]

Be honest and tell them that one parent makes more/more savings/got more assets. Be clear that each parent still loves them, but that one just can't show that love with material goods.

This is what many people go through. Kids understand eventually and it's okay. It hard though, so hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I'm the parent with the more modest income and more child care time / bonding. I used to be really self-conscious about this.

It turns out that my child prefers emotional closeness to material wealth. she has absolutely no inkling that a big house is "better." She likes the things we do together and the rapport that we have.

It surprised me to figure this out, which is strange considering I came from rich, abusive parents and was jealous of my cousins, whose family was close-knit and fun but had a more modest lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

I'm also the parent with a smaller income. I imagine things will get more complicated as my daughter gets older, but for now it's not a big deal (she's 5). She has asked, why don't we live in a house and why don't you have a car. Like the pp, I stress the fun things we do together and the fun times we spend with friends. At her other parent's house it sounds like she spends a lot of time playing alone in the playroom.We also do plenty of inexpensive treats-ice cream, a toy at the dollar store, and at 5 she really doesn't see the difference between that and a dinner out or a toy from the fancy toy store. We also live in a poor neighborhood and see people going to the food pantry or panhandling, so I do talk to her about how lucky we are to have what we have.

[Anonymous]

"Some people have more money than others" would seem to cover it.

[Anonymous]

Setting financial limits for your kids is always a good idea. Even if you can't afford something sometimes he answer is just no. Right after my parents divorced and for the next 20 years my dad made significantly more money than my mom. Then he married someone who also made a lot of money. I know that my mom felt very self-conscious and bad about it. So it's all she ever talked about. She would always say things like I can't take you on that trip for I can't do the thing your dad can do. It was a bigger deal for her than it was for us, and she made things very Ackward.don't give power to the situation By constantly apologizing. Also make sure you're not villainizing someone who just has a good income. My final thought is last year both my mom and stepdad suffered a devastating medical and career losses. They're supposed financial success was all built on house of cards. They are still scrambling to do things like pay their crazy hi Morgage and hundred thousand dollars in credit card bills. The lesson to teach your kids to always live within your means, whatever your income is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent with the more modest income and more child care time / bonding. I used to be really self-conscious about this.

It turns out that my child prefers emotional closeness to material wealth. she has absolutely no inkling that a big house is "better." She likes the things we do together and the rapport that we have.

It surprised me to figure this out, which is strange considering I came from rich, abusive parents and was jealous of my cousins, whose family was close-knit and fun but had a more modest lifestyle.

This.

And my older child figured out on her own when she filled out the first FAFSA that dad enjoyed his more affluent lifestyle in part because he paid very little child support.