My brother doesn't care about anything

[Anonymous]

So, long story short, my brother and I live in U.S. in different states. We both haven't visited our parents in years, and I've decided to go this year and spend holidays with them. We both have families here, and my brother did not make any effort to come and visit me and my husband. Neither did I but I just feel like : Ok he won't visit why should I invite myself to visit him? Anyways, my parents are heartbroken that we don't visit each other - we live 6h drive away from each other. They are also sad because he is able to visit them, but he just won't go. I call my parents every day to check in and see how they are doing and every time my mother is asking me about him, have I heard from him, how is he doing, and I really don't know what to say, I just don't want to lie anymore that I talk to him. My parents were always there for us, they are our biggest support, and I just don't get it how he doesn't realize that they are getting old and they just want to talk to him and see him. When he calls me, which is rare, he just ask oh how are they doing, but not willing to send any text or make a call. He and my husband are the only family I have here...
I am very happy to see my parents and grandmother, but I would really like to have a better relationship with my brother and I wish he will accept the fact that maybe in 10 years our parents won't be alive.

Any advice how to approach my selfish brother and make him realize that what he is doing is not good?

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

You sound quite young.

It's a cliche that men, particularly younger men, tend to be oblivious and don't communicate and socialize with their parents as much as their sisters do.

All you can do is call him or go and see him, to explain the situation in direct and simple terms he can understand.
However, if in his mind he is doing all he can to maintain the relationship as he thinks fit, you won't change his ways.

And BTW - calling every day is not happening. I am a dutiful daughter who calls at least once a week if not more, and my husband calls his mother once in a blue moon, WHEN I REMIND HIM.
See that?
So here's another solution! Get your brother married off so his wife can remind him to call his parents

[Anonymous]

Just call him a few times a week to check on him. Tell yourself it's for your parents, so you can have something to tell them when they call. It will benefit all of you. Just be the one to do it. I'm guessing he is the oldest, right? You'll have to take on that role.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I am 27 he is 31. He is married and they live close to his wife's family.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all.

[Anonymous]

So how often does he call them, OP?

I suppose since he lives close to his wife's family, there is some imbalance towards that side now, and not much support from his wife to visit your parents?

You really shouldn't be the go-between here, because it's a role you'll have to take on for life, and you'll get tired of it. Plus it might put you at odds with his ILs.

[Anonymous]

Why has it been years since you visited your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why has it been years since you visited your parents?

Same question.
I don't get the situation. You both moved away from home and never SAW your parents for YEARS. Did you also never speak to your parents?

And now you speak to your mom every single day, and everyone is getting upset that bro is not calling or visiting?

Why the sudden change this year in everyone's behavior? What is the real reason no one stayed in tough in their 20s? What happened?

[Anonymous]

We were not able to go home since we studied for couple of years here, and it was very expensive to travel

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about it too much. I think it is very common that the daughters care much more to connect with thier parents than the sons/men. It is not necessarily that they don't care but I think they don't feel the need to call as much as the girls/daughters do , and don't understand how much it means for the parents. I suggest you call him once or twice and just talk to him but don't put too much pressure , and go with the flow. Sometimes they could avoid the calls more if they feel pressurized. Things could change gradually. But this is a very common issue in many cultures.

[Anonymous]

When I saw the title, I thought it was a bout a brother with addiction/mental health issues that was on his way to rock bottom. Wrong! It's about a sister and mother who are hurt that he doesn't communicate with them as much as they'd like. First, you cannot manage your mother's relationship with your brother. Why you would lie about how often you speak with him, I have no idea. I suspect it's because you still seek her approval. Perhaps your brother got sick of trying to please her and just wants to do his own thing. He's young and is building his own family - and unless your parents had you both late in life, they aren't THAT old.

I don't know what kind of relationship your brother wants with you but you could start by talking to him and finding out what he's comfortable with I suggest you not try and guilt him. There's little that drives a person away more than a guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

Say your piece to him, then stay out of it. She needs to work it out with him. My older brother is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why has it been years since you visited your parents?

Same question.
I don't get the situation. You both moved away from home and never SAW your parents for YEARS. Did you also never speak to your parents?

And now you speak to your mom every single day, and everyone is getting upset that bro is not calling or visiting?

Why the sudden change this year in everyone's behavior? What is the real reason no one stayed in tough in their 20s? What happened?

I think what OP left out is that her parents live in another country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I saw the title, I thought it was a bout a brother with addiction/mental health issues that was on his way to rock bottom. Wrong! It's about a sister and mother who are hurt that he doesn't communicate with them as much as they'd like. First, you cannot manage your mother's relationship with your brother. Why you would lie about how often you speak with him, I have no idea. I suspect it's because you still seek her approval. Perhaps your brother got sick of trying to please her and just wants to do his own thing. He's young and is building his own family - and unless your parents had you both late in life, they aren't THAT old.

I don't know what kind of relationship your brother wants with you but you could start by talking to him and finding out what he's comfortable with I suggest you not try and guilt him. There's little that drives a person away more than a guilt trip.

That is what I thought, too, and since that describes my brother I was looking forward to constructive comments.

[Anonymous]

My perspective maybe your brother's relationship with your parents isn't as great as you think it is.

My sisters would say we had a great childhood and devoted parents.

My perspective is that they did they best they could, but were very emotionally abusive towards me, and a sister who bullied me. Now as an adult I keep my distance.

I find out things about them and do my part but I don't carry on with them how my sisters do and the truth is I don't really want to.
I'm much closer to my husband's family.
It is what it is.

You can't force your brother to do anything.
All you can do is manage your own relationship with your brother and your parents.