If you don't get along with SIL/BIL, how do you ensure "the cousins" still get to see each other

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have had poor relationships with one of his siblings. Once we all had kids, past issues were pushed aside and things seemed to be getting better. All of our kids got along and we tried to get together at least once a month.

Fast forward to now. We were at a family birthday and my FIL mentioned that one of my daughters won an ice skating competition. She isn't a formal competitor - she is instructional classes and they had an informal competition which my daughter happened to win. I noticed my SIL's face changed and she was distant the rest of the day. She later cancelled plans we had for the following weekend and when I called to talk to her, she went off on me on what a horrible SIL I am and that I never do anything for her. I asked for examples - she gave a few -my response was that I didn't know she needed help (true) and she should have asked. She said that I should have known and reached out.

The whole conversation was weird and I am not even positive how this break down started - I just noticed her face after FIL made the ice skating comment.. So now my husband is upset because he was happy that things were going well with everyone and now the kids wont have a relationship with each other (they are between 5-11). I am ok with still doing thing together, but I don't think SIL is. My husband tried calling her and she didn't want to talk to him.

What do we do?

[Anonymous]

She's envious. Our kids aren't close to any of their cousins. My BIL is a twin and doesn't want to spend time with our side of the family when they come to our state and my sister is too much of a wuss to stand up to him. It's all about his family. Other BIL is very critical and competitive so we don't get together much with their family. SIL is much younger and has very young children. I wish it was different but you can't change people's personalities and priorities. I still have hope that my younger brother will marry someone nice and we will be able to get the families together.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand my SIL. I think she might have untreated bipolar disorder. She is a horrible mother, who has walked out on her kids, stolen and hid the kids from my brother, and is a pathological liar. At any rate, my brother loves her and always takes her back.

When it comes time to socialize my brother brings the kids to my parents house. If his wife is working, or home with a head ache he will stay too. Otherwise he drops off the kids for cousin time, and then heads back home to his wife. She's no longer welcome at most people's homes, but we still see her at the kid's school functions, or around town.

[Anonymous]

Honestly Op....she sounds like a pill. The kids are only between the ages of 5 and 11. It sounds as though she either has a mean competitive streak and doesn't want any other kids to outshine her own kids in any way OR her kid(s) has/have had some recent failures lately and she knows that news like this will just make them feel that much more inferior...

Either way, she's wrong but human. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew. My SIL hates me, for reasons that I can't understand, and I just can't bear to be around her anymore with all her nasty looks and mean comments or silent treatment. My kids still love her kids, though (and I love her kids too). We just did spend some time with them, and I tried to tell the older kids that they are welcome at our house whenever they want. My brother sometimes brings them to see our kids and says his wife had to work (she does work a lot, so it's a viable excuse).

Can you plan anything through your brother's BIL? Or just invite the kids over for a sleepover or something that wouldn't have to involve their parents? I'd let this rest for a while before trying either route.

[Anonymous]

Just wait her out. It's embarrassing to be called out on behaving immaturely due to jealousy and that's what she did. Give her time to get over herself.

[Anonymous]

Once a year, max.

[Anonymous]

I get along with my sister, but my kids also FaceTime with their cousins frequently. They hang out together that way, and I am not involved at all.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, Op you can't force a get together. Perhaps this will pass once she realizes that it it is silly to be jealous but, there may be other issues that you are unaware of. One idea is to reach out and see if you can have coffee/dinner and hash out any differences?

Good luck! I can't offer too much because I wish our kids got together with their cousins but there are lots of obstacles similar to what you face.

[Anonymous]

My DH's sister is hard to be around sometimes. I let him handle the relationship about 90% of the time. I sometimes make suggestions or encourage him to say no to something, but otherwise pretty much stay out of it.

For ex: I never would have called to ask what's wrong after the party. I would have had my DH address it with his sister. If he didn't, oh well, his family and his choice.

[Anonymous]

If your SIL is mean to you without cause, then you can bet that she is not in a happy relationship with her DH. I have seen this again and again.

[Anonymous]

We tell our children when their cousins are adults they get to have their own relationships, but as kids they all have to suffer through their parents problems.

[Anonymous]

Classic DCUM....someone doesn't like you, so they are "jealous" or "having problems with DH." But, probably, you are just kind of unlikeable or you may run her the wrong way or your personalities just don't mesh well together. In my husband's family, there is a wife whom I really just don't get along with, at all. I'm not jealous of her life (it's kind of a train-wreck) and I have a great relationship with my husband. It's just that she is a complete snob, self-centered, baby talks, is always talking about how great she is, and she is a big time serial PDA offender. Those things stand alone for why I don't like her, not because I do t need any other reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic DCUM....someone doesn't like you, so they are "jealous" or "having problems with DH." But, probably, you are just kind of unlikeable or you may run her the wrong way or your personalities just don't mesh well together. In my husband's family, there is a wife whom I really just don't get along with, at all. I'm not jealous of her life (it's kind of a train-wreck) and I have a great relationship with my husband. It's just that she is a complete snob, self-centered, baby talks, is always talking about how great she is, and she is a big time serial PDA offender. Those things stand alone for why I don't like her, not because I do t need any other reason.

Haha! Pot meet kettle.