Daughter's best friend and SES class

[Anonymous]

My daughter's best friend has significantly less money than we do. They are great people and we have had sleep overs, playdates and generally like spending time with their family (and I believe the feeling is the same).

As the girls have gotten older and we do more things - I want to be sensitive that we do not insult them. For example (and this is a hypothetical) last weekend they took the girls for the weekend and took them to the movies and kept them at the house. They covered all expenses while they had the kids.

We plan to have the girls this weekend and I want to take them out of town to our beach house. We would cover everything while they are there.

My daughter loves spending time with this girl (and we love having her around). We also love when our daughter goes to her house (as they are wonderful people who share the same values).

Maybe I'm just thinking there is a problem, when there isn't one.

[Anonymous]

They covered all expenses, just as you did. Seems fine and balanced to me, not insulting.

[Anonymous]

So long as you're not making a point of doing things that are ostentatiously expensive, it's totally fine. A beach house trip is nice!

[Anonymous]

There is no problem. See them as good decent people... Not what they have or don't have.

[Anonymous]

My older DD was significantly poorer than her closest friends growing up. We made sure that her friends did fun and unique things with us when we had playdates and even took two friends on us on the only two real vacations we took up through middle school. By unique, I mean that we did things that her friends' parents hadn't exposed to them like swimming in a real watering hole or going to $1 skate night. I never felt bad that I couldn't take them on week-long beach vacations or to Build-a-Bear. Along the way, a few of the families experienced economic strains due to divorce or illness and they stopped asking for playdates, I assume because they didn't know that your child's friends don't care if you have a 300 sq foot dedicated playroom, they just want to spend time with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they don't want their girl going to your beach house. They might not - - just giving a hypothetical to your hypothetical. You think it's about money. Other's decisions or discomfort with you, unease probably has nothing to do with money. It's a cop-out for you to think it's about money. Maybe they won't want their daughter so far away, for so long a time, or maybe they think there's not enough supervision or they don't want their daughter with your family for such a long period of time. It's not about money, hypothetically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they don't want their girl going to your beach house. They might not - - just giving a hypothetical to your hypothetical. You think it's about money. Other's decisions or discomfort with you, unease probably has nothing to do with money. It's a cop-out for you to think it's about money. Maybe they won't want their daughter so far away, for so long a time, or maybe they think there's not enough supervision or they don't want their daughter with your family for such a long period of time. It's not about money, hypothetically.

I know they don't mind the weekend with us (we have been doing weekends off and on for the past year). We have not offered yet to take the girls out of town (I made the beachhouse up - but it is something similar) but I wanted to see if that would be seen as "over the top" ? Up until on the weekends when we have the girls that we trade - we each have covered the expenses.

[Anonymous]

I don't see a problem with any of this. I definitely had richer friends growing up, and it was nice to go to their ski houses! I would just be sensitive, as the girls age, to the issues that arise around clothing, more expensive toys at the home (e.g., does she have her own ipad so they can text each other, or a gaming system at her home), and also when they get older and start going out places on their own and so parents don't cover the cost. That was the worst for me -- when friends had endless money to drop at movies, dinner, amusement parks, and I had like $2 a week to spend on stuff like that. Hopefully you will teach your daughter to be sensitive to the fact that everyone has different means, and its worthwhile keeping a friendship even when the friend can't afford to do the things you can.

[Anonymous]

I don't see what the problem is. I'm the poor mom with the poor kid. If I want to invite DD's friend to do something but can't cover the cost I tell the mom "I'd love to take Haley with us to Fancy Activity; it's $40. Could she come on Tuesday?" The parents always understand to send their kids with money when I phrase it that way.

[Anonymous]

I was the poor one and went to all of my friend's beach homes. It was wonderful- I felt like part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see what the problem is. I'm the poor mom with the poor kid. If I want to invite DD's friend to do something but can't cover the cost I tell the mom "I'd love to take Haley with us to Fancy Activity; it's $40. Could she come on Tuesday?" The parents always understand to send their kids with money when I phrase it that way.

Thanks, thats actually very helpful to know. Most (well, lets face it - all) of my friends to this point have been in the same SES class. To be honest, I have tended not to think about things like that, because we would just cover each other. This is a helpful tip for something I may not have thought of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see what the problem is. I'm the poor mom with the poor kid. If I want to invite DD's friend to do something but can't cover the cost I tell the mom "I'd love to take Haley with us to Fancy Activity; it's $40. Could she come on Tuesday?" The parents always understand to send their kids with money when I phrase it that way.

I posted above and am less poor now with fewer very affluent friends so the gap is less for my younger child. I feel uncomfortable with hinting that parents should pay for activities I invite their child to. I certainly couldn't reciprocate if they hinted the same to me. I stick to the activities that I can afford to treat the other child to. And often these are free or low cost activities that the parents don't even know exist because they are just used to paying $100 for a couple hours of fun. Also Groupon and other sites with discounted admission are lifesavers. If I want to take my child to something I can't afford two of, she doesn't take along a friend. Now, if parents offer to pay for their own child, I sometimes accept it. And I was very grateful for the parents who send their child with their own spending money for souvenirs. However, among my younger child's friends are some that are actually more poor than we are and I'd never take their parents' money to pay for the kid's ticket, meals, or supplies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's best friend has significantly less money than we do. They are great people and we have had sleep overs, playdates and generally like spending time with their family (and I believe the feeling is the same).

As the girls have gotten older and we do more things - I want to be sensitive that we do not insult them. For example (and this is a hypothetical) last weekend they took the girls for the weekend and took them to the movies and kept them at the house. They covered all expenses while they had the kids.

We plan to have the girls this weekend and I want to take them out of town to our beach house. We would cover everything while they are there.

My daughter loves spending time with this girl (and we love having her around). We also love when our daughter goes to her house (as they are wonderful people who share the same values).

Maybe I'm just thinking there is a problem, when there isn't one.

You are overthinking. Just ask if she can come with you guys to the beach house, and make sure you give them time to get stuff together (bathing suit, cover up, flip flops, etc)..

Do what you can afford, they will do what they can afford.

[Anonymous]

This won't be a problem, OP. Just bill it as "we're going to take MyLarla to XX for the weekend and it would be way more fun for her if YourLarla came along."

[Anonymous]

This isn't an issue. My older brother always went to Amelia Island with his friend for a week each summer. Our family vacations were only to visit grandparents so nothing was ever reciprocated (or expected). They had more money and they took better vacations. My brother was just happy to be invited and my parents were happy he had an opportunity to go.