Do you judge women who are in abusive relationships?

[Anonymous]

Noticed a lot of judgement and victim blaming on the nanny forums about women in abusive relationships. Interested to hear your take.

[Anonymous]

A little bit, yes. I don't want to. I work hard to counter that feeling, but the impulse to blame somebody who stays is there. Intellectually, not at all, I don't blame women in that situation.

[Anonymous]

No. I feel for anyone male or female who is in an abusive relationship. It's usually a lot more complicated situation vs what people think- kids, modeling from your own parents relationship, metal health issue, drug abuse, etc all can play a factor. So its not as easy as saying oh leave otherwise you are stupid. Many of these people have not know anything else and scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I feel for anyone male or female who is in an abusive relationship. It's usually a lot more complicated situation vs what people think- kids, modeling from your own parents relationship, metal health issue, drug abuse, etc all can play a factor. So its not as easy as saying oh leave otherwise you are stupid. Many of these people have not know anything else and scared.

+1

And brainwashed. That's what abuse does - strips the victim of self-worth and self-efficacy.

[Anonymous]

I don't judge you for the actual abuse. The abuser will never change. Nothing you can do to change the abuser except walking or running away or a nice ass whooping. If you have no kids and choose to remain an abusive relationship then I say more power to you, hopefully you'll eventually learn. Hopefully it will not be too late by the time you learn your lesson. Some abused victims don't listen anyway and convince themselves the abuser will change. However, if they are children involved and you choose to remain in an abusive relationship, then yes! I'm judging you. Don't put your children in harms way because of your poor decision to stay in an abusive relationship. I say let someone else raise your children. I can have some sympathy for the uneducated victim with limited knowledge of available resources, but a highly educated person who remains in an abusive relationship, yeah, I'm judging you more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't judge you for the actual abuse. The abuser will never change. Nothing you can do to change the abuser except walking or running away or a nice ass whooping. If you have no kids and choose to remain an abusive relationship then I say more power to you, hopefully you'll eventually learn. Hopefully it will not be too late by the time you learn your lesson. Some abused victims don't listen anyway and convince themselves the abuser will change. However, if they are children involved and you choose to remain in an abusive relationship, then yes! I'm judging you. Don't put your children in harms way because of your poor decision to stay in an abusive relationship. I say let someone else raise your children. I can have some sympathy for the uneducated victim with limited knowledge of available resources, but a highly educated person who remains in an abusive relationship, yeah, I'm judging you more.

Highly educated =/= financially solvent

Highly educated =/= having people to rely upon

[Anonymous]

Yes and no.

I was in a terribly abusive relationship in college, so I know firsthand how hard it is to leave--even when you have a place to go.

BUT, but... I have a girlfriend who is in an abusive relationship--her husband has called her a bitch, whore, strangled her in front of the kids, etc. They are learning how to be in relationships from this example. She has called / come running to me in the middle of the night so many times, left for short periods of time, kicked him out on multiple occasions. She can support herself, and her mom would be happy to take them in, and yet she keeps going back / taking him back. I do judge her a bit, and have to separate myself from her because she's smarter and better than that and I don't want to see his face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Noticed a lot of judgement and victim blaming on the nanny forums about women in abusive relationships. Interested to hear your take.

Yes, I do. Except for people in situations in which the abusive partner controls all the money and they have no social support at all.

[Anonymous]

I was in an abusive marriage and it was really hard to leave. We both have graduate degrees and high paying jobs. It was almost harder to leave because it was embarrassing. People in our SES aren't "supposed" to have relationships like that.

I did end up leaving, but it was hard. I feel for women still in that situation and know how complicated/difficult it is.

[Anonymous]

My brother is in an abusive relationship. She is borderline personality disorder (actual diagnosis), and she has cut him off from everyone he cares about, including clergy and doctors who may potentially help him), she is emotionally abusive, and has been physically abusive (tried to run him over and some other stuff). I vacillate between being very sorry for him and very angry at him. I probably would "not" be angry if it weren't for the fact he has kids, and "they" are suffering. That has made me so unbelievably angry.

[Anonymous]

No. I was in 1 and left, but I know how hard it is to leave especially if you have kids. I had to leave my 10-month old there with him because that was DC home. Didn't know how to get help-told friends, family and asked the police for help, but didn't get any help. Next time he attacked me I was arrested along with him because it happened in his house when I went to pick up my DS. DS was nearly sent to CPS, but luckily family was nearby.
I had moved out a year before. Not sure why he still thought it was ok to beat me. I was all black and blue, but had long sleeves on and pants.
Lost custody of my son, not even sure why. Got a new judge and he lost custody of his son.
Not an easy way to get out of abuse, easier to stay.

[Anonymous]

sadly, yes i do. i'm sympathetic for a long while, but then i'm over the fact they won't get help or leave. I really get judgie when they have kids that they are exposing to the madness.

[Anonymous]

No. Not everyone has the wherewithal to walk away even in the worst situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sadly, yes i do. i'm sympathetic for a long while, but then i'm over the fact they won't get help or leave. I really get judgie when they have kids that they are exposing to the madness.

Did you read the post above? People throw that phrase around a lot "get help," as if it is easy for people to "help." But look even at high-profile abusive relationships. No one ever believes the victim. And even if they do, most friends and family won't get involved, even if the victim asks for help.

For those who judge "only when there are children," shame on you! If a woman leaves her husband and takes the children, the husband can accuse her of abducting the children, especially if she can't prove abuse. It's entirely possible that the husband could even end up getting full custody if she leaves.

It's not as simple as you all seem to think it is.

[Anonymous]

I don't judge. I've seen how it can creep up and eat away at a person's strength and self-esteem. The brainwashing aspect is very strong.

I also don't judge when there are kids involved. It's often more complicated than you know from the outside. Financial issues are a huge deal, and a whole lot of abused parents stay put because they know it would hurt the kids much more if the kids were left alone with the abusive/BPD/whatever parent half the time, as custody often goes. Not to mention the kind of people and future turbulent relationships the abusive/BPD ex-spouse will be exposing the kids to.